How can I handle my stepson constantly questioning everything I do?

[StepmumWorries]

Hi all

I'll start by saying 'cope' is probably the wrong choice of word, I love my step-son so much, but he has some tricky habits and I am finding myself almost dreading him visiting which is a really sad position to be in.

I've been with DH for 8 years, DSS is now 12, and I've been in his life since he was 3. DSS is with us every weekend and for the majority of all school holidays, coming straight from school on a Friday and being dropped off back at his mum's on a Sunday night (or Monday night if it's a bank holiday weekend).

He's a ball of energy and an incredibly polite boy - does get a bit loud on his playstation, but quietens down once he's been asked to.

Where I am struggling is the being questioned on every. single. thing. that I do, or place I go.

I work most Saturdays, during the day as overtime (usually from home) and in the evening at the local pub - the second I am dressed he's asking me "where are you going?", "who you going with?", "when are you back?". If I sit on the sofa, "why are you down here?", "why are you sat on the sofa and not upstairs?", "why are you watching this TV?" (as opposed to in my office working or dressing room getting ready for work, I think). I take a phone call, "who you on the phone to?", "who are you texting?".

It's constant, and I feel silly saying this as he is just a child but the tone of the questions is almost accusatory, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need to make sure in advance that he's aware of my every move and plan just to avoid the constant questions about it.

So as not to dripfeed, I was in an abusive relationship for a number of years where my moves and contact was questioned, so perhaps I'm finding this to be a trigger.

I know he means no harm by it, he's a child and he's curious, but I am exhausting of always having to explain where I'm going, who I'm going with, why I was on the phone, why I'm sat on the sofa, why I'm nipping to the shop, why I'm not upstairs, the time I'm working to, why I'm working til then, why I'm going into the office, why I'm at home, why I'm not having the same tea, why I don't want tea, etc etc etc.

I don't know if anyone has ever been through similar, or if DSS will grow out of it? It's only really ramped up in the last 3 or so years, but it is genuinely constant for the entire time he is with us. I don't want to feel like I'm avoiding him or dreading his visits because of the questions, but it's making me feel like a guest in my own home having to answer to DH and DSS. I've tried talking to DH about it and saying it makes me feel weird having to justify and explain myself all the time, but DH doesn't see the issue - I'm sure it would be a different story if he couldn't even answer a text without having to answer who it was and what they wanted though.

Thank you in advance for any responses and advice x

I'd start answering 'dunno' or 'cos I feel like it' whenever I would prefer not to engage.

I think your response to the first question should have been 'out' and then you should have gone, leaving no time for the next one.

Okay, getting uncomfortable with the level of questioning he feels he can throw at you. My kids would never say 'why are you wearing that'. It's like he thinks you are staff. What on earth?

How have you not lost your shit at this yet?!

little kids ask millions of questions. I vividly remember the “why?” phase but DS was 2-3yo for that!

I would wheel round to him, hands on hips, look of utter exasperation and say “mate! [insert his name or other terms of endearment]. “You sound like a toddler when you ask a million obvious questions like this. Can you STOP please.” Do it when his dad isn’t there to tell you off. Or be ready to argue back to your DH if he so much as dares to pull you up on what you’ve said and ask whether he would like the third degree about every action he ever takes.

Feels like I am staff - that’s actually how the questioning makes me feel, you’ve hit the nail on the head with that!

I know he's only 12 now, but the who are you phoning/where are you going/why are you wearing that questions need to stop before he's of an age to have a girlfriend and subjects her to this sort of inquisition.

.

Time to lose your shit and give him a verbal blasting. I very rarely lose it but when mine were winding me up deliberately like this, I'd only need to do it once.

He sounds like an obnoxious little shit.

I'd honestly just shout at him. I would.
I'd say "stop asking me questions! It's relentless and unnecessary and you need to stop! So stop! Enough! I don't want to hear this anymore!!!"

So I have 3 children, oldest is ADHD and has a lot of questions and needs to know everything, and even I don't get questioned as much as you seem to with one 12 year old!!
What I do is only answer the genuine questions with a genuine answer. For anything rude or obvious I push it back on him.
So for "where are you going?" I'd answer that with "out to meet my sister" (although surely he know this prior to the point where you're walking out the door? In that case I ask "do you remember the conversation about this earlier?")
"Why are you wearing that?", if asked in a rude way I'd push it back with "what else would I wear?"
For questions that are rudulously obvious like "why are you so warm", I'd ask him "why do you think I might be warm?". Or even, "is that a serious question?"
This makes them continuously have to answer their stupidly obvious question with the stupidly obvious answer. I refuse to answer these, its too tedious!
For DS nosey questions, like who are you texting, I'm at the point where I tell him what I'm doing on my phone/ipad/for work isn't his concern and its not something he can expect an answer on. And he has stopped with those type of questions.

