Unsettled with DH’s disclosure of income

[ParisianLady]

I will firstly acknowledge that this is a good problem to have but it has been on my mind. I know I might get flamed but I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this.

Essentially I asked my DH the other day what he earned/made last year, and the answer was much higher than I expected. He doesn’t even know the exact number and went off to find out.

We have a really very nice life, 3 kids at private school, lovely house, lovely holidays where we fly premium or business, parties for friends and no money worries. I grew up in a more modest environment so this is wonderful and I know how lucky we are.

I work full time in a really stressful job for my own enjoyment but it is well paid and I enjoy having my ‘own’ money and sense of achievement. I do the usual frugal and sensible things like buy second hand school uniform, buy big packets of meat and split them, put the dishwasher on at night on the cheaper rate, shop of bargains. But I will fairly spend freely on things we need or just want.

My DH recently asked if I could pay for some building work, and when we needed a new car I bought it myself (and was proud and happy to do that). He’s generous but it felt fair for me to pay for these things myself.

Somehow if feels a dishonest by omission of him not to have said what his business was making. I knew it was successful but am just shocked. Not that it materially changes our nice life but why did I pay for the building work for example?

He isn’t hiding anything, he just didn’t think it was worth mentioning and I didn’t ask. But it just doesn’t sit right. Does anyone have any advice apart from ‘talk to him about it’. It’s made me re-evaluate lots of our recent decisions

I don't know much about our finances either. I leave everything to DH. He provides a wonderful lifestyle for me and my son and as I don't work, he pays me an allowance. I've never wanted a joint bank account because I don't want to have to explain every penny I spend. Having an allowance means I don't have to do and it saves arguments I see my friends having.

DH pays for everything but I do contribute sometimes but when my allowance is so much less than his salary then no, I wouldn't be paying for building work.

All the time I am enjoying 5/6. holidays a year, drive a nice car, son is being financially supported through Uni, then I don't care. I feel very blessed.

Not strange. Modern. Joint bank accounts are a thing of the past.

It’s completely normal in the private sector. A whole new uniform inc PE kit and sports equipment can cost in the region of £1000 at some schools and the children lose bits all the time. Many people hand uniform down or pick up spares in the second hand uniform shop. Also, in old money circles, it can be considered “nouveau riche” to have your children all kitted out in brand new uniform. Apparently Kate Middleton’s parents were sneered at when she was at Marlborough for this.

This is what I don't understand - she said they share an account, so surely she knows what his income is because she sees it going into the account? I'm a bit confused to be honest.

Again, it is not the money going into the account as his income, it is the money the COMPANY has.

She hasn't clarified this that I have seen, but I'm assuming this is a personal account, not a company account so it wouldn't be company money, It would be his income that goes into a joint account, not the company's profits.

Different mindset. Eg at our local state school, girls wear £500-600 prom dresses to their Yr11 prom and arrive in a limo. At the private school, all the girls wear dresses from Shein or similar and their Dad drops them off (albeit in a Porsche.)

How would you not stand for it when you have no idea what's going on?

As a director of the company you would have had to sign end of year financial statements so you should know exactly how his business is doing.

Unless you were signing statements without reading them? In which case you could have been signing anything.

Don’t beat yourself up over this. I’ve never been in your situation but imagine it could be something like “ hey I’ve just had a great year according to my accountant, let’s have a look at what we could do with our joint income this financial year”

@FullLondonEye

Yes, we have a joint account but our income doesn’t get paid into it. We transfer money into it adhoc as needed (and realistically more him than me but I’ve not checked) and sometimes if there’s a bigger joint amount we put it in there, eg I got a tax rebate and put it in the joint account for household expenses.

We’ve always worked it this way, I don’t feel unhappy about it and it works for us. He will pay large bills such as school fees from his income and I pay other bills from my income. His company’s money is our money used for our benefit. I don’t feel that I am being kept from anything.

Lots of food for thought, thank you for the contributions both harsh and measured, I’ve read them all. We are going to sit down on Monday and talk money, I’ve sent him a list of topics and questions. He has shared more info already, not realising that I wanted to know more. I’ve been open in telling him I was surprised at what he told me and want to understand more, he absolutely understands.

