Do you tell guests in advance when an evening needs to end?

[Frustratedfifty]

We have friends who invite us over a few times a year. This is very much driven by them and they will suggest multiple dates until we agree on one. But all the invites have an end time - come for drinks 2-4pm or dinner 5-8pm. If there’s no end time there will always be a text sent beforehand that the night must finish early. Dinner invitations are always super early at 5pm. And the food will be ready to put on the table the minute you arrive. They have one child in high school. We are not overstayers. We’ve probably stayed late twice in 15 years and that was the host husband opening more wine and urging us to stay. These are small dinners - usually just 2 couples plus the hosts. It feels uncomfortable and I’m always checking my watch for fear of overstaying our welcome.

Do you tell your guests in advance what time they need to leave?

I don’t, but unfortunately my guests tend to stay all night when they come. 😩 I think it’s great though. It means you know the expectation and you don’t feel you need to rush off at 7pm if the invitation is til 8pm. I like to go to bed early and I often just get up and leave people and Dh has to entertain them til 11pm because I’m done. If expectations are well managed then everyone knows what they’re doing.

No, but I have told people to go home when it’s gone past 1am before thankfully I am teetotal so no longer have that issue either.

Not to friends who knows you and your humour.

I love this idea. I dread a long drawn out evening but also feel uncomfortable saying "well we should get going"

5pm is a bit odd imo. I'd probably do 7-10 if it was evening dinner.

It's a great idea!

This is exactly how I want to be op, but I understand that it's largely considered to be socially unacceptable. We prefer to eat dinner around 5/5:30/6/6:30. I need 2 or 3 hours of absolute down time before I can fall to sleep. If guests leave at 11, I'm easily still awake at 2am. I would be perfectly suited to your friend's schedule!

I wouldn’t do this but it’s because I love a relaxed dinner party that goes on way later than it should! But why not, life is too short to chuck your friends out at 8pm. In saying that we can DRINK, if they aren’t big drinkers and like to be up early and fresh the next again day then I get it. I’ve only ever had invites like this for pre arranged Christmas afternoon drinks or something like that. It does get people to leave so maybe they just don’t want it going on until the early hours. It’s not the worst idea.

I love hosting people and having them for food, either dinner or lunch, but often dinner as there are a lot more weeknights than there are weekend days and also lots of people have Family Things going on in the day at the weekend. I'm also a total lark. My friends know the drill by now - there is no set kicking out time and if we're all having a great time happy days. But they also know that when I get to the point that I am desperately trying not to yawn, I will apologise and say I really have to head to bed now and then off they'll go. It's now something of a joke to see if they can get me past 10:30 PM 😅

I have a massive clock in my sitting room so no one would have to awkwardly get their phone out to check the time, so wonder if you could say to them that sometimes you're having "such a nice time that you don't keep an eye on the time, so please do just kick us out when you need the house back" or similar? That way you make clear you respect the they might want you to leave but don't feel you need to be constantly clock watching?

I prefer this as I think it sets expectations.

If I'm invited for an evening, it helps me to understand whether we might chat into the small hours or that the host wants us gone by 9pm because they have to be up at 5am the next day because they have a work trip.

I'm not sure why it makes the OP uncomfortable. She must do other things that are timeboxed in her life and just accepts that. And presumably the host would say "well it's x o'clock, thank you for coming" so no need to constantly clock watch.

Wasn't Carriages at ... part of traditional invitations?
This one is a bit tongue in cheek, but I think I meat it used in serious way as well.

We are not this strict, but like to agree in advance whether the plan is short evening or long evening.

Maybe that is normal where they grew up and not seenas rude or whatever. I like the idea it is very efficient.

That I think is OK and would feel less rigid or like you are just going through the motions of hosting people. Some dinners I have had has ended at 11pm because me or the guests have felt tired, others at 3am and it all depends on the mood. I couldn't possible pre-plan it though. Some evenings when I really haven't felt like having people over because I'm tired but I have already invited them have turned out to be the most late and fun ones.

I have never done this but I think its a fabulous idea.

Its awkward as heck when people wont leave after you've hosted them and this does it in a polite way.

I don't, but think if it works for them, then ok to have the boundary as some people don't get the hint.

It's better than my friend would invite you over, you'd not know if you would eat upon arrival or for 4 hours. Then she'd announce she was off to have a bath. That was it. Off she went!! (The irony is she'd constantly call my country people rude!!). I stopped going.

No I wouldn't do that for my friends, I do insist the teenagers do it when their mates come over for get together though.

My sil used to say (at the ‘right’ time). ‘A cup of tea before you hit the road?’.

Everyone gets the message.

My parents did this, when they were able to have people over, I mean we never over stayed but it sends the message !😀

I rarely host (apart from family) but last time I did it was for a few work friends (I was hosting my own retirement party). They were coming over after work so from 5pm, and I'm my invitation I explained that we were not late night people so would probably chuck them out around 9pm. For context - I am autistic and had to retire early due to health issues. So - they know I find hosting difficult, they know I need to know the schedule for things, and they know I'm not well.

Are they from a culture that might have had a “colonial” influence? You say they aren’t from UK.

I ask because my family are aristocracy and this was very common in my family circles. Less so for my generation, but I do regularly see a slightly tongue in cheek “Coaches at Midnight” line in invitations.

I think that’s quite a charming way of setting expectations for a finish time but I accept my cultural experiences might be quite unusual.

I dont but its a good idea.

I'm going to venture a guess they're from New Zealand. Kiwis do tend to eat early and go to bed early in my experience.

I think this is a great idea, which I may steal!
So many times I've had people stay ridiculously late, even when I tell them I need to get up early/I'm really tired/ready for bed now etc... they don't want to leave.
I've got into my pjs once - nope still wouldn't go!

We tend to socialise with the same friends and this isn’t really an issue. The night ends when it naturally ends. In theory though, I don’t see anything particularly wrong with a time limit.

Personally, eating dinner at 5 (unless it’s a Sunday - not really sure why that makes a difference but it does to me) wouldn't appeal to me though.

I can see the appeal of it.

A lot of people who say “we never overstay” are in the fact the worst for it.

Yeah I agree. I would struggle to relax and enjoy myself knowing I’m on a deadline.

Personally I trust myself and my husband to leave when either we or our hosts have had enough. As a host, I feel confident in my ability to put out subtle cues if I want people to leave. I know some people won’t respond to this - that’s when you have to get less and less subtle. I’ve never had to explicitly ask anybody to leave, I think that would be quite unusual. We have some close friends though who got stuck recently and eventually had to do something like “right well we are ready for bed” and literally handed their guests their coats 😂

I don’t tend to, unless the event is either just kids or kids and adults.

But it wouldn’t bother me if friends did this, especially if they did it consistently so I knew to expect it.

That couple in particular sound possibly very highly strung but I love the idea and wish it was more 'socially acceptable'. I have AuDHD and a limited social battery and often refuse to go somewhere/host something because other people involved with more social energy cannot take anyone else into account. I'll say beforehand 'I'll have to nip home by 9 or so' and be constantly pressured to stay or gently guilt tripped with Mrs Doyle style "aww, don't you want one more drink?". I'd love to feel confident about setting a clear end time.

I might dare myself to try this approach!