Do you tell guests in advance when an evening needs to end?

[Frustratedfifty]

We have friends who invite us over a few times a year. This is very much driven by them and they will suggest multiple dates until we agree on one. But all the invites have an end time - come for drinks 2-4pm or dinner 5-8pm. If there’s no end time there will always be a text sent beforehand that the night must finish early. Dinner invitations are always super early at 5pm. And the food will be ready to put on the table the minute you arrive. They have one child in high school. We are not overstayers. We’ve probably stayed late twice in 15 years and that was the host husband opening more wine and urging us to stay. These are small dinners - usually just 2 couples plus the hosts. It feels uncomfortable and I’m always checking my watch for fear of overstaying our welcome.

Do you tell your guests in advance what time they need to leave?

I do this with close friends and them to me, because we’re all very similar and totally get each other and no one would ever take offence.

Exactly. If people are getting all pissy and offended by their friends wanting to end the evening by a certain time then I would argue they arent very good friends in the first place. What a ridiculously trivial and petty thing to get offended about - do they also become furious if their friend wants to leave the pub before closing time? how very dare they! 🤣

Well its bloody obvious isn't it. As the hosts are there with you, engaging in conversation, having a laugh, having fun, getting more drinks for people. If I encountered someone sat stony faced at the dinner table nursing a glass of room temperature Evian I'd take my cue to go. I just dont know people like this though. Pretty much all of my family and friends are sociable people and enjoy others company.

The only time I ever do this is on our birthdays. As a couple with our dd and her bf we often will go for a birthday meal in the evening. If family are popping in after work at around 5 for tea and cake we will say in advance that we aren't available after x time as we are out for dinner
Absolutely no way would I do that if I was hosting for dinner. I want to spend leisurely time with whoever I invite as they are obviously friends and important to me. I want to be in their company for as long as they want to stay and for them to feel welcome and relaxed which I don't think they would be if they were clock watching waiting for me to shove them out the door!!

So- the only two options for an evening out are: sit stony faced and leave at 9pm OR have fun with your friends and stay until 4am?

What a bizarre thing to say- I dont know anyone like this, me and my friends are secure enough with each other to say if we are tired and need an earlier night and literally noone stomps off in a huff like a tantruming toddler 🤣

What on earth are you talking about? Yes it would be a bizarre thing to say wouldnt it. Except i didnt say it, you did. So why quote me? Where did I say they were the only two options? Where did I mention 4am? Where did I mention noone can leave if they were tired? Where did i mention stomping off like a toddler. The only 'bizarre' thing is your comprehension skills. You have quoted me then made up a whole load of bullshit to suit your narrative. Really weird.

I think this is the crux of the matter really. That you tend to have friends that are similar to yourself and so this type of issue doesnt often arise. When you develop a friendship where you are fundamentally different i.e introvert/extrovert then a bit a compromise is required both sides and you find what is acceptable to both. Much easier when you're all on the same wavelength though

What is rude about saying:

We're having a BBQ on Saturday 5-11pm, hope you can make it.

Or

We are having a dinner party on next Friday and would love for you to be there. It's 6 til 10, dinner will be served at 7.

I really can't see any rudeness it that at all.

No- the bizarre thing is you insisting people must stay until the last person drops and suggesting the only way you can tell of someone wants you to leave is If I encountered someone sat stony faced at the dinner table nursing a glass of room temperature Evian I'd take my cue to go. I just dont know people like this though - ridiculous BS

It’s not rude. But to many seasoned party people, they will read the first one as “arrive no earlier than 5:15pm, and we’re staying up to greet the sun”. To imply a more definite finishing time, I would say “finish BY 11pm”, not “finish AT 11pm”. Shops know that if they want to close on time, they have to start announcing it half an hour before, dimming the lights and half-closing the doors fifteen minutes before, and then deterring stragglers from entering ten minutes before. This is necessary even if the closing time is there in black and white for all to see.

I wish that party invitations meant what they said. But for many people, the joy of a party is the spontaneity, and that there are no rules.

Ok you're either a wind up merchant or thick as mince, not sure which. Again where in my posts have I insisted that people must stay until the last person drops? Nowhere have I said this. I said at the parties I go to they usually end when the last person drops, that is very very different to insisting people must stay until then. I very clearly said in that earlier post (that you have obviously gone searching for as you completely mis-read the one you quoted) that people come and go as they please. And again you've misquoted me. Where have I said that the ONLY way to tell if someone wants you to leave are those 2 examples? Making stuff up again. Christ my 10 year old child can read and comprehend without making up weird stories. Life must be very difficult for you

But for many people, the joy of a party is the spontaneity, and that there are no rules

Yes I think this is a very important point. Noone really knows how a night is going to go. Some parties, everyone is having a brilliant time and are there till the sun comes up, other times people leave early for a variety of reasons but I think the spontaneity is important rather than being told that you must leave by 9pm, even when you may have just started to relax, are in the middle of an interesting conversation, drinks are flowing etc. Its a mood killer.

That's so rude. She should invite anyone over in those circumstances. You should have asked to take your cake since you didn't get to eat!