As many people have pointed out, and I acknowledge myself; it’s a good problem to have and the solution is quite simple.

I would sit down and have a discussion with him about setting up a household account for joint expenses.

DH and I are paid into our own accounts but then transfer a set amount each month into the joint account and into joint savings. This is where all household/family expenditure comes out from so for holidays, buying a car or paying for building work it would come from the joint household account. It's a shared, family expense. If I want to go on a girls trip with my friends or for any other personal spending, that would come out of my own bank account and it means I don't raise an eyebrow if DH wants to spend his personal money on tech. But family money is accessed and paid for jointly.

Our personal money is for our own spending and investments but we sit down together once a quarter to go through finances and update our spreadsheets. This means that both DH and I have the information about what each other holds in pensions, stocks and shares, premium bonds etc. If he dropped down dead I would at least have access to our joint savings and would know where his pension and personal investments are held.

@GertrudeOHara Catty as fuck. Footballer's wives types🙄

@DressOrSkirt I’ve never had to sign anything. Our accountants do all of it tbh. I sign my tax return document and provide them with the information that they request, but for the Ltd company I haven’t signed a thing. Presumably he signs as I can’t see our very strait laced and sensible accountant forging my signature! He’s the majority shareholder, surely not every director has to sign otherwise it would be unworkable

OP people on here would have you in a hair shirt.

I pay more in tax than most people earn, I’m getting my free bus pass when the time comes to give up my car 😂

It’s literally in the OP.

Somehow if feels a dishonest by omission of him not to have said what his business was making. I knew it was successful but am just shocked.

Yes on paper it looks like an afluant lifestyle, but in reality it could all be on credit cards. There's a old saying "all that glitters is not gold"

Business owners tend to limit their salary to minimise income tax liability. It’s more efficient to keep profits in the company to be taxed under corporation tax.
He will pay himself a mixture of salary, dividend and pension contributions.

So his salary would not tell OP anything about the turnover/profits of the firm.

Interesting take. We have a state school near us. It's where all the people go that would probably like to go to the private school but don't, for whatever reason. It's a wannabe private school of a certain ilk if you like, right down to the aggressive marketing, style of uniform and competitive attitude. They have a massive supply of secondhand uniform. Apparently no one buys it. They recently built a building just to house the stock that they're not selling! Apparently for some, buying secondhand wouldn't suit the image. Again, that was a state school.

Just because a person attends a private school, doesn't mean they can't appreciate the benefits of handing down uniform (both financial and environmental). You don't even know what private school they attend, it could be one with a very green ethos. They're not all populated by nouveau riche trying to prove their bank balance to others.

Which is absolutely fine, as long as you always remain happily married.

My daughter is at private school and sometimes the second hand uniform shop is so busy that you can’t even get in the door. Most people buy at least some stuff second hand. It’s good for the environment and there is zero stigma because pretty much everyone does it.

What surprises me most about this is how you are a director in his company, but you know so little about it. That opens you up to huge liabilities because company directors have responsibilities in law. You should look them up because they are quite serious. You say that you are a serious and considered person at work, but not so much in your personal finances. If you are a company director you should think of this as work and make sure you are aware of the company's finances, strategic direction, risks and liabilities especially if it employs other people (because as a director your responsibility includes the health and safety of employees).

Sooo can I borrow a fiver?

don't sweat the small stuff.

Are you married and in the UK? Sounds like you're roughly 50:50 in the eyes of the law anyway.

If he’s paying 3 school fees and holidays he’s not stopping at £100k!

I can’t take any more of these rich git threads 😩 between this one and old ‘lent my pal £300k for a Cornish crash pad’ one yesterday, I’m getting thoroughly depressed 😩

Motion proposed to split Mumsnet into Scumsnet for those of us earning less than six figures as a household and deliberating whether Lidl or Aldi has the cheapest veg deals, and Plumsnet for people asking whether the Aston Martin or the Porche is better to drive to the helipad this weekend en route to the chateau.