How can I handle my stepson constantly questioning everything I do?

[StepmumWorries]

Hi all

I'll start by saying 'cope' is probably the wrong choice of word, I love my step-son so much, but he has some tricky habits and I am finding myself almost dreading him visiting which is a really sad position to be in.

I've been with DH for 8 years, DSS is now 12, and I've been in his life since he was 3. DSS is with us every weekend and for the majority of all school holidays, coming straight from school on a Friday and being dropped off back at his mum's on a Sunday night (or Monday night if it's a bank holiday weekend).

He's a ball of energy and an incredibly polite boy - does get a bit loud on his playstation, but quietens down once he's been asked to.

Where I am struggling is the being questioned on every. single. thing. that I do, or place I go.

I work most Saturdays, during the day as overtime (usually from home) and in the evening at the local pub - the second I am dressed he's asking me "where are you going?", "who you going with?", "when are you back?". If I sit on the sofa, "why are you down here?", "why are you sat on the sofa and not upstairs?", "why are you watching this TV?" (as opposed to in my office working or dressing room getting ready for work, I think). I take a phone call, "who you on the phone to?", "who are you texting?".

It's constant, and I feel silly saying this as he is just a child but the tone of the questions is almost accusatory, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need to make sure in advance that he's aware of my every move and plan just to avoid the constant questions about it.

So as not to dripfeed, I was in an abusive relationship for a number of years where my moves and contact was questioned, so perhaps I'm finding this to be a trigger.

I know he means no harm by it, he's a child and he's curious, but I am exhausting of always having to explain where I'm going, who I'm going with, why I was on the phone, why I'm sat on the sofa, why I'm nipping to the shop, why I'm not upstairs, the time I'm working to, why I'm working til then, why I'm going into the office, why I'm at home, why I'm not having the same tea, why I don't want tea, etc etc etc.

I don't know if anyone has ever been through similar, or if DSS will grow out of it? It's only really ramped up in the last 3 or so years, but it is genuinely constant for the entire time he is with us. I don't want to feel like I'm avoiding him or dreading his visits because of the questions, but it's making me feel like a guest in my own home having to answer to DH and DSS. I've tried talking to DH about it and saying it makes me feel weird having to justify and explain myself all the time, but DH doesn't see the issue - I'm sure it would be a different story if he couldn't even answer a text without having to answer who it was and what they wanted though.

Thank you in advance for any responses and advice x

When he starts the nonsense when DH is in the room direct it to the DH.. this will show DH how annoying it is and stop him making excuses

@StepmumWorries But the biggest problem is not your stepson bugging you non-stop with questions (which is a big problem ofcourse) but your husbands failure to listen to you and tell his son to cut it out. If DH hears any of our boys being rude or giving me a hard time he intervenes straight away "don't you talk like that to your mother". Meanwhile your dh is gaslighting you saying it's not a problem when it obviously is. To you and to any sane person in your place. He needs to take your concerns seriously or his just a shit partner.

OP you seem really worried about upsetting your DH and SS by putting your foot down and being assertive in stopping this interrogation.

You need to question why you haven’t felt secure enough to be firm about this by saying it makes you feel uncomfortable and angry. It’s completely understandable that you don’t want to have to explain your every move in your own home and feel you have to explain yourself about everything.

This is isn’t normal and needs nipping in the bud, I agree with pp who said it’s abuse and controlling and your DH is allowing it to happen and brushing off your concerns. You should feel comfortable enough to express your annoyance and say you don’t want to be constantly questioned.

I would start questioning your DH on his every move and when he sees how infuriating it is then you can tell him this is how you feel. Some people need to experience annoying situations in order to understand them.

Next time your SS asks you a question you don’t want to answer I’d question why he needs to know and keep doing it every time he asks something.
You might get to the bottom of why he’s asking or it might get him to stop when he’s not getting responses he’s looking for.
If you feel you can’t do this in front of your DH then you need to ask yourself why you feel uncomfortable just for stopping unwanted questioning when it’s so unreasonable.

This will escalate if you don’t stop it and will make you dread being around your SS (it seems you do already) and will ruin your relationship with him and make you resentful to your DH for not supporting you in stopping this.
If your SS isn’t made aware how controlling this is then he could behave like this in his relationships in future with any girlfriends and then they might have to go through what you have experienced in the past.

