Do you tell guests in advance when an evening needs to end?

[Frustratedfifty]

We have friends who invite us over a few times a year. This is very much driven by them and they will suggest multiple dates until we agree on one. But all the invites have an end time - come for drinks 2-4pm or dinner 5-8pm. If there’s no end time there will always be a text sent beforehand that the night must finish early. Dinner invitations are always super early at 5pm. And the food will be ready to put on the table the minute you arrive. They have one child in high school. We are not overstayers. We’ve probably stayed late twice in 15 years and that was the host husband opening more wine and urging us to stay. These are small dinners - usually just 2 couples plus the hosts. It feels uncomfortable and I’m always checking my watch for fear of overstaying our welcome.

Do you tell your guests in advance what time they need to leave?

Did you read anything I wrote or you’re just determined to do the MN thing and attack me? I never said it upsets me, it makes me uncomfortable because I don’t want to offend them. And I don’t know anyone else that does this. Apparently I’ve given a few people the idea so maybe it will take off in popularity.

This is who the people are. It's how they live their life.
I think OP expecting them to change their behaviour in how they entertain of invite people into their home to fit in with her own way of doing things is quite offensive actually.
She has the option to refuse the invitations but she says she doesn't want to refuse them. So instead starts a thread on MN criticising them.

I think then you host lunch or an afternoon bbq. Dinner time is normally 7-8pm so to then leave at 9pm would feel very abrupt and rushed. I'd rather have a long lunch with someone than a rushed dinner.

Some of our invites, some don't. One of the school parents does this for her annual hockey team get together and I followed suit and it's a brilliant idea and people know what's going on. These were larger gatherings though.

I do like it though.

I don't like it. It would make me feel like they think I don't have any manners & they don't really want me there. Anyone I invite for dinner (or lunch for that matter) is welcome to stay as long as they want to. I have a guest room 🤣

inviting people for dinner & telling them what time they have to leave, is rude & unwelcoming IMO

“Carriages at midnight”

OP isn't criticising, merely saying the behaviour made her uncomfortable and wondered what other people think.

Late lunch / massive early dinner is a big thing in my house.

I just don't think it's rude to ask people to leave at a time you'd like them to leave?

Surely we should be grateful for hospitality from our friends offered on terms they are comfortable with?

The older I get the more a fan of direct, clear speech I am.

If your host would prefer to end their hosting at a time that is comfortable for them then I think that's perfectly fine, surely?

As they keep instigating these evenings I'd take that as a positive sign that they like your company! It sounds like they might just be a bit less relaxed in general, going by what you've said about their parenting. We had some friends who were similar, and whilst I'm not sure they ever set an exact end time they'd often say something like - "come over for tea before we put X to bed around Y time".

I think that sounds quite a rude choice of words actually!

The events that I attended, the host would give a 15 minute warning! Then 10 minute, then 5 minute. I found it rather abrupt at first but soon got used to it (and I'd have a small chuckle to myself about it).

It is extremely two faced to accept someones invitation, which clearly sets out the terms of the invite , and then to say it makes you uncomfortable. If it makes her uncomfortable then the answer is clearly don't accept the invitation!

To accept it and then come on MN and complain about these people making her uncomfortable when she is the one accepting the invitation is pretty nasty actually.

I think generally it is quite rude but due to necessity we do it with DH’s family. Family dynamics means that very contained meet ups are all that are possible so we give start and end times.

It's obviously not making her so uncomfortable she can't accept the invitation. Just uncomfortable enough to mention it to strangers and ask for an opinion.

Chill.

I had an invitation for drinks with a neighbour this week ( we definitely like each other). She said 5:30 until 6:30!! I think it was because other neighbours had a subsequent appointment though!

I think it's brilliant too. As a guest I'd be pleased that I'm not expected to stay out until all hours.

I think we have different ideas of what hosting and a good host is.

If you want people out of your house after dinner so that you can be in bed by 9:30 then yes I’d absolutely suggest you don’t host dinners.

do a lunch or afternoon, but all this talk of 15 minute warnings to leave is the antithesis of what good hosting is all about

I haven't experienced this but I'd love it as I'm an early to bed person, and also like socializing in moderation.

No never done that but I actually love that my social battery only lasts so long and if this was an option I would definitely be more social. I've ended friendships because people can't take a hint and won't leave.

I can’t see the issue. Pubs, bars, restaurants and clubs all have kicking out times and nobody claims that they’re less enjoyable because if it.

She is asking for validation that her way is the right way. Their way is the wrong way.

So if everyone on the thread says their way is odd/ peculiar/ not socially acceptable is she going to go along and sit smugly in their home knowing her opinion has been validated? Or even tell them they are not doing things properly?

I'm sorry but i repeat just find this really two faced.
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I have used "carriages at" for bigger occasions when I didn't know all the invitees that well and wouldn't hesitate to say to friends that the visit needed to end by "X" because I had to do "Y" People who overstay in my house generally don't get invited back!

Only end time has been wedding invites ‘carriages at 11’ type thing.

It's a gift when people are honest and transparent about what they want.
They've also given you an opportunity to say if that doesn't work for you. I couldn't eat dinner at 5pm unless I skipped lunch.

It sounds like they’re fairly rigid, and maybe take it to extremes. That being said, we have one particular set of friends who I love and would love to have around more, but I find it pretty tiring because she absolutely doesn’t pick up on a single cue to gently nudge it towards an end, and even when they are finally making moves to leave the leaving itself seems to take at least half an hour. I would love to find a way to politely bring about the end of the evening a bit more promptly as it were without feeling like I was being a rude host or hurting their feelings!