Unsettled with DH’s disclosure of income

[ParisianLady]

I will firstly acknowledge that this is a good problem to have but it has been on my mind. I know I might get flamed but I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this.

Essentially I asked my DH the other day what he earned/made last year, and the answer was much higher than I expected. He doesn’t even know the exact number and went off to find out.

We have a really very nice life, 3 kids at private school, lovely house, lovely holidays where we fly premium or business, parties for friends and no money worries. I grew up in a more modest environment so this is wonderful and I know how lucky we are.

I work full time in a really stressful job for my own enjoyment but it is well paid and I enjoy having my ‘own’ money and sense of achievement. I do the usual frugal and sensible things like buy second hand school uniform, buy big packets of meat and split them, put the dishwasher on at night on the cheaper rate, shop of bargains. But I will fairly spend freely on things we need or just want.

My DH recently asked if I could pay for some building work, and when we needed a new car I bought it myself (and was proud and happy to do that). He’s generous but it felt fair for me to pay for these things myself.

Somehow if feels a dishonest by omission of him not to have said what his business was making. I knew it was successful but am just shocked. Not that it materially changes our nice life but why did I pay for the building work for example?

He isn’t hiding anything, he just didn’t think it was worth mentioning and I didn’t ask. But it just doesn’t sit right. Does anyone have any advice apart from ‘talk to him about it’. It’s made me re-evaluate lots of our recent decisions

What his business is making is not the same as the wage he’s taking from the business, though. I don’t really see the issue. It sounds like you’re saying as he earns so much he should pay for everything?

I cannot fathom not knowing this kind of stuff!
You both earn, you both should contribute, does it matter who pays for what?

It sounds like neither of you have paid a huge amount of attention to the household income or budget planning.

That’s a both of you issue not a one of you issue.

I'm not really sure what the issue is. For people not on a salary there isn't always a headline number that's easy to explain and I can definitely see that he might not have kept updating you as the business grew.

Is it how you're splitting expenditure that's bothering you?

Why do you not know hoe much money he is taking from the business on a monthly basis? Why is something like building work and new cars not discussed along with what is available in each of your bank accounts? Having to assume there is not a joint account. It is a very strange set up.

Three kids in private school
and the ability to fly premium or business should probably have been a clue that you are absolutely minted - not sure how you missed that?

Perhaps the building work was a cash flow thing, I don’t know.

Fine to be questioning. Also fine to use this as catalyst to sit down and discuss being more open with each other so you both have a good handle on family finances.

Is there a joint account? Do the school fees/business class travel etc come out of his account or yours/joint?

Not really any alternative to ‘talk to him about it’ to be honest!

Exactly this!!

I also don’t understand what the issue is. Do you want him to pay for more now you know his income?

I’m not entirely sure what the issue is, perhaps just his casualness at dropping this large figure and actually not even knowing what it was. Not thinking to mention it to me?

I had a sort of similar situation in that I never really knew what DH earned and he basically paid for everything with money to spare. Whatever I earned was either mine to spend as I liked, or I'd put it into savings.

I found it unsettling not having a grasp on our finances at all so we set up the Emma app. Everything we have is on there and it tracks everything. You can sort it by category etc and it does a nice graph showing your money going up or down.

Nothing has really changed for us day to day but I feel a lot more ownership over finances just by having access to the information.

It seemed you’ve been happy to spent this money and never asked. It’s as much on you as it is on him that you weren’t told before.

Yes, I think it’s made me realise that I don’t know much about the finances, he’s not hidden it, I just haven’t asked.

He pays the school fees, we split bills, holidays are mostly him but I do also pay for them sometimes. Sometimes it’s just Ryanair to Italy, which is totally fine.

I will find a time to talk to him about it more, what are his plans etc.

Surely everyone discusses finances in detail before getting married and having a child together?

I can’t believe that you’ve got this far into your marriage happily clueless about aspects of your family income.

What if his money was made from criminal activities, money laundering? Would you simply ignore the truth because it affords you a nice lifestyle?

If you’re capable of holding down a serious job, then you should be more involved in your families finances, surely?

Not that it materially changes our nice life but why did I pay for the building work for example?

You answered this yourself - "I was proud and happy to do so"

And - "He’s generous but it felt fair for me to pay for these things myself"

So I'm not sure why you're asking?

I don’t get these couples that strictly split their finances and don’t know anything about their partners finances 🤷‍♀️ just seems weird to me! Why isn’t it “household income”? Why aren’t you both approaching your finances a a team?

You feel weird about it because there seems to be little communication between you both about money.

I can’t understand how a married couple can have such separate finances tbh. That’s the conversation I’d be having. Obviously some separate fun money is ideal, but when it comes to school fees, cars and building work, those are family expenses, I can’t imagine not knowing what my husband was earning or thinking that I was paying for any of that out of my personal spending money.

We did discuss but were married some time ago. Money hasn’t been a concern for some years, so honestly we just don’t discuss it. There is enough for our needs and I knew our total savings and investments. We share the same accountant and I’m very open about my earnings.

It’s definitely not criminal activity!

Maybe you’re all right; this is a non issue and my fault for not asking. I will make an effort to ask more questions.

I would think that in a situation where there is a large discrepancy between salaries that it would be fairer for a percentage of each monthly wage to go into a joint account for paying for these things.

actually not even knowing what it was

This is really common though. My husband doesn't know what his income is because he is on a profit share in a partnership. To tell you what he earned last year he'd have to sit down and work it out, whereas I earn a salary and could tell you easily. It's just a different mindset.

Not that it materially changes our nice life but why did I pay for the building work for example

I don't understand this question- why does it matter who paid for what? You are married - it's all both of yours money surely.

Money hasn’t been a concern for some years, so honestly we just don’t discuss it.

And that's the point. You have a nice lifestyle and you can afford everything you want without thinking about it. Both of you are happy with the arrangement.

He didn't tell you for the same reason that you didn't ask him. There is enough money there and you didn't care.

It sounds like he picks up the majority of the joint costs (have you any idea how much 3 sets of private school fees costs?). Why wouldn't you expect to pay out for things like building work or family cars?

PE for 3 dc, a nice house & holidays costs £££££ though so you must have had an inkling?

We are comfortable too but DH works in a partnership with others where the dividend income fluctuates wildly from year to year (he has PAYE income too). We both put a share of our income into a joint account that covers all regular expenses and are free to save / spend / invest the rest separately but we do discuss who has got what where and which pot larger expenses such as renovations and cars is going to come from. We are also fairly similar in attitudes to spending / saving but I do all the bills and monthly household budgeting .We both really only know at the end of the tax year what our total income has been (I also have investment income plus salary) as it varies such a lot.

I understand that it might be slightly unsettling to find your understanding of your financial situation is wrong, however, I wouldn't say it's his fault your impression was incorrect. As someone who has a spreadsheet for everything I find it totally wild you don't know anything about your family finances but I understand everyone is different. The thing is, you can't be the person who never asks and never gives any impression you are interested and then feel put out that you don't know anything.

What's done is done but going forward I would make an effort to spend time together periodically reviewing your finances and making shared decisions about your future.