Do you think you're pretty? Does it affect your life either way?

[mumofoneAloneandwell]

I've come to terms with my looks but I used to think i was UGLY - and I wasn't, I was pretty tbh

I owe thanks to the boys in my school for calling me fat and 'butters' (i'm a londoner)

20 years later and their prophecy fulfilled itself - on my weight loss journey 😭

Anyway - i'm watching Zara Larsson. Lots of kids in her audience singing 'i'm so pretty'

Do you tell your daughters theyre pretty? Does it matter to you?

I’m in my 60s and I think I’m good looking but not stunning. My figure is good but not amazing. People respond well to me and I think it’s because I’m friendly, happy and have a ready smile and warm friendly look. It’s really hard to separate the effects of your looks and your demeanor.

I think I’m good looking. I’m 60.
My daughter is absolutely stunning. I used to tell her so, until she asked me to stop in her teens - because she felt that her looks were nothing to do with her.

I’ve been told I’m ugly all my life.

I am visually impaired though and so I have never had to look at myself in the mirror, and so the reality is I don’t know one way or another, and in truth does it really matter?

People say that looks matter, and maybe they do to an extent, but only initially.

If you meet a beautiful person and it turns out they’re horrible the looks become inconsequential after not very long. Similarly if you meet someone who is a lovely person but whatever you term as ugly, once you get to know them do their looks count?

I’ve always been able to get on with people and build good relationships with them. No it’s true to say that no man with sight ever looked at me or wanted a relationship with me. Only ones who lovebombed me and used to constantly remind me that I should be grateful that someone like them would go for someone like me and to never forget that I’m nothing special in the looks department. And really, if that’s what finding someone who could see looks like then I’m not particularly interested.

To be honest, that’s an ugly post. People irrelvant of how they look can behave poorly. As is the putting down of other women.

I'm passable i suppose, when done up in the right lighting and the moons are in alignment 🤣 DD14 is very pretty indeed and I do tell her, but I'd rather tell her how smart, brave and kind she is to be honest.

She doesn't attract attention from boys at school because she's not interested in trying to impress them - and frankly I've no idea what they'd even talk about. She's an only child and been brought up around adults, she struggles to find things in common with her own aged peer group 🤷‍♀️

They have a point. There is such a thing as a ‘Rebekah Vardy’ face. Where you can see years of catty, spiteful behaviour have made her face look cruel.

This is a really interesting thread. Personally, it’s something that is very internal - I have days where I feel quite attractive and days where I feel so ugly that I don’t want to go out in public. A few things have contributed to this, being led to believe that being attractive was a key value for girls / women, along with negative comments on my looks when I was a child and not being at all photogenic. As I get older, I realise I was fairly pretty (but not beautiful so as to attract envy) and the pretty privilege was a real thing - men chatting to me on trains and offering me work experience when I was at uni, etc, - and although I did appreciate what that was at the time and fight against taking advantage of it, I didn’t really appreciate how different my experience was to that of my less stereotypically pretty friends. As I get older and men start to be less warm and helpful, I start to appreciate my friends’ perspectives on men a bit more. That said, I also think that part of the pretty privilege is a self perpetuating thing, as it leads you to go out into the world expecting people to be nice and so being open and smiley yourself which leads people to respond to you in the same way.
I’m sorry to hear that so many women who are larger than western society dictates is ‘desirable’ have been made to feel unattractive - personally, I more often see women who are truly beautiful who are larger than I see women who are genuinely beautiful and slim.

But it’s the same irrelevant of how you start off. It’s not like average people are immune to it.

honestly this thread is so sad. Women not feeling attractive enough. And it causing such sadness or resentment in them, so many bitter comments showing years of unhappiness on this subject. It’s just really sad.

I don't mean to be rude, but I have heard all the stuff about personality, confidence etc. a thousand times, also the Roald Dahl guff about being beautiful inside, and it frankly annoys me when attractive or even average-looking women blithely deny the experiences of unattractive women.

Hear hear.

People have told me I'm pretty whole life, including (male and female) strangers, I'm nearly 40 and still get it now. I said this when the same topic came up before on here and people got really angry about it and said I was lying 😆.

However, I think 'pretty' is a specific thing and not necessarily the same as being attractive, sexy or whatever.

For me, people often think I'm a lot younger than I am and don't always take me seriously.

Unfortunately thats how women are judged. Women are some of the worst offenders too. The message does not sink in because it doesnt match their lived experience. Women know if they glow up, they'll be treated better.

I think I was attractive enough to be noticed and to attract envy or unwanted attention, but not attractive enough for it to bring any of the benefits people associate with beauty — like modelling or attracting a genuinely good partner. So yes, I do think I’m pretty. Pretty enough to attract negative attention, just not pretty enough to gain anything from it. Thank God I’m getting older now, because at least that side of it is starting to fade.