You have every right to live your life in your own home without answering to anyone. I hope now you know how unreasonable it is from this thread that you put a stop to it asap.

What stands out to me is both the lack of relationship he seems to have with his mum due to spending such little time with her (so, does he not know how to have a relationship with a woman?), and your DH’s lack of support. I find it hard to believe that anyone could think this level of questioning would be anything other than annoying. It’s a common joke among parents that it drives you up the wall when they go through that phase as toddlers. He is much older than a toddler. And telling you off for fairly gently reminding your DSS that people find this kind of questioning annoying?!

You mention you have been in an abusive relationship in the past. Ime it’s very common to get into another slightly less abusive or more covertly abusive relationship and I would seriously consider why he isn’t being more supportive here.

Understandably exhausting and maddening. If you were getting all these questions and the accusatory tone from a grown man/your partner, it would sound abusive/controlling. I'm not saying the boy is either of those things. But at some point, it might need calmly explaining why he can't ask the contents of someone's text, or confidential work stuff. That some things are private. I'm curious that he questions you but not Dad. And that Dad seems to think it's OK for you to be driven to distraction by this. Unspoken in many families is that women and girls are lesser, and it's OK to treat them differently to, or worse than, men.

In my classroom I have some SEN kids like this, super anxious, hate changes to routine (secondary school). Can you talk to him when he comes in about what his routine is going to be for the weekend? Write it on a board with him and let him be really involved in deciding what he’d like to do. Make sure he knows where to look if he’s not sure where/what he’s supposed to be/doing. Try and add in some scheduled time with you where he can ask you questions but limit them. I give kids 5 buttons or discs and they give 1 up for each question they ask. After the buttons have gone the questions have to stop and no more are answered. This has the benefit of them really thinking about the value of each question. I talk to 6th form students who still remember me doing this!

Think about if he does this with a girlfriend, asking her why she's wearing certain clothes and why is she warm and who is she texting and what's it about and all the rest. It would be called coercive control. This is not ok behaviour. Your husband is letting his son get away with controlling behaviour instead of teaching him how to treat women better. That is part of his job as a parent.

Why is your husband letting him do this to a grown woman and shutting you down when you said something mild about it?

DO IT BACK.

Why are wearing that
What are you doing
Why are you etc etc

It'll soon piss him off.

I wonder is he very attached to you because he likes/loves you and he doesn’t have a very secure attachment with his mother as he sees her so little which sounds like be her own choosing. Maybe worry that you’ll distance yourself from him too makes him anxious and overinvested in what you’re doing? Definitely needs dealing with though, so stressful for you if not him too.

Does your DH know of your past abusive relationship? Sadly, knowing a woman has been abused in the past can excite some men, and reading all your updates of the situation makes me wonder if your DH is allowing his son to bully you as a form of coercive control by proxy.

Maybe if you ask the same constant questions of your partner he might have some understanding of where you're coming from.

I see things a little differently, I think he wants more of a relationship with you. I think he is trying to show interest in you and what you are doing. He gets lots of interaction from his dad by the sounds of things and nothing very much from his mum. Why don't you say as you come down the stairs, hey Xxxx I'm going to hang up the washing would you like to help? And when I've done that I'm going to make a cuppa unless you'd like to make me one, then I have a bit more work to do until 5:30pm. What would you like for dinner?
He probably really likes you and wants just more interaction with you. I normally find with younger children asking lots of questions they are just trying to talk with you, if you start giving them lots of information and asking them questions they calm down a bit. Just start chit chatting about your day with him.

I see a child harassing his kind step-mother because the father lets him.

OP, he sounds like a rude pup that is dragged up.

Your husband is a shit father and husband to allow his son to behave like this.

Your history of abuse is perhaps why you tolerate this.

Why are you allowing yourself to be spoken to like this?

Do not bring a child into this dynamic.

You sound ground down, harrassed and bullied.

Why does your husband enjoy seeing this is what you need to ask yourself?

You are in denial and fog over the toxic reality.

Pack a bag, go stay with family.

Take a break from this.

Bloody hell. I can't imagine actual biological mothers having this level of convoluted chitchat on the daily with their children.

This op said she spends entire days with her stepson. So of course she must give even more of herself because stepson might want MORE of a relationship with her 🙄

This child has 2 parents. What he needs is for op to assert her boundaries gently and firmly, otherwise he is in danger of becoming an entitled and socially awkward young adult with little respect for others.

