Dd stormed out leaving me with her baby

[doubleredbull]

I really don't know what to do for the best for the situation im in, and this may be a bit of a long one.

So, at 13 my daughter started a new school, she's summer born and she struggled to make friends due to established friendship groups. When she did make friends it was ones in the wrong crowd. Her older brother was struggling with his MH so perhaps I took some attention away from her but it was a real juggling act

Her behaviour got worse when she got a bf, she was a lovely girl but very naive and easily led, he was 14 at the time (and dd later turned 14) and pretty much left to his own devices as his mum had a new family. DD’s behaviour got worse after this, he seemed to project all of his attitude onto her and she started acting like I was the worst, bunking off school, smoking weed and being so mean to me and wasn't a nice person to be around. Grounding did nothing, she'd storm out anyway.

Fast forward to last year just after school finished for the summer holidays, dd and her boyfriend went missing and long story short, I found out dd was pregnant. She knew but didn't tell me because i’d “try and control her” she was 25wks but baby was healthy on scans etc and social services didn't seem to have any concerns.

She turned 15 later in the summer and she gave birth in October, he's just turned 7 months old and he's great. She's currently going into school sit her GCSEs so I am helping out briefly whilst she revises and goes into school but I've made it clear after this he's all hers as I have other dc to look after and im studying myself and working pt.

Her bf has really grown up in his defence, he turned 16 just before my gs was born and he got a job whilst also sitting his exams and he talks a lot about wanting to be a good role model for grandson.

I made it clear that dd had to be on some form of contraception if she wanted the bf over to help with baby and she agreed to the pill. Rightly or wrongly I allow him to sleep over whenever as its just not worth the fight with dd I check with her she's taken it and she says yes she has. I'm not naive and I know they're having sex so I've also provided condoms. I know this will be judged by some but either way they would and i’d rather avoid a 2nd child.

However, a few days ago she admitted to me her period was late but was adamant she had been taking the pill. It turns out that she had missed quite a few days but they were using condoms (apparently) I told her if she can’t be sensible he can’t stay over at all (id already banned him the night before exams) as she knows how babies are made and she wants to go to college etc, she then twisted my words and said I implied my grandson was a mistake and ruined dd’s life which I didn't say.

Thankfully dd’s period has came and she came to me this evening and asked if he can stay over and she's not pregnant and neither of them have an exam tomorrow, I said no not after how she's spoke to me the past few days and she carried on asking and saying how she has cramps and he's teething and hasn't slept much the past few days not even naps and said he missed his dad (despite seeing him in the day yesterday). I stuck to a firm no as it's my house at the end of the day and she's spoken to me like crap

She then threw a tantrum and called me controlling and said she won't sit the rest of her exams then and stormed off leaving me with a crying screaming baby who won't sleep and while he has calmed down he's not asleep

Dd is ignoring my texts

I'm at my wits end

I was referring to someone’s comment about bodily autonomy.

It’s not very responsible if she thought she was pregnant again.

Do you know what, id say fuck the exams.
You have bigger problems right now and she likely isn't going to be getting A stars and a place at a stellar sixth form.
She can do the exams next year or the year after or when she's 25.
In your situation I'd ring social services and explain that you have other small children, the welfare of whom is being impacted, as well as grandson.
Ask about the possibility about mother and child foster placements. My friend does this and teaches her foster kids how to take responsibility for themselves and their children.
With all due respect OP , these problems are going to take a lot more input and experience in boundary setting, than you yourself can provide.

And if she refuses to. Or expects you to do more - then what @doubleredbull?

sad bf doesn’t have support of his mum

Hi, I’m going to give you some advice as a former teen parent (and it all came good in the end op, but you might need to have some tough conversations!)

your dd is almost certainly feeling in way over her head, panicky and regretful. This may not be conscious thought but it’s in there somewhere and is coming out as anger and defensiveness. She might think she needs more freedom but what she really needs is firm, consistent boundaries. Yes I agree with you on letting bf stay over - the horse has bolted, they have already had sex and will continue to do so. But this has to be contingent either on you seeing her take her pill every morning (set an alarm and watch her take it) or going on the implant (this was what I chose). Non compliance means no sleepovers. I think you need to have a chat with bf about this as well.

I really needed to hear from my parents that they were still proud of me, for getting to my exams and sitting them, but also that they still had expectations of me. It’s very easy to feel like a write off as a teen mum so she needs you to talk about her future, about college, with excitement and with her son in the picture. You believe she can do this, and expect her to. Your boundaries are not because you don’t trust her, but because you want to work with her to make sure she can achieve her best. I hope that makes sense!

@doubleredbull aww, your DD is really just grown into a teenager and is expected to be an adult, caring for a baby. There seems to be a lot of hormones and feelings floating around. She needs emotional support, something that, reading your posts, she's not getting from you. I understand you are busy and probably overwhelmed with the situation yourself. But you are still her parent and parenting doesn't stop, just because DD had a baby at 15.
Your DD has a grizzly teething baby, she's doing her exams that will shape her future and she feels trapped. She needs her mum. Can you put your own feelings aside and shower her with love and understanding? Can the roped int boyfriend babysitting for a couple of hours and you take her out for some special girls time? She's probably scared, confused and unsure. Maybe she's pregnant, maybe not. Your job now is to provide a safe space where you can discuss things openly. Focus on her, not the baby.

