Do 99% of men think about someone else while DTD?

[Salsa2026]

Just that really. Lots of people, here and in general say things like, “all men fantasise about other women during sex at the very least sometimes”. And when I say all I really mean the vast majority, as there can always be an exception to everything.

If it’s true I think it’s quite grim tbh and makes me glad I’m not in a relationship. I’d want a man to be all about me 🤣

Oh sorry you misunderstood. Not everyone lies! Some people won't do it. Some people will do it but won't ever be asked. Some people will be asked and will lie. Some will be asked and tell the truth (or offer the information without being asked).

As you would be unhappy with someone who does it, I was saying you need to find someone either who doesn't do it or who would lie when asked. Or just don't ask.

People who have asked do men think of other women whilst they are inside you - a resounding yes.

Do you know about it - a very high chance no

Would they admit it - also no

Would you stay with him even though he thinks of other people - yes....please see above.

I'm sorry to break it to you, but all the people thinking my DH would never.....he already has, just like he walks down the street and glances at other women and notes that they are attractive, just like he thinks Megan Fox is gorgeous.

If you think he is immune you are wither 12, incredibly naive or completely blinkered.

There are plenty of other things to worry about, this shouldn't be one of them.

You think that without sex a couple is "just roommates"? That is so sad and also quite offensive and disrespectful. So my mum, who loves her now severely disabled husband more than anything is just his housemate? A friend who had a 4th degree obstetric tear and can't physically have sex again, is she just a housemate to her husband? A loving couple struggling with work and new babies and life are "just housemates"? A menopausal woman who finds sex too painful? A couple who stay together despite the man's ED?

Your self worth shouldn't be attached to how much someone wants to have sex with you. Nor should your value as a partner or spouse.

Yes, sex is. Though most people evaluate their relationships holistically. I have a great husband; we share our lives and our dreams and laugh like drains and enjoy each other every day. We met as emotionally and financially independent adults, and remain so: I have full confidence that regardless of anything inside our heads, we are both here purely because we want to be - not because we need to be or rely on each other. We have sex more or less every day; he’s enthusiastic and attentive, I always orgasm. This all seems like a pure win for me. I have nothing to gain from getting all up inside my own head wondering whether he may, or may not, be thinking something I’ll never know is the case, or not, and which has no impact on my experience of the sex we have. It’s all Schrodinger’s Cat: and I don’t think many people let that philosophy guide their life choices. So, for me, why this particular aspect?

I completely accept that some people might decide they never want to have sex or a relationship again because they’re fearful of the possibility their partner might have fantasies and that makes them unhappy. Being in a relationship isn’t mandatory. But I think there’s a point at which so much introspection and second-guessing becomes a bit of a hindrance.

"You think that without sex a couple is "just roommates"? That is so sad and also quite offensive and disrespectful." - whilst I very much agree there is, and should be more to a relationship than sex you'll find many women and some men on the sexless marriage thread who say just that about their sexless relationships.

Yeah I agree with that and think it's sad if you feel you have got to that spot. Equally some partners can have toxic awful relationships and still have lots of sex. Sex doesn't make a relationship, and the lack of it doesn't negate one.

@ComtesseDeSpair that sums up how I feel about it very well, too.

You are going to extremes - we are talking about fleeting thoughts

your posts feel very dogmatic

Of course you would t be able to - ridiculous

If you don't know what he's thinking about, you can't say they're fleeting.

You are very passive - it’s himself he’s doing it to not you

Oh no I don’t one one who does it and lies 🤣 I’d rather end it.

The question of the thread was not

do you think your partner has to think about someone else when he sleeps with you

which is what you are answering

No he would be fantasising about someone else instead of thinking of me, which is off-putting in every sense…. Don’t is going something to me because it’s using my body while thinking of another woman.

I don’t think you understand intimate relationships at all

But your take on it from your posts is very your not enough…

you are enough

like I said I don’t think you have a mature understanding of relationships - you are looking for a fantasy

So every single time a man has sex with you he needs or wants to imagine someone else? Gross.

Are you just adding words which aren't there in people's posts? Just to upset yourself?

You don't want one who lies. But you'd be happy with someone who lies (and perhaps you have been before). Because you wouldn't know. That is what lying is.

She didn’t say that - she was explaining reality

my husband looked at other women - he just loved women and respected them too - I never felt the slightest bit jealous because I knew he thought my body and bum etc etc were the best ever!!

Indeed. Very black and white way of looking at the world!

How are you enough if he has to think about other women?

The question doesn’t even exist in my mind - it’s in your mind - you are devaluing yourself over a man’s behaviour toward you - it’s their problem not yours

you are turning what’s probably natural into a judgement about your worth

Not every single time. But it's unrealistic to think that after 20 years, we wouldn't have imagined someone else every so often.

I certainly have and expect DH has as well.

I think in this scenario though, I’d end up being able to tell. Not all men are good liars 🙃 I wouldn’t be happy with a liar. I don’t want ignorance is bliss, I want someone who is truly attracted to me.