I totally agree with you @boobot1
Women are the worst offenders.
That's what is so sad.

I’m pretty in a Spice Girls kind of way - not model stunning but I have that friendly/attractive vibe. I’m mid 50s now but holding up reasonably well. I definitely don’t get the kind of male attention I did in my 20s and 30s and I don’t think that’s a bad thing- I got more attention than my ‘literally a model’ friend as she was probably seen as unattainable- and at 5’11” was probably too tall for fragile egos.

I’ve had a stalker, a manager and colleagues who sexually harassed me (low level stuff but it’s uncomfortable when your boss tells you what great tits you have, or when a colleague tells you he’s the sexual harassment officer and if you’re not getting enough sexual harassment you should come to him), and a friend who dumped me because her boyfriend fancied me - stuff like that. There are some privileges- a bus driver used to let me on the bus for free if I’d stand and talk to him - but mostly it was a ballache.

I don't think it pays to teach girls that their prettiness is their chief attribute.

Nope, not pretty ever.

Always called Ugly at school and even by strangers when I was a teen because I wore glasses and had severe buck teeth. Doesn’t help that I’m v short with a muscular frame and size 8 feet. My older sister was tall, slim and naturally pretty. She still is! I was definitely the mongrel in the family.

I’ve had orthodontic treatment 3 times, the last time in my early 40’s and it hasn’t worked. I had two side teeth removed by the first orthodontist when I was 13 as he said they were overcrowded (they weren’t!) so now there’s a small gap each side and my front left tooth still sticks out forward slightly. I cannot bear to smile for photos. If I do, my face looks weird as my teeth don’t actually show. My current dentist thinks that maybe my top lip is too long but I’m 60yrs old now, so have long ago accepted my below average looks.

HOWEVER, weirdly I get compliments all the time on my style because I have brightly coloured short hair in a sort of pixie cut and wear a lot of my own hand made clothes that are colourful, fun and just different.

I still hate having my photo taken though and I have no photos of me on display at home and no wedding photos as I didn’t want any taking. I guess when I’m dead DS will have no photos of the two of us from his childhood which I now realise is quite sad. 😔

Who said it was the chief attribute?

Same as men, there is no difference here and women need to stop playing this poor me card.

I agree with this, however I think often with pretty girls, they are told it frequently by an array of people and even if unwanted it becomes the thing people associate with them the most. I would argue that handsome boys do sometimes have the same issue but often if they are clever or successful in an area of life, it is not focused on as much.

Same for women.

Do you mean as opposed to girls?

Thank you for explaining. I wasn’t trying to deny your experience, just trying to understand, as I think that some people (not saying you personally, but perhaps some others) may be hung up on the way they look/think they’re ugly and therefore see every instance of being ignored in a meeting or not served in a pub as evidence of them being unattractive when there may be other reasons. But there’s obviously unlikely to be other reasons for being called ugly in the street by strangers. I’m sorry you experienced that. Some people really are horrible twats.

I agree but I do think it’s important that a child (male or female) knows that their mother thinks they’re beautiful. I tell my daughter she’s beautiful all the time, I also tell her she’s kind, brave and strong. My mum used to be a model and was always placed a lot of importance on looks. Even though I inherited her looks and tall, slim figure, she’s never once told me I’m beautiful or pretty. I think in her mind she thinks she was a total stunner and I’ve never quite measured up to her. Her standards seem to be ridiculously high. I’ve never thought I was ugly or anything but I’ve always felt I wasn’t pretty enough for her or wasn’t the right kind of pretty for her. She was very glamorous and always beautifully dressed. I’ve never been (or wanted to be) glamorous, it’s just not my style. As you get older you may realise you’re not pretty but it’s still important for you to feel your mother thought you were pretty I think. My daughter is only a little girl but I find her beautiful, I have no idea if others do, but that’s not the point. A mother should always find their own child beautiful

@AImportantMermaid sorry I didn’t mean to quote you, meant to quote a different post

NC as I don't want to come across as a big headed fantasist and have it linked back to my usual account.

Yes, I'd say I am considered beautiful. It has definitely given me advantages overall, but there have been times it's held me back too.

When I was younger, I'd never get a job when the interview was an all female panel, despite being qualified and having relevant experience. I specifically remember a man I'd worked with at the same company (different roles), who had applied for the same role I had applied for at this new company the week before I had. He had zero prior experience in this particular role, but he got one of the available jobs.

I had come to the interview at the recommendation of another ex colleague who had been working there for a year, she was quite high up in a different department. I was almost certain I'd got it in the bag, having 5 years experience in a similar and honestly more difficult role. I could tell the woman doing the interview had a bad attitude the minute she saw me, needless to say I didn't get the job.

I also remember girls trying to start fights with me at under 18 discos because I would get a lot of attention from the boys. I had a lot of trouble on nights out too as an adult because of this.

I also think ageing can be tougher on women who are or have been very beautiful.