Do you tell guests in advance when an evening needs to end?

[Frustratedfifty]

We have friends who invite us over a few times a year. This is very much driven by them and they will suggest multiple dates until we agree on one. But all the invites have an end time - come for drinks 2-4pm or dinner 5-8pm. If there’s no end time there will always be a text sent beforehand that the night must finish early. Dinner invitations are always super early at 5pm. And the food will be ready to put on the table the minute you arrive. They have one child in high school. We are not overstayers. We’ve probably stayed late twice in 15 years and that was the host husband opening more wine and urging us to stay. These are small dinners - usually just 2 couples plus the hosts. It feels uncomfortable and I’m always checking my watch for fear of overstaying our welcome.

Do you tell your guests in advance what time they need to leave?

I wish everyone did this. I recently invited neighbours and my sister over for drinks, putting 6-8 on the invitation. Everyone ignored me and carried on drinking til 10:30

I see it as normal. Dinner from x to x is fine. Starting a dinner at 5p is a bit early, but setting the start and end times, not.

Yeah I agree. I would struggle to relax and enjoy myself knowing I’m on a deadline.

But why? Do you never meet a friend for lunch knowing you have to get back for work? If a friend said she was only free for an hour, would you not bother? If your host told you at 10pm that they wanted an early night and could you please leave, is that more relaxing than not knowing it in advance, and having mentally got settled in for a late evening?

I remember wishing all parties were like this, with a definite end time. I remember being shocked at the age of twenty to learn that a start time of 4pm meant “arrive some time AFTER 4pm”. Nothing said about the end at all.

Aged 10, I remember a time I think my parents got this very wrong indeed. After a church service finishing at 10pm, I was longing for bed. Oh my god, the adults nattering and yattering over drinks afterwards. And worse than that, we were expecting a guest at home, who had to wait for us. I couldn’t believe that my parents had no shame at all!

Myabe its because they like to get the place tidy and don't like being late for whatever the next day.

Regarding lateness of meals not everyone likes to eat late in the evening as it can cause them medical issues.

My friend always does this. She loves to host but also likes to go to bed early so she in items you from 7-9. I rather like it :). We go there then walk to the pub

I have never done this, but I wouldn’t be offended if someone did. They probably just value their sleep/wind-down time, and maybe they’ve had experience of an oblivious friend/relative who doesn’t take hints.

I could not imagine doing this with my friends 😯 We often meet at 3pm or 4pm and we're still there at 1am - nobody ever wants to go home!

Yes, because I have a chronic condition and have to take a lot of medication for pain relief overnight which knocks me out, so I need people out of my house on time. DH just tells people we like to go to bed early.

It's not a big deal.

You say you’d struggle to relax knowing you’re on a deadline - do you feel the same way at restaurants with a closing time, or in a bar or cafe that shuts at a known time?

I'm not the poster you are asking but I think I would feel differently if I was in someones home and was asked to leave rather in a restaurant/business. Then it's a blanket rule for all customers, at friends house it's more aimed towards me as a person. I can also see why a restaurant can't make money if a couple is sitting there for 5-6 hours. It just makes more sense.

No, but don’t be silly, thats a totally different scenario. It’s rare I run up against a restaurant’s closing time, but I have no problem being asked to leave when they are closing down their business so the staff can go home!

But in this case it’s so your friends can get sorted for bed - what’s the difference?

What if there was a group of 20 and you were all asked to leave?

I find it really interesting that so many people would be upset and offended at being asked to go home!

I love this

Clearly delineated, no messing.

I do not see it as a problem.

It sounds like they've been victims of an over stayer in the past and probably do this to avoid it happening again! I think it's a great plan.

Around here it’s normal for children parties invites and parties in a hired places e.g village or pub hall.

It’s certainly cultural tradition for your friends. Tbh I love their timeline it sounds perfect for me.

But the hosts don't take no for an answer and keep pushing for a date OP will agree to.

With people this rigid and unable to take a hint, the only way to decline is to say, no, as a rule we do not want to come to your house for drinks or dinner, please don’t ask us again. Which most of us would find rude or hurtful rather than neutral and ‘direct’. And even if the hosts are fine with it, it feels terrible saying this to someone and you end up feeling like an arsehole.This is the main problem, not the specified departure time.

I’m all for clarity, and I hate overstayers as much as the next person, but the combination of the rigid timeframe and making it difficult to decline the invitation suggests to me these people are fairly controlling in general and not easy company.

I think if you hate having people in your house, or can’t tolerate the company of your own friends a moment longer than 3 hours, your best bet is to meet on neutral ground.

Me too. I have some people I love dearly for whom 11pm and midnight don't seem to be a good time to leave. I enjoy their company but at midnight I start to worry how they will get home. But I'm too polire to ask as I don't want it interpreted as them not being welcome.

Yes still rude IMO!

I feel really sorry for you if there’s no obvious differences to you between interactions with your friends and family and interactions with restaurants and cafes.

Why does it make you so uncomfortable though, where you’re sitting clock watching, have your meal leave at some point up to the close time. They ain’t going to chuck you out if you leave ten mins later or half an hour earlier. It’s fine chill,

Why are you putting words in my mouth? I never said any of that. I just don't understand why one would make you uncomfortable and another wouldn't.

It's not common I don't think, but does happen. I have a friend who always lays out a timetable (including arrival and what time dinner is), and he usually signs off with something like "carriages at 10pm". Sounds cringy, but really isn't from him.

No, but then I have a Swedish husband so he just tells people to leave, its completely normal here, where as I’m Pakistani so for me its more natural to offer people a bed for the night.