How can I handle my stepson constantly questioning everything I do?

[StepmumWorries]

Hi all

I'll start by saying 'cope' is probably the wrong choice of word, I love my step-son so much, but he has some tricky habits and I am finding myself almost dreading him visiting which is a really sad position to be in.

I've been with DH for 8 years, DSS is now 12, and I've been in his life since he was 3. DSS is with us every weekend and for the majority of all school holidays, coming straight from school on a Friday and being dropped off back at his mum's on a Sunday night (or Monday night if it's a bank holiday weekend).

He's a ball of energy and an incredibly polite boy - does get a bit loud on his playstation, but quietens down once he's been asked to.

Where I am struggling is the being questioned on every. single. thing. that I do, or place I go.

I work most Saturdays, during the day as overtime (usually from home) and in the evening at the local pub - the second I am dressed he's asking me "where are you going?", "who you going with?", "when are you back?". If I sit on the sofa, "why are you down here?", "why are you sat on the sofa and not upstairs?", "why are you watching this TV?" (as opposed to in my office working or dressing room getting ready for work, I think). I take a phone call, "who you on the phone to?", "who are you texting?".

It's constant, and I feel silly saying this as he is just a child but the tone of the questions is almost accusatory, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need to make sure in advance that he's aware of my every move and plan just to avoid the constant questions about it.

So as not to dripfeed, I was in an abusive relationship for a number of years where my moves and contact was questioned, so perhaps I'm finding this to be a trigger.

I know he means no harm by it, he's a child and he's curious, but I am exhausting of always having to explain where I'm going, who I'm going with, why I was on the phone, why I'm sat on the sofa, why I'm nipping to the shop, why I'm not upstairs, the time I'm working to, why I'm working til then, why I'm going into the office, why I'm at home, why I'm not having the same tea, why I don't want tea, etc etc etc.

I don't know if anyone has ever been through similar, or if DSS will grow out of it? It's only really ramped up in the last 3 or so years, but it is genuinely constant for the entire time he is with us. I don't want to feel like I'm avoiding him or dreading his visits because of the questions, but it's making me feel like a guest in my own home having to answer to DH and DSS. I've tried talking to DH about it and saying it makes me feel weird having to justify and explain myself all the time, but DH doesn't see the issue - I'm sure it would be a different story if he couldn't even answer a text without having to answer who it was and what they wanted though.

Thank you in advance for any responses and advice x

Some children do go through this. Not all, and there doesn't have to any real reason.
Maybe get his dad to have a word with him.
If any of mine asked something annoyingvI would just answer with a more annoying question like have you done your homework, cleaned your room etc. It soon shut them down.

He's doing it to see how far he can go. He knows his father won't intervene.
It's bullying.

You need to get your husband to parent his child properly or it will get worse.
You should not be dreading being in your own home.

Your husband isn't being 'a good husband and an amazing father'.

How do you know she got zero support? Do you know them?

If his mum has had a few long term relationships throughout his young life, that is not a fully stable home life (at hers). You are the only step parent/partner that is still around all these years. He is probably scared that you will leave/disappear as well. Doesn’t stop it being annoying though!

by continually answering you are validating him so the behaviour continues. Remind him you are an adult and your work (why is he even looking at your teams messages) and personal messages are private and not his business.

DH is only intervening to correct you and not DSS behaviour. so redirect all questions to his father. For every question why don't you ask your dad? It's not on, he's 12. It's oppressive and if you don't want to do that, just start to mimic him. not in a mean way just reflect his behaviour back at him till he understands.

What game is that? what are you doing, why did you pick that up? what does this button do? who are you playing with, how long doesit it take, why are you playing it? etc

Is he on the spectrum by any chance?

I know someone who does this that was diagnosed with Asperger's years ago.

I had a DD who was like this, it was exhausting. She was really just curious and had no filter. She asked because it didn't occur to her to think first and answer it for herself. She did eventually stop. It took quite a few months (maybe over a year in all, but it got significantly better after a few months) of saying "[DD], why do you think I'm down here?", "Why do you watch the TV programs you watch?", "Where do I go almost every Sunday at this time?", etc. and, occasionally, "That's not really your business is it? Would you be OK if I asked you those sorts of questions about your calls/friends/clothes/whatever?"

Her tone wasn't accusatory, but it was sometimes suspicious. I don't think that was because she thought I was doing something "bad". She just wasn't thinking about being polite. Because I would say "what's with the suspicion?" and she'd look genuinely surprised.

I had a few direct chats with her about it too, explaining that it was a bit rude and she needed to stop and think a bit. She didn't only do it to me, but it wasn't relentless with other people, just occasional. I think it's down, at least partly, to the way women in the home are seen as service people by society. My role was very much to facilitate the household, sounds like you role is too to some extent if, as you say above "DSS has my undivided attention when he is here, unless I am at work." - so public property in a way men in the household often aren't. And your DH shutting down your concerns is a part of that.

I think your DH has really let you down here. Glad you intend to have a firm talk with him about it on Tuesday. I think that's the starting point - and not taking no for an answer from him. He doesn't get to dictate that you put up with something you don't like. I think you probably also need to make it clear you have your own life and there are times DSS does NOT have your undivided attention.

Something is happening in your home which makes you feel uncomfortable and weird and your husband couldn't give a toss? What a Prince he is 🙄

Does sound odd for an 8 yo.

But aside from that tell him none of your business, stop being rude, it’s bloody annoying and stop asking.
It has nothing to do with your DH. Youre an adult in your own home. I would hope you could deal with an annoying child.

Doesn’t see much of his mum does he?
Couple of hours a day? I would tell him not to be so nosy, but I think he is seeking reassurance.

