Unsettled with DH’s disclosure of income

[ParisianLady]

I will firstly acknowledge that this is a good problem to have but it has been on my mind. I know I might get flamed but I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this.

Essentially I asked my DH the other day what he earned/made last year, and the answer was much higher than I expected. He doesn’t even know the exact number and went off to find out.

We have a really very nice life, 3 kids at private school, lovely house, lovely holidays where we fly premium or business, parties for friends and no money worries. I grew up in a more modest environment so this is wonderful and I know how lucky we are.

I work full time in a really stressful job for my own enjoyment but it is well paid and I enjoy having my ‘own’ money and sense of achievement. I do the usual frugal and sensible things like buy second hand school uniform, buy big packets of meat and split them, put the dishwasher on at night on the cheaper rate, shop of bargains. But I will fairly spend freely on things we need or just want.

My DH recently asked if I could pay for some building work, and when we needed a new car I bought it myself (and was proud and happy to do that). He’s generous but it felt fair for me to pay for these things myself.

Somehow if feels a dishonest by omission of him not to have said what his business was making. I knew it was successful but am just shocked. Not that it materially changes our nice life but why did I pay for the building work for example?

He isn’t hiding anything, he just didn’t think it was worth mentioning and I didn’t ask. But it just doesn’t sit right. Does anyone have any advice apart from ‘talk to him about it’. It’s made me re-evaluate lots of our recent decisions

@ScotiaLass

I have checked on these, today, and am happy that we and I are compliant. All filings and reports are made correctly, no deadline missed, nothing omitted or questioned. All up to date.

There are no employees, no liabilities, no debt, no risks. Strategic direction is on my list to talk to DH about, that I do need to understand.

I don’t say this to be inflammatory, just to explain that there isn’t work I am actively neglecting to the detriment of a business or employees; there just isn’t anything for me to personally do and anything that needs done is done very well by the accountants. I understand that I could be liable if issues arose but as would my DH be and I struggle to see a scenario where that’s likely, beyond an accounting error on a filing. Possible but not something I can overly worry about.

Of course I need more awareness into our finances, I’ve been clear on that and have taken steps.

That sound blissful… and naive.

So why are you a director? It’s not needed for tax planning. Is he likely to sell? I assume he has alphabet shares?

Imagine in a cost of living crisis coming on here to moan that you didn’t know how well off you were… ergh 🙄

Honestly I think you've a bigger problem here. Dh and I both run our own business and we talk about it! "How was your day" or "how did your client meeting go" I work with individual clients and will send him screenshots when my calendar is full for a month and he will high 5 me or buy a celebratory bottle of wine, he has a handful of large clients and will talk about how much they're paying, is it worth the time, does he like working with them, is he taking too much work on etc etc.
How has it never come up!? What are you actually talking about when it comes to your days, your succeses, what's made you proud, how your day has gone, how finances are looking, can you afford that holiday, where should you invest your savings etc etc. I just can't get my head around it - sorry. Fanily finances, work -life, business success etc, they should be things you regularly discuss naturally because you're in one another's lives.

I didn’t say he was, just explaining the principle.

He may have set up a trust to pay school fees.

Show me a problem that’s not a problem. You have a lovely lifestyle and you had to pay for some building work. Maybe your husband wanted you to contribute?
And that is ok.

I'm totally with you on this, I've 2 kids in PS, probably less hols than you/slightly less well off than you guys, but we've done 3 this year so far, so we do go away to nice places (not business flights though).
I ALWAYS buy 2nd hand - vinted for me and dh and the kids, 2nd hand uniform shop for the kids every time. I buy 2nd hand cars too.
It's just not an area I'm that interested in paying top notch for. I like clothes but I see more value in my money going on holidays than clothes, bags, shoes. I don't get my nails done or beauty treatments either as I think they're expensive and I'm not bothered.
Being well off in some areas doesn't mean you always want to pay lots for everything. I love a good Aldi shop and a vinted haul and I also like a long haul holiday. I think it's common (always see a load of range rovers in our aldis car park!) Not sure why nobody believes you on this. 2nd hand stuff is also way better for the environment than cheap fast fashion bought new.

Sorry, in Ireland 2 directors have to sign financial statements but I understand it's different in the UK. But not even seeing those statements or other paperwork also shows you haven't had the chance to "not stand for" anything. You are lucky it's all above board now you've checked.

