Do you tell guests in advance when an evening needs to end?

[Frustratedfifty]

We have friends who invite us over a few times a year. This is very much driven by them and they will suggest multiple dates until we agree on one. But all the invites have an end time - come for drinks 2-4pm or dinner 5-8pm. If there’s no end time there will always be a text sent beforehand that the night must finish early. Dinner invitations are always super early at 5pm. And the food will be ready to put on the table the minute you arrive. They have one child in high school. We are not overstayers. We’ve probably stayed late twice in 15 years and that was the host husband opening more wine and urging us to stay. These are small dinners - usually just 2 couples plus the hosts. It feels uncomfortable and I’m always checking my watch for fear of overstaying our welcome.

Do you tell your guests in advance what time they need to leave?

I’ve only ever seen this at children’s parties.

I haven’t ever done this but I think it’s a brilliant idea. It sets expectations for both sides and avoids awkwardness when the host wants people to leave but doesn’t know how to say it.

Some people do overstay and don’t pick up on subtle end of the evening cues.

Not normal at all to put such at early rigid end point on the night. It definitely would put me off going.

I don't do this but clearly timekeeping matters a lot to your friends and is not personal so don't take offence. I f you are generally uncomfortable with them, perhaps it's time to wind down the socialising.

I lived abroad where timed events were super common. It's brilliant, actually. Everyone knows what's what. If your the host & you don't particularly enjoy hosting, you know the end time. If your a guest and your tired or not particularly feeling up to socialising, you know the end time. I think it works well for everyone actually. Initially, because I wasn't used to it, it seemed a bit rigid, but now I see the appeal.

I find that very weird, do they get your coats and start ushering you towards the door at five to the allocated hour?
These 'events' don't sound very enjoyable tbh.

We never host because we don't want to be sat there wanting to go to bed or relax with people that just won't leave. It's probably a good idea. But I don't know why you wouldn't just meet at a restaurant instead where you can leave whenever you want.

Good for them. They sound great. Might start doing this myself.

I just let the dogs out for their bedtime pee! But I can see the appeal of an end time.

Yes, I’ve done ‘come round for drinks 4pm-7pm’ and many black tie events have ‘Carriages at midnight’ as a rather charming way of telling people they have to be out by 12am. I like it. I’m not massively social and it helps to know there’s an end to the festivities in advance - not that I don’t enjoy them, but I don’t want them to drag on forever.

I have done this. We only invite close friends over and do so cos we want to see them and it’s cheaper not to go out. I am knackered all the time and ASD so we’ll often say: come for 7, well eat at 7:30 then we’ll boot you out at 10. Felt uncomfortable the first time but everyone said it made it easier and cleared up the “when can we go home / shall we accept another drink” question. For our wedding we put “carriages at 10:30” on the invite (and had a bus to take people back to hotels). My mum friend circle have always done this for meet-ups: we all work, have several kids and are v short of time. We would rather see each other frequently and in a sustained way, eg can meet Saturday morning for a coffee but can only do an hour.

Not a bad idea but the extreme earliness of their dinners is odd.

I don't see anything wrong with this at all.

They are being very up front with you and
if you don't like the way they issue their invitations then you can always decline them.

I sometimes do this. An example would be when inviting family over for tea and birthday cake with one of my children, I put 2-5pm, as I had loads of prep to do in the evening for her big hall party the next day.

Usually if adults are visiting for dinner & games I don’t put an end time. However, we do have one friend who really overstays, but we are comfortable saying when we need to go to bed! 😅 I can see how stating an end time would be useful though, I think it sets an expectation if a meet up is say very much for lunch, but not rolling on into dinner.

They didn’t grow up here so that might be a factor.

They’re nice people, I like them and it would hurt their feelings if we declined. So we won’t do that but it certainly isn’t how I live my life.

They look to us and the other couple we are friends with for parenting advice from time to time as our kids are grown up. Sometimes we have to talk them down off the ledge as they expect absolute perfection of their DC and they’re in the teenage years now so that’s becoming more challenging. I think they look at us with our less regimented way of living but our kids have still turned out great and are successful so we calm them down a bit haha.

It's not how you live your life but it's how they live theirs.

If they are " nice people" then this is just part of who they are and I'm really failing to see why this upsets you.

I'd quite like this as I'm really useless at picking up time to leave hints.

Sounds like you look down on them a little?

Maybe thats why they like to have their home back at a decent time 😈

unless it’s for a children’s party or an event at a venue where there is a clear closing time I find it a bit odd.

I think if you dislike hosting so much that you want people to leave at 10pm so that you can relax without them, it’s probably better not to bother hosting at all.

What if you absolutely love hosting, eating and drinking with friends, but also love going to bed at 9.30?

Should I just not bother hosting?

Sounds like you don't understand the point.

She didn’t say she was ‘upset’ by it, she said it made her uncomfortable as she worries about overstaying.

It’s quite unusual, and quite uptight imo, to invite adults round and tell them they have to leave by a certain time but I guess if what the op says about their parenting, they’re people with quite rigid thinking. And it seems that other posters who don’t feel relaxed about hosting quite like the idea

I would find it quite rude, but each to their own. I was invited to a house for lunch once by an acquaintance - she was one who stipulated that things should end at a set time - and she made everyone leave during a huge hail storm and everyone got soaked going to their cars. What kind of arsehole cares more about rigid timekeeping than the comfort of their guests?

I have never seen this but I love it! Some people stay far too long and do t take any hints and it helps me know when I can say I am off