I'd honestly just shout at him.

I wouldn't go straight to shouting, because he hasn't been told clearly not to do it. But I'd be telling him quite firmly to stop it, it's none of his business, and walking away. As long as op continues to answer his questions, he'll think it's ok.

But if he doesn't stop after being told firmly, then a raised voice might be necessary to get the message across.

Those questions are rude. Next time, put your hand out like a stop sign and tell him firmly to stop interrogating you. Explain that he is being (old fashioned concept!) impertinent. Then walk away.
Warn your DH that you intend to do this. Then it's up to him to pre-empt it.

So stop being a doormat to your step son and afraid of your DH reaction and take charge of the situation and nip it in the bud. You’re the adult. Act like it.

100%

Just say "who are you,the police" next time he questions you
When he asks why youre sst on the sofa, just say 'why is it a problem to you'
Your husband is obviously doing nothing, about it, so I'd just steam roller ahead and tell little lord font to stfu!!
This is going to grate on you to the point of no return you do realise that?

I wouldn’t ask him a question in return , that would extend the intrusive conversation - you need to shut it down with one response. I find “because I’m a grown up and that’s what I want to do” very useful….!!

Have you ever asked dss 'why all the questions?'

I have adhd kids and they are like this. Sometimes you just have to say 'sweetie, your being a bit rude now asking all these questions'

Or 'I love you, all these questions are a bit full on'

In light of your updates @StepmumWorries I am starting to agree with @Iris2020. I came across this sort of situation when I was teaching. Sometimes young inexperienced teachers found themselves similarly inappropriately questioned constantly by an older pupil. I am not talking about the natural curiosity of much younger children. When any SEN or emotional difficulties had been ruled out it came down to a form of taunting by the pupil of an inexperienced teacher. I get the feeling OP you are desperately trying to be very kind all the time to your SS but it has turned into you constantly ‘walking on eggshells’ around him. He is taking advantage of your good nature. It’s not about being unkind to the child but being very firm and fair in not putting up with this unwanted behaviour. You have a very difficult road ahead OP as his father is not supporting you in tackling this.

The scene in Uncle Buck "I'm a kid, that's my job" is funny but replaying that scene on a loop must be exhausting.

I think you need to start from the point of ‘this behaviour is atrociously rude’. Because it is.

pussyfooting around joke answers etc doesn’t get to the heart of it.

he needs to be told that it’s fucking rude and to stop. Maybe not the fucking bit, but that kind of tone.

it is utterly unacceptable.

it doesn’t matter if he’s nd, anxious, etc etc whatever people have said, he is being massively rude and that needs to stop.

I would say from the exchange you posted that you're also answering a bit as though you're staff. If he asks why you're wearing something a better response might be more along the lines of "Because I want to." or "I like it.". And follow up with "Why are you wearing that?". Not as tit for tat but to make him more aware of what he is asking of you. If the question is inappropriate in terms of privacy then saying "that's not really something you should ask people" would be better.

I'm amazed you haven't snapped and told him to go away and leave you alone.

Your husband is an idiot.

This is really out of line. You can't leave the house without being interrogated by him.

This is targeted behaviour. He only does it with you. I think he's bullying you and trying to exert control. He wants you to be uncomfortable about watching TV in your own home or going out or existing. He interrogated you about where you were going and even your clothes.

I feel sure that will help the feeling of dread I feel when I think about leaving my office or heading downstairs, I think I need to remove myself from it this weekend (with it being a bank holiday I have a few pub shifts anyway!) and have a serious conversation with my DH on Tuesday about how this needs to change.

I think your husband needs to check this hard. You're starting to dread being in what should be your safe place, your home, because your stepson is wildly intrusive into your every activity. It almost seems like there's a power struggle going on and your stepson is determined to be in control.

I wouldn't have answeref those questions myself. It's really rude to be so intrusive and demanding. Your stepson is doing this with you because your husband lets him get away with it.

Ah, one of those controlling men in the making. In a few years he'll be interrogating, monitoring and then threatening some poor girlfriend... demanding to oversee and decide on every aspect of her life.

Spending all his time at his mum's 'gaming til he sleeps' is not a good sign. His dad reinforces it by dismissing and chastising you like a child, in front of him.

Nip this misogyny in the bud NOW.

God people are so adverse to discipline these days. Part of a parents job is to teach their child appropriate behaviour, your husband is failing in this. He's almost 13, it might not be long before he has his first girlfriend, and he needs to know this behaviour is rude and inappropriate so he doesn't treat her like that.

Ask him back: “Why do you want to know?”. Then, depending on his answer, keep asking “why?”. He may soon get the message.