Dd stormed out leaving me with her baby

[doubleredbull]

I really don't know what to do for the best for the situation im in, and this may be a bit of a long one.

So, at 13 my daughter started a new school, she's summer born and she struggled to make friends due to established friendship groups. When she did make friends it was ones in the wrong crowd. Her older brother was struggling with his MH so perhaps I took some attention away from her but it was a real juggling act

Her behaviour got worse when she got a bf, she was a lovely girl but very naive and easily led, he was 14 at the time (and dd later turned 14) and pretty much left to his own devices as his mum had a new family. DD’s behaviour got worse after this, he seemed to project all of his attitude onto her and she started acting like I was the worst, bunking off school, smoking weed and being so mean to me and wasn't a nice person to be around. Grounding did nothing, she'd storm out anyway.

Fast forward to last year just after school finished for the summer holidays, dd and her boyfriend went missing and long story short, I found out dd was pregnant. She knew but didn't tell me because i’d “try and control her” she was 25wks but baby was healthy on scans etc and social services didn't seem to have any concerns.

She turned 15 later in the summer and she gave birth in October, he's just turned 7 months old and he's great. She's currently going into school sit her GCSEs so I am helping out briefly whilst she revises and goes into school but I've made it clear after this he's all hers as I have other dc to look after and im studying myself and working pt.

Her bf has really grown up in his defence, he turned 16 just before my gs was born and he got a job whilst also sitting his exams and he talks a lot about wanting to be a good role model for grandson.

I made it clear that dd had to be on some form of contraception if she wanted the bf over to help with baby and she agreed to the pill. Rightly or wrongly I allow him to sleep over whenever as its just not worth the fight with dd I check with her she's taken it and she says yes she has. I'm not naive and I know they're having sex so I've also provided condoms. I know this will be judged by some but either way they would and i’d rather avoid a 2nd child.

However, a few days ago she admitted to me her period was late but was adamant she had been taking the pill. It turns out that she had missed quite a few days but they were using condoms (apparently) I told her if she can’t be sensible he can’t stay over at all (id already banned him the night before exams) as she knows how babies are made and she wants to go to college etc, she then twisted my words and said I implied my grandson was a mistake and ruined dd’s life which I didn't say.

Thankfully dd’s period has came and she came to me this evening and asked if he can stay over and she's not pregnant and neither of them have an exam tomorrow, I said no not after how she's spoke to me the past few days and she carried on asking and saying how she has cramps and he's teething and hasn't slept much the past few days not even naps and said he missed his dad (despite seeing him in the day yesterday). I stuck to a firm no as it's my house at the end of the day and she's spoken to me like crap

She then threw a tantrum and called me controlling and said she won't sit the rest of her exams then and stormed off leaving me with a crying screaming baby who won't sleep and while he has calmed down he's not asleep

Dd is ignoring my texts

I'm at my wits end

It sounds like your DD maybe feels like it was a mistake that has ruined her life. Or maybe you do actually feel like that, and even though you haven’t said it, it’s coming across in your tone. Or a bit of both.

Either way, you could have responded with a bit of understanding instead of a “firm no” to her asking for her BF (who may help her with the overnight) when she’s been struggling. The teething baby period is the worst. 6months-18months is probably the hardest time, when they can’t yet talk but they want what they want so much - they’re aware enough to have ideas and not give up on them.

Without trying to point any fingers, do you think it’s possible that your DD has a bit of a point? That you just want her to fall in line and don’t actually care what she thinks because she’s a child and you know best? If so, that will come across to her in everything you say and don’t say, do and don’t do.

If you really want her to step up, she needs support. Not “you made your bed now lie in it” which is essentially abandonment at what is a really difficult time for her.

I would if rang DGD father and told him to come & look after the baby till dd returned. End of the day burned out or not, you don’t storm out leaving the baby behind.

From what DD has said to OP, she and her boyfriend used condoms on occasions when she forgot the pill, which is a responsible use of condoms.

And I don’t think DD has “refused” LARC, she may just have picked the pill to try first, which is perfectly reasonable.

I think this is a really complicated situation. She doesn't have the option to leave your house like someone older would. If Dad is hands on and you don't want to be helping in the night then I think you should let him stay. I found the nights hard even with my DH stepping in when needed. I certainly wouldn't have been able to sit exams if I was fully responsible for nights.

Oh come on, the vast vast majority of women are giving off some clues by 25 weeks, whether that's physical or otherwise. If that's not the case here I'm sure OP can correct me but I don't think pp's one-in-a-million example is the likely situation.

I know a 35 year old woman who took her new born to her DB and DSIL (they had young children themselves). The 35 year old woman was screaming and out of her mind struggling with the newborn, handed the baby to her brother and ran off for the night and next day.

Point is babies are stressful and difficult and your dd has had a baby when she is very young and totally not ready. She needs a massive amount of support and storming out is pretty run of the mill. She hasn’t left the baby alone.

I think you’ll need to support her a lot, even after GCSEs are done.

