Do you tell guests in advance when an evening needs to end?

[Frustratedfifty]

We have friends who invite us over a few times a year. This is very much driven by them and they will suggest multiple dates until we agree on one. But all the invites have an end time - come for drinks 2-4pm or dinner 5-8pm. If there’s no end time there will always be a text sent beforehand that the night must finish early. Dinner invitations are always super early at 5pm. And the food will be ready to put on the table the minute you arrive. They have one child in high school. We are not overstayers. We’ve probably stayed late twice in 15 years and that was the host husband opening more wine and urging us to stay. These are small dinners - usually just 2 couples plus the hosts. It feels uncomfortable and I’m always checking my watch for fear of overstaying our welcome.

Do you tell your guests in advance what time they need to leave?

No but I wouldn’t invite certain people if I have to get up early the next day, and some will never get invited again. Others can come on a school night because they have the common sense to fuck off at a reasonable time.

Because they're very obviously different circumstances involving relationships of very different natures. I don't understand why it isn't obvious to you and can only imagine that your personal relationships are somewhat lacking!

I think its rude and unwelcoming and ive honestly never heard anything like it. Gatherings with friends and family dont follow any rules in my experience. You can leave whenever you want but the party goes on till the last person drops. I think if you're that anal about leaving times then you really shouldn't host

At least I don't feel the need to fling insults and snide comments around at people who do things differently to me.

I've just said I feel sorry for you because your personal relationships must be lacking something if you feel the same in a restaurant as you do in the homes of friends and family.

Hardly flinging insults but sorry if you feel that way.

Except I never said I felt that way, you've just decided I do

Differring senses of humour and friend circles then. As previously said. Or even regional turns of phrase....

I'd rather be told I'm being booted out at said time in advance, than be pissed off about guests overstaying or be fretful about whether I'm overstaying.

Different strokes.

Okay but if you don’t feel that way yourself, why are you asking me that question?! You know the difference and the answer yourself!

I don't, that's why I'm asking - I genuinely don't understand why you're fine to need to leave a restaurant at a certain time, but not a friends house.

Personally, I'm happy to be told there's a kick out time regardless - it doesn't mean I see my friends in the same way as I see restaurant staff, just that I understand that both may have a decent reason for wanting me to bugger off and go home sometimes.

When I was on mat leave I had a friend like this. She would invite you from 9am-10.15 (which was far too early for me) and would announce at 10.10 that it was nearly time to go. She invited me for dinner at once from 5pm-6.15pm. I got there and she was still preparing stuff and said multiple times that she hoped I would finish before her husband came home. She put the food on the table at 6pm, I had eaten about 3 mouthfuls when her husband entered the house and she literally put her knife and fork down and just stared at me, clearly willing me to leave. I left immediately, was really annoyed as I'd brought a lovely fresh cream cake that I was looking forward to as dessert.

I thought you were going to say her husband literally put a knife to her throat because this smacks of domestic abuse to me, not being a pain in the arse.

Are you still touch with her?

Sorry, I cannot understand anyone who would post this being worried about their fresh cream cakes.

I'm sorry, but this screams domestic violence.

i think this explains why some people are reluctant to ever have guests round.

There are an awful lot of people on this thread who seem to think that if you you are invited round to visit someone you should be free to stay as long as you want. Those people say they wouldn't feel comfortable if given a time to leave. But simultaneously claim that they don't over stay. How can you know if you "over stay" if you don't know when your host wants you to go?

I suspect hosts and guests often have very different memories of how these evenings end.

Okay… I’m sorry but it’s quite hard to explain, because it seems like it should be obvious. Being given a cut off time means you’ve one eye on the clock, and creates the strong impression that you’re not really wanted in the first place, or that you can only be tolerated for an absolute maximum of x hours. It’s almost insulting, suggesting if you’re not given a deadline you’ll overstay your welcome. I could go on, it’s just not nice. If you don’t feel that, maybe it’s because your relationships are cold and transactional?

The comparison to feeling uncomfortable because a restaurant has opening hours is just bizarre. Businesses have opening hours and pay their staff based on them. It’s not the same as friends or family hosting you in their home and if you can’t see that, I doubt I can explain it any more clearly.

I honestly don't think it was, her DH was very antisocial and didn't like people in the house when he was at home but she could go to anyone's house at any time. She told me she got bored easily of people so that is why she put a limit on the time even when she was at home alone. Her DC used to wake at 5am every morning so 9am was like the afternoon to her.

Why do you keep making unpleasant comments like "If you don’t feel that, maybe it’s because your relationships are cold and transactional?"

It's totally unnecessary. You could have explained your view without the nasty little dig towards me.

It’s almost insulting, suggesting if you’re not given a deadline you’ll overstay your welcome. I could go on, it’s just not nice. If you don’t feel that, maybe it’s because your relationships are cold and transactional?

If being told "I'd love to see you from 6–10pm" (or whatever it is) makes you feel unwanted, I suspect the issue isn't the invitation.

Yes, I have done it, particularly in relation to our Christmas drinks party for the neighbours.
We say 7 - 1030 or something like that on the invitation.
We don't throw anyone out, or appear in pyjamas but people start making a move and are usually out by 11.

Bizarre behaviour - have only read the OP but so many strange people in this world and these are some of them.

Because YOU asked me to explain the difference in our feelings. And that is honestly the best explanation I've got. Your relationships are not close and warm enough to find it off-putting when hosts tell you in advance when you've got to leave. I don't actually know you, so it's not a "nasty little dig", I can't possibly comment on what your relationships are actually like, I haven't a clue.

Some people will overstay massively. I think she's got the right idea.

I’m Swedish and live in Sweden and I have never come across that. Subtle hints that the evening coming to an end perhaps, but outright telling someone they have to go home now. I don’t think it’s a typical Swedish thing.

I don’t think it’s an issue. Most people with kids don’t want to be up late, especially if they’re young.