How can I handle my stepson constantly questioning everything I do?

[StepmumWorries]

Hi all

I'll start by saying 'cope' is probably the wrong choice of word, I love my step-son so much, but he has some tricky habits and I am finding myself almost dreading him visiting which is a really sad position to be in.

I've been with DH for 8 years, DSS is now 12, and I've been in his life since he was 3. DSS is with us every weekend and for the majority of all school holidays, coming straight from school on a Friday and being dropped off back at his mum's on a Sunday night (or Monday night if it's a bank holiday weekend).

He's a ball of energy and an incredibly polite boy - does get a bit loud on his playstation, but quietens down once he's been asked to.

Where I am struggling is the being questioned on every. single. thing. that I do, or place I go.

I work most Saturdays, during the day as overtime (usually from home) and in the evening at the local pub - the second I am dressed he's asking me "where are you going?", "who you going with?", "when are you back?". If I sit on the sofa, "why are you down here?", "why are you sat on the sofa and not upstairs?", "why are you watching this TV?" (as opposed to in my office working or dressing room getting ready for work, I think). I take a phone call, "who you on the phone to?", "who are you texting?".

It's constant, and I feel silly saying this as he is just a child but the tone of the questions is almost accusatory, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need to make sure in advance that he's aware of my every move and plan just to avoid the constant questions about it.

So as not to dripfeed, I was in an abusive relationship for a number of years where my moves and contact was questioned, so perhaps I'm finding this to be a trigger.

I know he means no harm by it, he's a child and he's curious, but I am exhausting of always having to explain where I'm going, who I'm going with, why I was on the phone, why I'm sat on the sofa, why I'm nipping to the shop, why I'm not upstairs, the time I'm working to, why I'm working til then, why I'm going into the office, why I'm at home, why I'm not having the same tea, why I don't want tea, etc etc etc.

I don't know if anyone has ever been through similar, or if DSS will grow out of it? It's only really ramped up in the last 3 or so years, but it is genuinely constant for the entire time he is with us. I don't want to feel like I'm avoiding him or dreading his visits because of the questions, but it's making me feel like a guest in my own home having to answer to DH and DSS. I've tried talking to DH about it and saying it makes me feel weird having to justify and explain myself all the time, but DH doesn't see the issue - I'm sure it would be a different story if he couldn't even answer a text without having to answer who it was and what they wanted though.

Thank you in advance for any responses and advice x

Always answer his questions with a question. Put it back on him

Blimey you are right about the mummy? Yes. mummy? Yes. Mummy? Infuriating conversations. It is like a “ping” signal on a network: you still there, you still there, you still there.
V annoying all the same……

Read the thread more carefully. OP said he has her attention all the time except when working.

Haha..make up some espionage answers.

aka..It's top secret. I can't tell you.
I need to talk with the Prime Minister in 20 minutes and you can't be here.
Russia and China and their submarines are off the coast of Fraggle Rock.

Talk in riddles...if the big hand says 42 and the little hand says 31, what's the meaning?

I'd have a field day with the nosey wee glipe..

Some kids ask lots of questions for reassurance (where are you going, what are you doing, when will you be back etc?), as for some reason they worry if they don't know where everyone is, or they want to know who is going to be looking after them.

Some kids do it as a way of having a conversation, because they don't understand how to have a proper conversation. They want to engage with you, or just hear your voice, so they just ask the first thing that comes into their head.

Some kids are actually just mature and polite and ask about your day and who you saw, what you did. It's because they're interested.

Could any of the above be reasons for the questions your stepson asks?

Of course, some kids are just annoying and a pain in the arse! I have no suggestions on how to solve this! (I don't know what to say about the tone. Could it be he has heard other people speaking to you that way, or heard it on a tv show? Is he actually aware of/understand what he sounds like?)

It happens when OP is working and OP's sister is not the child's aunt.

A 12-yo should not need constant attention from his stepmother and his father is there when it happens.

OP should not be changing her work hours to suit her stepchild, @LadyLapsang .

I disagree with posters who think it's rude or that he should know better. Would it be rude if you asked your partner why he was home from work? Or controlling if you asked why he was going to the shops?
Yes if it was like the questioning in the OP, @Haffdonga .