OP has already addressed this, indirectly:

Fast forward to last year just after school finished for the summer holidays, dd and her boyfriend went missing and long story short, I found out dd was pregnant. She knew but didn't tell me because i’d “try and control her” she was 25wks but baby was healthy on scans etc and social services didn't seem to have any concerns.

So I think it’s clear that, at least until DD disappeared, OP hadn’t seen physical changes, and it sounds like no one at school had either, although it sounds like DD would have been 20+ weeks gone by the end of term.

I would actually question whether she’s being truthful about her period now arriving, after telling you it was late. Might be a ploy to hide the fact from you that she’s pregnant again, and what a nightmare that would be. You need to try to foster a closer bond with her. More one on one time. Sounds like she’s mostly been left to do what she wants, and has no proper boundaries.

Poor bloody kid. I mean, yes, not ideal for you either op but she’s taking on a whole shitload of responsibility and pressure, far above and beyond what a child should be dealing with.

It sounds very much as though she’s done the vast majority of the care for her child, and while you felt the need to point out that you don’t agree with the way she parents sometimes (I think anyone could say that about any other mum surely?) it sounds like she’s doing a fairly good job. That’s not nothing for a teenager. It’s a shame that she’s stormed off and of course she shouldn’t have done that in a perfect world but honestly, I’m not completely surprised, her world isn’t perfect, is anyone’s? Even grown women in their thirties with a supportive husband with a new baby will sometimes have that overwhelming ‘I need to get out of here’ feeling, the difference is though that the luckier ones have support and can take some time to themselves, if needed. I find your logic strange, saying the boyfriend isn’t to stay the night before exams, when she’s doing all the nights with this baby anyway. Doesn’t make any sense to me. She wanted some help and support overnight and you denied that, I can’t blame her for feeling angry and helpless.

I certainly wouldn’t beat her over the head for walking out, she’s coping with a lot, she’s still just a kid herself and none of us get it right all the time. I also, unless genuinely of the belief it would help, wouldn’t be contacting social services. I would encourage her to go onto some sort of longer acting contraception, perhaps the implant? If you can find it in yourself, I’d be trying my level best to be softer with her, try and encourage her to feel safer to talk to me, I’d be telling her what a brilliant job she was doing, I’d compliment her on how lovely her son is, I’d certainly try to give her more than a handful of hours ‘off duty’ in 7 months, I’d tell her about my early days as a first time mum etc… it won’t always be easy, but I think she needs softness rather than harsh words and overly strict boundaries right now.

It’s interesting you mention Andy Farrell because he gave a few interviews about that and said basically the grandparents had to step in and raise the baby until he and his girlfriend were able to do it. So much falls to the maternal grandparents and usually the girl’s mother.

OP - does the local authority have a young mum support service ? Can anything be offered to support your daughter through her school ?

First things first, when your daughter is back in touch agree that her boyfriend can stay over IF she has the contraceptive implant in. He's not staying over until it's in, but after that it's fine.

Then get her through her GCSEs. Look after the baby a bit more over this time to give her a break, GCSEs + baby is a lot.

Then, in the summer, start talking long term. It's her baby, not yours. What is she doing next year? How is she going to provide for her little one? I'd be trying to come up with a plan that is fair, e.g. you will look after baby every saturday night and sunday morning to give her a chance to be young, on the condition that the rest of the time she does everything, with the expectationt hat at 18 she's moving out into a flat of her own, and needs to be fully able to cope alone by then. That's only 2 years away, it will fly by

Agree 👍
I recall multiple posts from OP -
her “wayward” son
this vulnerable teenage mum
multiple younger children
why is safeguarding not all over this family ?
NOT a judgement - but genuine concerns for multiple children here that are clearly all struggling in many ways and I fear for the lives they will have going into adulthood …..
OP -
you should refer yourself and family to SS -
engage with anything they will offer you -

I disagree with moving out at 18. Most 18 years olds don’t move out, even without a baby. They might go and stay in a uni dorm, but even that is really a bit of a cos-play move out. You go to a uni set up for young people, with other young people, and unis these days are quite supportive. It’s like a glorified boarding school and you come home in holidays, not a move out. I can’t imagine how 2 18yos and a 2yo will make ends meet/manage. They’ll need to move out when they are ready and able. And I think 18 will be too soon.

Why does she think shes punishing you if she doesn't do her exams?

She's very immature. She needs to grow up. She's made grown up choices by having sex and having a baby. She now has to live with them.

She's a mum she doesn't get to swan off whenever she wants an abandoned her responsibilities. She gave up that ability when she had a baby.

She's living in your house and she needs to follow your rules. If she doesn't like those rules she can leave.

Indeed. What about the BF’s father?

Does it really matter if she sits her GCSE's or not . There looks like there isn't much future for her anyway tbh , especially if she gets pregnant again so soon . Sorry to be so blunt but if she's using that as a weapon/threat it's not a very good one .

Obviously the parents are immature, the mother is 15. Pointing fingers at the teenage kids who appear to have had no decent role models whilst praising the "sensible" parents of those kids...? An interesting reading of the situation!