Personally, I'd also make myself absent for a bit over the weekends. You say when you are not working he has your undivided attention - go out for the day or evening without them. It will give you a bit of a break, be some fun activities and If DH questions it you can honestly say that the constant questioning thing from SS bothers you so much you would rather not be around him for a while. Again, when it impacts DH, he may start to see a problem to address.

This.

Your stepson doesn't need your undivided attention. Again, you're an autonomous person and his parent is there. I think you need to be less available for both of them.

This is problematic behaviour that has progressed to the point you're uncomfortable in your own home with your stepson questioning your every mood and your husband is just dismissing your feelings about this controlling behaviour. That's sure not an excellent husband. He doesn't want to rock the boat. So be less available.

Hello there, you sound like a lovely step mum. Sorry if this has been said before but could there be something that he’s worried about but doesn’t want to / doesn’t know how to say?

you could try this: when you have finished work, go and sit next to him on the sofa, call him over if necessary and get him to sit next to you. Make sure you have his full attention and then ask him directly ‘(name) is everything ok? Do you want to talk about anything? Or are you worried about anything?’ Look him directly in the eyes in a friendly way. Let him answer each question before you ask the next one. Then reassure him that you and his dad are here for him.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong, but it sounds like he could be insecure or worried about something and may not know how to tell you or how to bring it up so it is manifesting as hundreds of questions, which is understandably annoying !

It's constant, and I feel silly saying this as he is just a child but the tone of the questions is almost accusatory, and I'm getting to the point where I feel like I need to make sure in advance that he's aware of my every move and plan just to avoid the constant questions about it.

This needs to be nipped in the bud now. Unless it's something to do with security, timing of mealtimes or similar, he's not entitled to know everything and he needs to get used to that sooner rather than later. Pandering to it will not necessarily make it better. Often it makes it even worse.

Next time he does it, just act nonchalant and say 'I don’t know' or 'Must be a mystery!'.

He won't like that at the beginning, but he needs to learn that some things are unknown, and that's ok.

In your case your husband has a very ''I'm alright Jack' attitude, but I think you need to be prepared that the reason why he won't he won't sort this out is because quite frankly, you are not the top priority in his life - his son is, and always will be.

Good point about you being the 'service person'. You said something else earlier about conversations between the three of you 'except when DH is preoccupied with something'. Why is his dad allowed to be preoccupied with something and left alone, but you aren't?

Agree that you don't have to just bear with this and that your husband doesn't get to decide what is 'uncalled for' unilaterally.

Given your updates and the info on your DH I would be really tempted to reply to DSS questions with “I’m not sure, ask your Dad” “um.. what does your dad think?” “Dad will explain if you go and find him” “I’m just doing dinner can you ask your dad” and see how far that gets him. Your DH definitely needs to support you here, sounds unbearable.

OP with kindness, stop letting the child walk all over you. You’re in charge act like it. To put it another way, stop being so bloody soft.

Lol...good idea.

It really does seem like it could be anxiety issue. He is probably not even aware he is doing this.
He is old enough, is he mature enough to have a conversation about it?

In a fun way, make a “date” with him and go out just the two of you for milkshake/ice cream or somewhere you feel he’d like to go.
Let him know you want both have some time to chat…. Start with plans for dad’s birthday, Father’s Day, a holiday plan etc has he got ideas/thoughts for these.

Then move onto the question issue.
Light hearty ask him if he knows he asks you a thousand questions a day…. Let him know you find it tiring. Be light hearted…. give him some examples of how it would be if it was reversed with you asking him a thousand (pointless) questions.

Ask him if he’s aware he does this…. If he is, ask him why….
If he doesn’t, talk about a challenge of reducing (pointless) questions.
Do make it clear it’s not about not wanting to talk… it’s just the fffflippping questions.
Ask him for ideas on how you guys together can help him reduce the pointless questions.

Make it funny and silly….
Ask him for suggestions of what you can say to him when he asks.
eg “Why are you coming down stairs?”
you response could be -
“Why don’t think I’m coming down stairs?”

Turn it into the equivalent of a swear jar…. Every time he asks a (pointless) question add or take a coin to the jar …. Use pieces of raw pasta, smarties …. Anything

Help him to visualise (and Dad) how many Qs he’s asking.
Draw up a chart, compare days, weekends etc….try to work through this with him.

I’ve waffled a lot here, and not articulately, hopefully though maybe these are some ideas for you.

When our DC started with those kinds of questions, I eventually turned it round and asked why they think I am doing something, going somewhere, watching TV. It did lessen the questions somewhat.

@Notmyreality , the stepson is 12.

Doesn’t change any of my comments. In fact makes it worse.

He may be seeking reassurance, he may be bored or he might think that you should be doing stuff for him or his Dad - earning money, cooking dinner, doing laundry - rather than watching TV or chatting to friends and family.

Could he think that women are supposed to look after the men - he's not too young to have come across some serious misogyny on-line or from friends. This would explain why he doesn't ask his father intrusive questions.

Any suggestion that this could be the case needs to be nipped in the bud by you and your husband.

I think he probably needs more undivided attention. He has just arrived. It would be good to sit down for a snack and a chat, whether that is with you or his dad. The example of you talking to your sister; wouldn’t you let him have a quick chat with his Aunt? It might be good to try to focus on work when he is with his mum so he can be the focus at the weekend when he is with you and his dad.

“Please stop asking endless questions about what I’m up to. It is rude and annoying”.

@Notmyreality , I agree. If it was from a little kid it would be annoying but just a phase but a 12 y o should be aware that it is intrusive and irritating.

The father and mother should be teaching their child basic social skills.