In-laws refusal of a letter.

[LongstemmedRose]

I’m not really sure where to put this, so I’ve added it as a chat.

My daughter is soon to be 18. She’s spoken to her boyfriend at length about a scrapbook she’d like to make, filled with cards and letters from all the people she loves and who love her. He messaged me to ask if I could help by collecting letters from her loved ones so he can add them to the scrapbook as one of her birthday gifts, which I thought was really thoughtful of him.

I messaged all of her loved ones yesterday — friends, family friends, family — basically everyone who loves her and has watched her grow and mature. Every single person agreed it was a wonderful idea and was happy to help. Some said they’d write a letter, and others said they’d do a longer birthday-style message.
I messaged my in‑laws yesterday and asked the same thing, and my MIL has point‑blank refused. Her response was: “It’s not our thing, so no!”

I’m really upset because my daughter is the eldest of the four grandchildren (two of them are mine and my husband’s) and the only girl. She has always been treated differently to the boys, and it’s very obvious that my son is the favourite grandchild. It’s hard to see, especially as my children are close in age and would have spent the same amount of time with my in‑laws.

As a bit of backstory: they stopped seeing my daughter when she was six months old and didn’t see her again until she was two. This was after a falling‑out, but they were never stopped from having a relationship with her.

They also chose not to come to our wedding, and the day before we got married my MIL posted a letter through our door telling my husband she’d never forgive him because she had “given him everything.” My husband was devastated, and it marred the day — not to mention everyone asking where they were. She made the day all about her, and it feels like she’s doing the same now. When my daughter opens her scrapbook, she will notice the absence of a letter from her grandparents, and it will just reinforce that she has always been treated differently.

To add, my FIL is an amazing man, and this will upset him greatly as he will have had no say in it. He has always been controlled by my MIL in every aspect of his life. Last week he actually lost his temper with her and shouted, which is completely out of character. She then spoke to my son about it and said she thinks he has dementia. I said I think he’s just had enough of being controlled.
Anyway, I’ve gone off on a tangent.

I love my daughter with all my heart, and she’s done nothing wrong. What do I say to her when she asks where the letter from her grandparents is? She loves them dearly and I don't want this to throw a wedge between them and they are coming to her party so she may well ask them there and then! She is autistic so doesn't always see the world in the way others might.

I also hate his kind of thing, I feel awkward and find it hard to say nice things as I still feel like a teenager not wanting to be too ‘cringe’. That’s a me issue. I was asked to do one for my nieces 13th, I did it anyway. It was rubbish and I bit short but I did it as I was asked. I think she’s being a dick. If I was your DH I’d ask her again but ultimately if she refused there’s nothing you can do

Did you never have, like, leavers books or year books in school where your friends wrote to you in them? I think it's quite similar to that. Turning 18 is a like a crossroads in your life, and it's nice to get a snapshot of your life at that time.. and what better way than by collecting what people think of you? I would happily do this for a friend or family member if I was asked to.

I expect many responses will be insincere. I bet she wants a proper present as well. Am I right? Maybe a Tiffany gold necklace?

I wouldn't have patience for this kind of self-centred neediness. If one of my children had a partner trying to do this for them I'd probably set up a WhatsApp group for them but then step back. I'd supply a letter no problem but I'd eye roll. What would you even write? You're 18 congratulations and good luck.

I’m sorry but I would hate to do this. I’d do it if the person was dying but that’s about it. My own grandparents loved me beyond belief but I honestly can’t see them doing this.

Has she saved a card from a birthday or something she could use?

Or just print the “not our thing” email off and stick that in, it might give her a laugh in the future.

The MIL sounds horrible in general, but I'm with her on this point. I would hate it too. Especially the fact that whatever is written is going to be stuck in a book and shown to all and sundry, so not even private between writer and recipient.

Okay from reading other posts, it seems she wants people to write about how special she is to them?

In that case, definitely not. It’s fishing and it’s not sincere if she is asking people to do it.

You might want to work on her expectations of life going forward, OP.

@LongstemmedRose hasn't posted since the OP.

The history with MIL aside, I think asking loved ones to write curated letters as a sort of ode to oneself is incredibly self indulgent, contrived, and weird.

Most people go the extra mile for 18th birthdays in terms of cards and gifts anyway. Surely that’s sufficient?

Can you print a generic message on nice note paper in a handwriting font saying something like "So proud of my beautiful grand daughter. You grew so fast. All my love," and privately ask FIL to sign it?

I’d stick a photo of them together in it and if she asks why there isn’t a letter then just tell her what she said.

I wouldn’t think too much into it tbh, it sounds like you know what kind of person she is and at 18 then your daughter likely does too. She probably won’t be surprised to see there’s a letter missing from them.

Just tell her that MIL is nasty and always has been. Hopefully that will settle any future expectations of decency.

My mum did me this kindness when I was a young adult and it massively helped manage my expectations

I have no problem at all with a girl feeling confident and secure enough to want to take a snapshot of the special people in her life and her relationships with them. The people who love her will be happy to. The people who see an opportunity to criticise are missing the possibility that this is someone who genuinely appreciates the love around her. Which says so much about them.

Surprised how many people are so negative about the idea. But MN is a parallel universe where people hate their neighbours, so .......

The point of a scrapbook surely is to pull together letters, cards, pics in your possession into one place.

Absolutely fine, but asking relatives to contribute new stuff to order is odd and rather cringe.

Clearly MIL is a bit of an old boot but someone was bound to baulk at this, and the way to deal with it is not to make any deal of it other than to say it’s “just not her thing”.

It's like something from a Christian movie you'd see on the Hallmark Channel. The US influence on this country has a lot to answer for.

Too forced

Also people quite commonly just write To X Lots of love from Y in cards anyway.

Phew, I'm relieved to read so many posts saying what I feel: talk about main character syndrome! An entire scrapbook dedicated to how much people love you, and that you've asked them to write/send things for, so you can be presented with it on your birthday... 😬Seriously, how sincere or meaningful can such a thing ever be?

The problems with your MIL is entirely separate. Why did you think you'd get a "yes" from her?

She may well appreciate it. However asking for people to do this is really embarrassing. If someone I loved asked me to do this, it would just feel insincere and a bit weird.

She is clearly either insecure or overly confident but it feels off that she is asking for it. Anyone who doesn’t do it is going to look bad

Surely a scrapbook is for stuff you've already got not trying to get people to write letters saying how amazing you are...it's all a bit self-indulgent

The first part of the OP reads like the DD would like to make the scrapbook, so isn’t the present the scrapbook which the DD can fill with cards she receives and any photos etc she may have of friends and relations and any other mementoes. And the scrapbook being one of those craft ones. So not necessarily wanting a scrapbook to open on her birthday with everything already in it and letters purposely written for it

Put the card or a pic in. You’re the one making this a big deal.

Suspect there might be better presents for an 18 yr old than a look-at-me egofest.

I would have had no problem doing this but I find writing creatively very easy. Having said that, both you and your daughter need to be adult enough to realise that this is not everyone's cup of tea, so don't take it personally.

But honestly, how? And I am not trying to be dismissive of your feelings.

I absolutely get you might not relish a wordy, emotive missive. Fair enough. But one or two lines ('wishing you the happiest of days on this significant birthday. I'm so proud of the person you have become. Love always' or similar) really isn't a hardship. No matter how 'uncomfortable' you feel. Of course anyone can manage a short few lines, or a quote from a poem, or some other signifier.