Every weekend being interrogated and made to feel like staff. Made to feel unwelcome in her own home.

Absolutely agree with this. When my own DC have been through phases of this I have said things along the lines of “give me a break, please”. I haven’t thought “oh I need to give more of myself” - that’s how you end up burnt out, and then they don’t get what they need let alone what they want from you.

Have you tried giving him more information? If one of my dc asked me what I was doing, I’d chat away with them about the washing, why I was doing it then (I’m just washing these uniforms for tomorrow. I forgot completely to put them in earlier. They’ll take about an hour, so I’ll be back down then. What are you working on there?)

I’ve always found that I chattered to my own dc, from birth, but I found it much harder to talk with other people’s dc, even when I was minding them as toddlers and talking lots to them was a part of the job. I wonder if maybe you’re not chatting enough with him? I’m not judging - it’s no small task being a sm, and there are aspects of parenting that don’t come as easily.

With regards to the accusatory tone, I think that your past experience has given you a filter. When my dc have a tone, I wonder what’s up with them, but it really wouldn’t cross my mind to take it personally. They just don’t have that power over me, iyswim. I’m too busy computing what could up with them, how I should respond, etc. Even if I’m just ticking them off for rudeness, I wouldn’t actually be offended. They’re just dc, being dc. But it’s very understandable that you’d be triggered, and I think this is probably something you should try and work through for yourself. It’s very hard when someone has undermined your core stability and self worth and it takes work to heal that. You deserve to feel grounded and that you absolutely belong in your home, and if a child is unsettling your equilibrium, that’s a sign that you have some deep needs to take care of.

IMO, It’s really important as parents that we try to reflect and work on ourselves, especially facing into the teen years, which is like a sort of boot camp therapeutic endurance! Unlike the cute early years, you just cannot rely on your dc for self worth. They figure out who they are by pushing up against aspects of who we are. Those micro rejections can feel brutal but it’s not personal, unless you make it so.

It’s hard to convey tone in a post, and I hope this doesn’t sound snippy or patronising because it’s meant with kindness. 12 year olds are wonderful, and irritating and endearing and challenging and frustrating and brilliant.

@JillThePlantKiller , you're talking about your own children. The child in OP's home is not her own child. There's a big difference.

The boy doesn't quiz his own parents, only his step-mother.
The boy is nearly 13 not a little kid.

I wouldn’t actually be offended. They’re just dc, being dc. But it’s very understandable that you’d be triggered, and I think this is probably something you should try and work through for yourself

So when kids hit 18, they suddenly realise these behaviours arent appropriate all by themselves? Or do they in fact need PARENTING and told when they're behaving inappropriately? Also dont gas light OP about the tone, shes fully capable of interpreting his tone, and in a far better position to judge it than you are.

This.

And she can't have a long chat when she's on her way out to meet people.

I'd start recording your DSS everytime he he starts with his interrogation of you, then you can play it back to your useless DH and ask if he really thinks this level of questioning by a 13 year old child is acceptable. If he defends his son's intimidation of you in your own home, then you have a real problem and may need to re-think your future, especially as you are subjected to this behaviour every weekend and every school holiday without a break.

In the meantime don't engage with the son, don't answer the questions, ignore him, if necessary put headphones on to shut him out. You have indulged this child for far too long and now he feels he has the upper hand and feels emboldened to harass you constantly in your own home, knowing that there are no consequences as his father is happy to let his wife be spoken to like a servant.

A 13 year old boy behaving like this to you is all kind of fucked up, it is completely abnormal.

I'm probably reaching a bit here but do you think this has anything to do with his relationship (or lack thereof) with his mum?

He's with you every weekend and school holiday, someone else takes him to school (and collects him?) and he seems to barely see his mother in all this.

I wonder if being the other consistent female in his life, he is projecting his issues with his mum onto you? He must feel quite unwanted and abandoned by his mum and maybe his interrogations of you are related to this?

Have you and his dad always had him so much? Has his mum always spent so little time with him?

Duct tape 🤐

No, OP, you need to take this in hand. Because it's becoming rude and off-putting. The child is twelve, he can stand a bit of chastisement here. Especially since your husband doesn't seem to care. I'd be straight up and say that it's nice to be curious about people, but there comes a point when it tiptoes into rudeness. Or even tape the questions and point that out to your DH.

Ugh, that would put me off the kid to be honest, nice traits or no.