'Nunya' is your friend here.

"Who are you talking to?"
"Nunya." Smile.

He'll either know what it means, I'd assume he would, or he'll ask who is Nunya.

"Nunya business," said with a smile and light-hearted, if you know he won't take it wrong or be offended by it. Rinse and repeat for the most mundane questions.

I wonder if he just really likes you and wants to talk to and feel connected but it crap at conversation. I would rather questions than droning on about crap which is what my kids did at that age.

That's what I feel too. It's a game.

Your dh is being a git. He needs to have your back. My eldest dgs is 12 and ND and wouldn't dream of doing this.

My partners autistic and canbe like this, I just say why what do you needfrom me. Makes him think and realise what he's doing.

Op said no nd?

@Haffdonga @Notmyreality He's 12, not 8.

I think this is probably rooted in the relationship he has with his actual mum. She doesn't seem to have much time for him. It sounds like you give him buckets of attention and care, in other words the total opposite of what his mum is doing. Deep down he probably feels the painful fact of that. He loves the attention you give him and feels anxious, insecure that it might end so is continually 'testing' you. Something like that, anyway!

I think it's down, at least partly, to the way women in the home are seen as service people by society. My role was very much to facilitate the household, sounds like you role is too to some extent if, as you say above "DSS has my undivided attention when he is here, unless I am at work." - so public property in a way men in the household often aren't. And your DH shutting down your concerns is a part of that.

OP, I'd give this some very careful thought. Something that needs adressing firmly with both of them.

I'd let him ask maybe 2 questions then say 'no more questions now'.

There might be an element of the DH and DSS thinking that the wife and step-mother should be doing the service work for the household.

Whatever his reasons are, if it's got to the point where you are dreading going downstairs in your own home, it needs to stop.

He just doesn't see the annoyance in these questions, because they are not directed at him - that's all.

Then I think it's time he found out what it's like.

Every time he does something, ask a question.

Where are you going?
What are you going to get?
Who was that on the phone?
You're going to get petrol - how much will you put in? What will it cost? Will you come straight home?
What are you watching on your phone?
Why are you sitting in that chair?

etc...

No diagnosed ND. That's not the same as actually no ND. I wasn't diagnosed till I was 45 but I've been autistic my whole life.

Personally I think this is very autistic behaviour and he needs to be answered, just factually, so he feels secure. You could put a time limit on: "DSS I need a break from questions now so for the next 30 minutes I don't want you to ask me any please".

My DS does it and it is exhausting, you need to meet the need a bit and also put boundaries round it. It's ok to say you're tired and can't keep coming up with answers.

@StepmumWorries I would explain to him (kindly) that it's rude to ask why you are downstairs etc- it's your house. I would talk to him about how he seems to be very invested in all the details of your life. Why is he asking you all those questions and not anyone else? Ask him that because it's not normal behaviour of a 12 year old. My autistic DS could have asked those questions when younger but my DS2 12 y old def wouldn't ask me any questions at all- he's too focussed on his own life which is the way it should be.

You missed that he only does it to OP.
If autism would be* *the reason for his behaviour then he would do the same thing to his parents.

The issue seems to be that you havent set boundaries with either DH or stepson. You dont have to explain or justify to either of them. Keep your response short, simple and unapologetic and eventually they will get the point and stop. Sounds simple but consistent clear boundaries works wonders.

Thank you everyone for the comments.

For more context perhaps re the tone, I just left the house now to meet my sister, the first question:

”Where you going?!” - in the tone as if I’ve just thrown a full meal in the bin and someone’s asking “why have you done that?!”

I said I am going to meet my sister at the pub for some food, then I’ll be home, he said “why you wearing that?!” - I’m in a pink summer dress as it’s almost 30° here

I said it’s very warm and this will keep me cool, he said “why are you so warm?” I said because it’s very hot and I left

I’m genuinely drained. DH was in the bath so didn’t observe any of this.

Not necessarily. My ND children behave differently with me than they do with DH, and differently again with other people. It depends on how safe they feel with you and what your position in their life is.