Do 99% of men think about someone else while DTD?

[Salsa2026]

Just that really. Lots of people, here and in general say things like, “all men fantasise about other women during sex at the very least sometimes”. And when I say all I really mean the vast majority, as there can always be an exception to everything.

If it’s true I think it’s quite grim tbh and makes me glad I’m not in a relationship. I’d want a man to be all about me 🤣

Do you have to close your eyes to think?

Well here goes, and @saunalove too if you're interested.

I don't know whether my DW has ever fantasised about or visualised another man while we've had sex. I wouldn't be surprised if she had nor would I feel sad to discover it. I'd honestly rather she was having a good time. It's your acts that are the measure of your love for another person, not your thoughts. Her acts towards me and mine towards her is how we show love. This is true in and out of bed and I am not going to waste my energy speculating about the thoughts that lie behind them. Someone else quoted Elizabeth I. I agree: I'm not going to make a window into her soul and I'll add Massive Attack: Love, love is a verb / Love is a doing word.

Saunalove, you said it's between two people and why can't that be enough, and that it would make you feel inadequate. But people are complicated and I think it's very easy to feel inadequate if we think too much about what another person might be thinking in relation to ourselves. We all have our own experiences, memories, dreams etc and a person's interior world should be their own to explore with privacy. Unless it affects our acts in the world.

Can't edit - not only are you pretending she's someone else, you're pretending she's women you know.

Well yes I think you should. And I think this proves my point: sometimes it's better not to ask and better not to know.

Quite!

Do you? Context is important. Obviously one can think with their eyes open in general 🙄But a man who is actively looking at his partner’s body, drinking it in during sex, isn’t going to be thinking about a different woman’s body is he, he’d be distracted by what he is actually seeing in front of him, rendering the fantasy pointless.

I don't think that's how everyone's brains or imaginations work. I could (and do) look at my partner's body (or any part of it) while fantasing about another person. I suppose some people can't look at one thing and imagine another. Some people can't imagine anything in their "mind's eye" at all tbf so I guess everyone is different!

I am sure vast majority have at some point

its a fantasy if anyone feels insecure about this then best not have those conversations with your partner

Why even been be in a relationship though ?
If you are single you can have sex with lots of different people so you don't have to get to the point where you are so bored of your existing partner that you have to think about other people instead.

I appreciate your measured response @Catullus5however I very much agree with @AtYourPleasure

I, too, find it utterly depressing to think that my husband is having sex with me, looking at my naked body, and imagining I am someone else.

To be honest I think it’s best to know and find someone who is more attracted to you.

This

Is that a serious question? Answers would depend on the person but I'm guessing would include (but not be limited to)

• I love my partner
• my partner loves me
• I would rather be in a relationship than single
• My partner is the only person I want to have sex with
• I can separate reality from imagination
• Noone is getting hurt if they either don't know or don't care what I'm thinking about every second of our lives together

Or someone who will lie to you to spare upsetting you? You really need to get over thinking that it has everything to do with attraction. Do you think that a man could never cheat on a gorgeous woman he's attracted to? Why would he eh?

If you are happy then great.
I honestly would feel like never having sex again if I thought my partner had to think of someone else to get turned on ( or stay turned on).
But I'm willing to admit that I , with a few others on this thread, appear to be in the minority.
Imagining or fantasising whilst masturbating is one thing ..but imagining someone else whilst your penis is inside someone ( especially if it's someone you love) is just sad in my opinion and not anything I would ever want.

Because there's more to a relationship than sex.

Could the same not be said about masturbating though? If you want to fantasise about other women then why are you with me? Am I not enough?

I don’t really see how this is even a discussion. Unless the other person tells you, or is so obviously disgusted by you that they’re disassociated, there is no way to tell who or what they’re thinking about mid-pump, mid-suck or mid-lick.

I'm sorry it's upset you so much. I imagine OP wouldn't have asked if she knew she'd get people answering in the honest way that they have. I wouldn't worry too much because it's not something you'll ever likely have to worry about, even if the person you're with sometimes enjoys fantasising mid-sex (not "has to", but perhaps just "enjoys") this is something they are very unlikely to ever bring up or admit if asked 💁

PS I also sometimes imagine I'm someone else (during sex as well as on my own) - what should I do about that? I can't very well break up with myself ...

You see i would disagree.
I think I would be able to tell.
And you can disagree with that too, as is your right.

Tbh (although it's just a guess) I think if someone was "disassociating" they're just as likely, if not more, to be thinking about something completely unrelated (like the washing up, or worrying about work). Whereas who knows what might be going through their mind if they're super horny and rampant. Prob not the shopping list.

Why do you think that everyone has to lie? Some people might be honest. Not everyone cries at the truth.

And yes I do think it’s majorly off-putting if a partner needs to fantasise about someone else during sex, and I’d rather not be with a man who does that to me.

But it is a key part of it. Otherwise you’re just good roommates.

While thinking of others to masturbate is also not ideal, it is different to fantasising about others during sex.

People on here are be honest for themselves, but they still can’t speak for everyone else out there.