OP’s DD is a single mother, in education and is the primary carer for a baby who - to use OP’s own words - won't sleep and while he has calmed down he's not asleep.

that’s a lot! And it sounds as if she’s doing remarkably well!
There are many 30 year old mothers on maternity leave who don’t attend school or exams who are still driven to the brink by lack of sleep…

And no, OP babysitting when her DD has exams doesn’t make her DD any less of a single mother…

OP’s DD needs support and potentially new method of contraception. Not judgement or threats (DC should be in care, given up for adoption etc).

This.

she’s 15, and from the sounds of it has pretty much parented and kept up with school etc for the last 7 months.

yes o/p “helps out” by watching him for short periods, and keeping an eye an “ear out” when she’s in the shower, but she’s also not “allowed” to have her main source of help, the kids dad, stay over.

him staying over isn’t about them getting their jollies, it’s about him doing his share of nights, and helping out. I’d also say she needs the help more when she has an exam the day after, not him banning so she has to do the childcare, revise, and get up for an exam.

10pm isn’t that late, I finish work later sometimes and don’t “disturb the whole household” coming home.

the kid needs more support. O/p is keeping that from her, I’m not suprised she’s burned out.

i mean, we’re all adults and how many of us sat exams when our babies were 7m? How many of us only had a partner staying over when we had a day off the next day?

a baby is tough whatever the age. This kid needs help, not more rules and telling she needs to do it alone.

if she could move out and have the child’s dad live with her, she’s probably be better off as she’s have more help.

It (and many other similar education campaigns) was highly successful. The teenage pregnancy rate has plummeted in the UK and is at the lowest since records began. It ticked up slightly in 2022 but it looks like that was just a blip. There is still work to be done - our teenage pregnancy rate is still four times that of the Netherlands for example - but the trend is very much downwards. It's one of the real successes of the Blair government which prioritised it.

Firstly this must be very stressful for all concerned. What I would do:

Get her home safely and back under your roof asap. “DD, I’m not mad but you need to come home, DS needs his mum. I know this is very hard, but even though I am here you can’t abandon your child.”

Get her through her exams. Most of us would be still off on maternity with a 7 month old, she’s having to do all the nights with a teething baby, study and try and perform in exams. I would offer to take baby a few nights a week until she has got her exams done, be firm it’s to support her studies, not forever.

Implant or coil non negotiable - many 15 year olds are careless with the pill, especially if sleep deprived with a baby. No overnights with boyfriend until that’s sorted. I would also be getting her to take a pregnancy test now to make sure she’s telling the truth about her period being late.

Post exams proper chat with her about future plans. What will she do after GCSE’s - college and crèche? What are her long term plans?

Childcare post exams I would agree a structure and stick to it. I know you don’t want to be doing it but needs must. You will take baby 1 evening a week and 1 day a week for example, the rest of the time she is responsible for DS and must be with him, she cannot storm out / walk out assuming you will step in. She should come to you if she is really struggling and you will work out a temporary solution. If she repeatedly walks out without DS or agreeing when she will come home, you will have to phone SS.

BF - what are his plans and how will he step up. Monitor how he is with DS and your DD. If he seems capable and helpful, I would be open minded about him being there more often to help with the daily routine, he could come round and help play / feed / bath / bedtime. Is he providing financial support, if not what’s the plan - either he or his parents should be helping pay for nappies, clothes, toys. If DD has her own bank account make sure any child benefit etc goes into that so she learns to budget her money, her and bf are responsible for paying for babies clothes / toys, you’ll make sure they don’t run out of nappies, formula, food.

She’s 15! You’d really throw your 15 year old out with her 7 month old baby because she’s struggling to solo parent because you won’t allow the baby’s father to stay and help? Where would she go? She can’t rent a place, she’s not old enough. She’s probably be better off living with the boyfriend anyway so he can do more parenting.

7 month old baby that doesn’t sleep, she’s been doing all the nights and sitting her GCSE’s? No wonder the kids had a breakdown.

I know adult women that have cracked and walked away from a crying baby. One posted here years ago that put him in his playpen and left the house. No other adult. The responses were sympathetic.

this place sometimes.

@doubleredbull sympathies from me. My DD was a couple of years older, but very immature. Her build made it easy to hide her pregnancy from me.

Thinking to the future, have you looked at local colleges? Ours has a team dedicated to working with young mothers to ensure they can balance parenting with studying.

But her mother was home. She was angry and left the situation, leaving her baby with a safe adult, in the family home.

Did no one ever tell you that if you can't say anything nice, you should say nothing?

Anyway, OP's DD is not immature. She's literally a child. If this is the first time she's bailed, I'd cut her some slack. Would she approach Early Help for general support and help with sleeping/teething? She sounds like she's doing a good job on the whole. There's no role for a social worker here, if it's as it's been presented. DD's life is not over and it's obscene to say she has no future. OP you sound like you're struggling yourself. Do you have any support? I'd try and be as supportive as you can through this exam period.