Considering you're a director I don't know how you feel he's hidden/not mentioned anything when you can get access to it. And as soon as you asked he answered. He probably assumed you already knew how much the business you are a director of was making.

In what way this does upset you? Are you worried he disrespects you financially or ...?

I understand how you feel OP. It just feels wrong that you paid for things thinking he had the same or less money as you, then you find out he has more!
Maybe there’s an argument for a little more transparency here? It might be helpful anyway so you can plan for retirement more effectively.
It is hard though, especially actually when you have more than enough so it feels a bit petty to be asking for exact figures.

It depends on the disparity

we don’t know if you’re talking about a £10k difference or a £100k difference. You’re acting as if it’s a material change whereby your income is peanuts in comparison but we don’t have the same information to come to that conclusion, to say he needs to contribute more

@Ireallywantadoughnut36

Of course we talk about things like this, his day and my day, his work and his clients, his deals. We went to the wedding of one of his clients. I talk about my day and work too. We help each other with tricky issues. We talk about holidays and projects, purchases and decisions, the future, who is walking the dog, the children, local traffic, the WiFi connection, what’s on Tv tonight, the food shop and weekend plans. All the very usual stuff that everyone discusses.

We don’t talk investments much, but not because he’s hiding, just because it’s not that relevant day to day.

I just didn’t know how much he had earned recently, I had assumed a figure in my head that made sense with our outgoings. The specific number didn’t seem relevant. He actually brought it up, that he was asked his earnings during a process, and so I asked what they were. The figure he gave me was much higher than I anticipated, hence the surprise.

His work, back to my legal partner example, is with others and he runs a big business there that I’m not at all a part of. I’m not a director or share holder or employee in any form. It is from this that he earns money which lands in the limited company (legitimately and with all proper tax) From there he pays his pension and dividends (I don’t receive a dividend as it doesn’t make sense with my earnings and would mess my PAYE tax up). I don’t think he earns a salary, if he does it would be small enough for me not to know.

It’s a normal and healthy relationship, I simply didn’t know what he was earning, and others have mentioned that they are in similar situations.

Doesn’t make sense not to take any salary and to only take dividends. Salary is a company expense. If he doesn’t take a salary he’s paying corp tax and then personal tax on all of his income.

@ItTook9Years well in that case he must pay himself a salary. I will add that to my list of questions. I assumed dividend payment only but could easily be wrong. But I doubt it’s a big salary.

Why's this funny though? Ryanair is v cheap. I have many friends on low to average wages, like nurses, and they're always taking holidays such as Ryanair to Italy, or Prague and such.

It's standard in business.

It wouldn’t work as settlor parent.

Is he an IFA? … 🤔

I'd be uncomfortable with this. If screams "what's mine is mine", and trust me, if things ever go pear shaped this type of attitude will really come to a head. You need full transparency for things to be fair, otherwise you could end up in a very vulnerable position.

Why not just pool all the money so it's simply all family money. A single pot.

I had assumed your OH was actually running a company that you had been made a director of which it comes with risks and liabilities, but it sounds like the company is actually just a means of reducing his tax bill. Normally the reason for adding a spouse as a director is to take advantage of their personal allowance/lower tax band to save further tax, but that's maybe not the case if you are also a higher rate tax payer? It's a bit disingenuous to say that all taxes are paid before his money goes into the company because this is a classic tax avoidance scheme. You should ask him about that.

Interesting that buying second hand uniforms appears so controversial here - I earn seven figures and wouldn’t dream of buying new. They wear them for such a short period of time and fast fashion is really not that great. As far as I’m aware, most people in our (private) school do this and there’s a thriving internal market presided over by the school secretary, with all proceeds going to charity. Surely a good thing, no?

You make it sound like child abuse - it’s clean, well fitting clothing in good condition. Who would ever know if a blazer was new, or, like my child’s, on its sixth wearer? They get to pick some clothes new as well.

We might easily have enough money for new things but I don’t like wasting it on stuff that isn’t important - like a brand new rugby top for £30 when a parent of a child a couple of years above will give me her child’s outgrown one, probably worn six times, for free. I appreciate it’s different if you think people might judge you for it, but in my social circle it’s very very normal.

Advice? Combine finances, obviously. You're married, not flatmates.