What age did you get engaged, married and have kids?

[Benny91]

As I feel life is too short and I’m just throwing my life away. Me and my girlfriend are 33 and have just bought a house and are yet to get engaged, married and have kids. But because the cost of everything else we’ve just saved up for a house and have thought about the said stuff to a later time. But as said we both feel it’s a ticking time bomb to have marriage and kids, because for a woman after 35 it’s gets harder to have children. We’ve been together since 26, but all of this cost of living has made our lives a bit further behind than we’d like to be.

Anyone else in a similar situation?

27,28,34,36

Life happens. And yes, he did; we thought I was terminal and it was too late in the day to change arrangements (this turned out to not be true). I discovered the right way for me to have children, but my ex always treated it like it was some secret shame that our children are not made of his precious sperm.

Sorry, that was such a toxic thing to type, but he’s been so toxic to them. Bit messy, but we all have a good life now (except ex and his new wife; she’ll lose him how she got him 🤷‍♀️). They really like my second DH.

I don’t talk about them on here because… well, I was raised to think no one should have their business shared without their consent (even on a “parenting website” - MN is treated by a lot of people as Tattle-lite), and they’re the innocent people in our lives. And because I’m incredibly proud of them - the things they’ve done are amazing to me and I never want that affected by something as minor as MN. Jesus, that’s the meno - I just made myself cry 😂 😭

So he left you when you were 35
Remained your carer whilst also remarrying someone
you met, fell in love and remarried at 40 and went on to have children?

Engaged at 21
House & married at 23
DS1 at 27
DD1 at 30.

What? I’m not sure it’s your business but not all adoptions are of babies. I’m in my 40s and my son and daughter were adopted when my ex and I were 28 and they were already out of diapers; it was a familial adoption. As for remaining my carer, it was an extremely complicated situation our family will have to deal with forever - he “left me,” but tried to argue that we could just be some kind of polyamorous family while he was married to his second wife for “visa reasons” and I was on so many opioid painkillers for what was supposed to be a terminal illness that I just let him gaslight me. My children blamed me, and they were right to, but things are a lot better now. I’m in one country, my kids are currently in another country, and my ex is in a third country. It’s healthier to report than troll hunt because you don’t ACTUALLY know anything about anyone here.

I haven’t disclosed my children on any previous username, because it’s no one’s fucking business and I don’t want people’s bad opinion of me to reflect on them. Most people here know I’m disabled (I don’t hide it) and think I’m childless (I do hide my children) and I should never have risen to the bait of admitting I had any.

I got married at 24, had my first child a 25 and my second at 26.

If you want to be married you can be. It is as expensive as you make it.

Together 25
moved in together 27
Engaged 28
Married 30
DS born 34
DD born 38

engaged 19, married 20, pregnant 22, first child 23

Oh come on. You can’t post that you divorced and your ex remarried but at the same time remained your carer - without posters being a touch intrigued @GiorgioArmageddi !

Oh, that was intrigue? So then when you said you were sorry in your first reply along with the question, you were… what? Trying to give me enough rope to hang myself? I’m just another fucked up human, not a political candidate 😂

Look, let me tell you about lying - I did it when I was a child so my dad wouldn’t hurt me. But lying takes an incredible amount of effort for most of us, and especially if you have ADHD - I try to just always say what I think now because it’s the only way to remember what I’ve said every day, after some vascular damage caused by my disease. Bad enough that I waste too much time on MN; but it would be a ten-fold waste if I wasted all this time and during it, I was engaging dishonestly. Either you genuinely want to answer people’s questions, in which case lies are unnecessary, OR you’re just here for entertainment, in which case truth is unnecessary. But that means, again, I don’t really owe you anything.

And truthfully? I’m glad that you think this is so outlandish. It says a lot about you and probably your social group, and I’m glad you’re safe and have a support network, so you think you’d never be in a situation like I was, and find it so preposterous that you think it must be false. Good. I like that worldview for you; it sounds like a better life than I’ve had.

I left a comment on this thread days ago and no one said a thing about it until you, so it isn’t that special. What happened to me happens to thousands of other women worldwide every year: wife gets too sick for sex, husband uses it to justify cheating, and husband then does very minimal caring duties until her death so he doesn’t look like a complete fucking psychopath (ex is diagnosed with ASPD). I just happened not to die in a timely enough manner for him, so everything got rapidly toxic and emotionally and financially abusive. I’ve seen or heard directly of this three times in our small community (sick wife, cheating “carer” husband who doesn’t care at all), and I’m not even a very social person, AND in two cases, these were “good”, “trustworthy” men in the community who did this shit.

Damaged people damage people. It’s pretty boring at the core and not exactly news at 11. Tons of MN users have stories much, much worse than mine and this is why they’re so careful about only sharing under throwaways - I’m trying to be smarter now, and to start heeding their warnings.

I can’t face reading this novel

but if you say you divorced a man and he remained your carer despite remarrying himself… don’t be surprised if you get questions!

Oh ffs.
You troll hunt.
I answer you by explaining the abuse, you go, “I’m not reading that novel.”
Thanks for your useful and honest engagement 👍

TL; DR:

• My situation was not unique or special.
• Men cheat on sick wives constantly, and act as “carers” who don’t care (I’ve personally seen it three times, lived it once).
• I’m glad your life is (apparently?) so safe, happy, and free of abuse that you find this not-uncommon situation outlandish.
• Also, I shouldn’t “expect” it, because no one decided my life was a lie except YOU.
• Everyone else just cruised on by because worse happens to women on here every day.
• Every woman and MN user knows this.

Hope the bullet points help with any attention span or literacy problems! I won’t bother you with any further engagement.

Sorry to jump on bandwagon @GiorgioArmageddi but what did his new wife think of her new husband being his ex wife’s carer?

I was already disabled, and was diagnosed as terminal before he divorced me and she married him; she basically got a job promotion from just “the OW.” She married him knowing I was stuck in that house and practically bedbound. She told me I didn’t have the courage to commit suicide, so that’s who she was. He was diagnosed with ASPD and it would make sense if she has it, too. She also laughs when people get hurt and her “comfort” films are violent war movies (Apocalypse Now, etc). They may be a better match.

I realize you’re not trying to be rude, but you don’t really care, and talking about this stuff isn’t fun for me. If you genuinely fear you’re in a situation similar to mine and want support because you’re being gaslit, you can DM me any questions and I’ll answer them as honestly and helpfully as I can, but privately.

I can’t really understand what you’ve written here but I don’t have any questions and good luck for the future

Yes, apologies; sometimes, my ADHD can seem worse when I try to write about my personal life and it scatters my thoughts. I forget people just want their question answered. YOUR QUESTION: “What did his new wife think of me/the situation?” ANSWER: She was incredibly angry at me for still being alive.
There you go.
Thanks for the future wishes. I feel lucky to have one.