Except that ‘family support’ is almost exclusively provided by women. They are expected to continue to put their own lives on hold.

Have you read the OP’s posts? She’s got other children and wants to find work

DD should try implant or injection for contraception

That is a sad but true fact. It always has been and most probably will continue to be for as long
as I am alive.

You know, the ideal is two parents both contributing equally. The ideal is a better and fairer world. Things have improved. I know men who do parent equally with their wives/partners,
saw one I know locally out for a walk with newborn in pram yesterday.

You want to stay angry because family support is exclusively provided by women. Maybe women should stop having children. Then they would be free for the burden of providing family support. Maybe we should bring our DSs up better.

What do you suggest?

Suggest a method she doesn't hsave to remember- injections or coil. Then let BF back. Make it clear to her if she makes a habit of storming out and leaving you with the baby you will call Social Services and she may lose him- you have your own life you are not there to facillitate your DD having no responsibilities, and a sex life despite being too young and irresponsible.

She's currently going into school sit her GCSEs so I am helping out briefly whilst she revises and goes into school but I've made it clear after this he's all hers as I have other dc to look after and im studying myself and working pt.

Wow. She got pregnant to get your love & attention, and even that wasn't enough ...

I’d certainly tell her that if she does that again, you will call them.

Love and attention means providing endless hours of unpaid childcare at your own detremient, does it?

Since she has already had a baby the coil could be a good long term contraception…

Eh? You quoted my post re bodily autonomy? So no idea now who you are replying to.

ETA again, as I have posted, a late period would obviously lead to a worry about being pregnant, even if she had been on the Pill 100%, and more so if they had used condoms on forgotten pill days. Having a late period and feeling scared doesn’t mean that there has been unprotected sex.

Cancel the cheque.

call social services.

she won’t lose him, so that’s an empty threat. He is fed, warm, loved. So she snapped, unsurprisingly, because she’s 15, solo parenting a 7month old AND doing gcses’s.

i’d like to see all of the judgmental women on here try to sit even on GCSE while also being solely responsible for a baby. Who isn’t sleeping through.

social services at least may be able to put some help in place like reliable childcare. Instead of telling a burned out 15 year old the pregnancy was her fault so she deserves nothing, and has to do it all herself.

stop threatening this kid with losing her child or being thrown out and get her some help.

it sound to me like she’s be better moving out and getting help from social services and her boyfriend.

Seriously? The whole situation is appalling but daughter's BF's mum is the parent mentioned as refusing to be involved or even meet her grandchild, so yes I can and will blame her for that. That doesn't preclude his dad from being at massive fault too, along with OP's daughter's dad, but since neither have been mentioned I'm assuming they aren't in the picture, which is a whole other issue.

So if you had a 14 year old son who impregnated another child, you'd think it's not your responsibility whatsoever?

Well said. She needs all the support she can get.

It sounds like a shit situation all round.

from what the o/p says they failed to parent their own child, which is why they ended up in this situation.

the boy at least seems to have stepped up and broken that cycle, wanting to be there for his child. They’re probably better off without that toxic family.

tbh while o/p is involved, the kid still doesn’t have much support. O/p has made it clear she’s not helping except on occasions such as exams. She has her own dc, wants to get a pt job, and has been very clear that she can’t and won’t do more. She’s actually stopping the boyfriend from helping more by refusing to allow him to stay over because she seems to think it’s only for sex.

this kid is 15. She’s doing amazingly with a 7month old, GCSE’s, and minimal help. She can’t move out because she can’t sign a lease contract.

she needs more support. Not threats, no forcing shit, toxic grandparents into the situation.

she may be better if o/p does throw her out. She can then get listed for a council property, sort her benefits, get childcare to continue at college, and have her boyfriend over more to help at night.

I'm 36 and had my kids at 33 and 35 and I would have absolutely struggled with doing all feedings and just having a break for a couple hours.

My partner and I took turns so we could sleep and my in laws helped a lot by taking the babies/baby for a few hours on Tuesday nights.

My mom helped by having me over every Saturday and sharing in caring for the kids.

I can't imagine having to navigate this at 15.

I am surprised SS aren't involved both parents being very young.
I would call them and ask them to step up and do their job.

The baby is healthy and being cared for and the teenage parents are also healthy and cared for and having been going to school and working. What would you expect Social Services to do? There are no welfare concerns here about the baby or the parents.

Essentially the OP describes a situation in which a mother had a row with her teenage daughter about her boyfriend staying over. That's not a Social Services issue.

I agree with everything you've said - But I wasn't suggesting forcing the other grandparent into the situation, I was simply defending my right to think she's appalling. I do think she could at least wave her wallet at the situation, which hopefully she is doing somewhat via her son.

Babies having babies......

How is your work being with you needing to now look after your grandchild full time?

stop threatening this kid with losing her child or being thrown out and get her some help.

I don't think OP has threatened anything - other posters have suggested she should but there's nothing to that effect in what she has written.

If I have missed it, happy to be corrected.