Unsettled with DH’s disclosure of income

[ParisianLady]

I will firstly acknowledge that this is a good problem to have but it has been on my mind. I know I might get flamed but I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this.

Essentially I asked my DH the other day what he earned/made last year, and the answer was much higher than I expected. He doesn’t even know the exact number and went off to find out.

We have a really very nice life, 3 kids at private school, lovely house, lovely holidays where we fly premium or business, parties for friends and no money worries. I grew up in a more modest environment so this is wonderful and I know how lucky we are.

I work full time in a really stressful job for my own enjoyment but it is well paid and I enjoy having my ‘own’ money and sense of achievement. I do the usual frugal and sensible things like buy second hand school uniform, buy big packets of meat and split them, put the dishwasher on at night on the cheaper rate, shop of bargains. But I will fairly spend freely on things we need or just want.

My DH recently asked if I could pay for some building work, and when we needed a new car I bought it myself (and was proud and happy to do that). He’s generous but it felt fair for me to pay for these things myself.

Somehow if feels a dishonest by omission of him not to have said what his business was making. I knew it was successful but am just shocked. Not that it materially changes our nice life but why did I pay for the building work for example?

He isn’t hiding anything, he just didn’t think it was worth mentioning and I didn’t ask. But it just doesn’t sit right. Does anyone have any advice apart from ‘talk to him about it’. It’s made me re-evaluate lots of our recent decisions

Our business turns over £2million - we earn £122.000 between us out of business - low margin, high turnover business- are you not sure he’s giving you what he turned over rather than what he could actually take after all costs and tax -if it’s limited company he will likely be paying corporation tax as well as personal tax unless he draws all available viaPAYE etc

If you know total savings then you must have an idea of income

So if he dropped down dead would you know anything about his accounts or have access to any money beyond what you earn ? ( because that would be the key to unlocking this subject for me )

Do you feel what he asks/expects you to pay for is a fair proportion? If so no problem.

If you're paying out a proportionately larger amount of your income than he is then that's not fair.
If you think he earns so much he should pay for everything and you have your income to yourself then that's not fair.

Or you could do the one pot method though we never have and it works fine for us having semi separate finances.

Nothing wrong with the steps you are taking to be frugal. I'm comfortably off and do the same, I hate seeing money/ energy/food going to waste even if I can afford it. Even our late Queen apparently used to switch lights off when she left an empty room and would tell her gardeners to reuse garden twine if it still had some life in it.

You need to plan more as a family. These are combined finances and therefore combined discussions. With the business, I tell my DH what I'm turning over and he knows what dividends I take out each year. He leaved the nitty gritty to me, but I'm open about it. He also tells me about his salary and earnings. It's joint money so it's joint news. We chuck it all in one pot. A bit like you there is no need for budgeting, but doesn't mean to say I don't update him on our investments (I'm in charge of that), and tell him how much I'm spending of our money on things.

I find the 'I paid for building work' a bit odd. Surely it's a family cost.

I have this same issue, except my husband has trust income and only discloses, just enough information so that I don’t feel excluded.

what helped me to get comfortable, was to get my own independent advisor. Depends on the sums involved here, but I found that I wasn’t doing lots of simple things that I should be doing to look after myself if I have a high income spouse who keeps me out of the loop.

I personally dont understand all this "he pays for x while I pay for y" when you're married with kids, its all just family money surely.

This! If the business has a high level of expenses, which many do especially if employees or contractors work for it, then business turnover will be large but he'll only receives a small fraction of profit over for his own income.

That may not be the case, it may be a low expenses industry, but it often is the case especially if there is any labour to pay for.

Also turnover and profit is usually only worked out at the year end for tax, it's just recorded all year but not necessarily looked at properly until the taxes are done so you can just not really think about what you earn as long as there's enough money coming in.

3 dc in private school but you buy second hand uniform?
Make it make sense...

Time for some transparency!

I really don't understand the issue here. I haven't got a clue what DH earns. He would tell me if I asked with no problem, but I'm not really interested.

The figure he quoted was profit. Granted not his earnings but essentially ‘money made after tax’.

@SmallBlondeMum that is quite common for private school parents, usually good supply of second hand uniform

Everyone buys second hand, we all do it, there are second hand uniform shops that are always busy. And you can sell back your old stuff too.

No need to buy new if you can get a good quality second hand item for less. Even with this new income amount knowledge I’d still buy second hand uniform.

I think you are right. I guess it seems such a laid back attitude and it’s annoying you, although you have a very nice life it seems there is no real communication from him. Think I’d just gloss over this though and enjoy the lifestyle without questioning things too much, there’s no point making anything of it as it will just spoil what you all have

"Just Ryanair to Italy"

😂😂😂

If you don’t even know what your DH earns you have far bigger issues than simply being surprised that it is so high.

Ahh it’s the business profits? Ltd company.

If do it’s not really his money.

It is and it isn’t but he will have a plan from accountant of how much he withdraws and when do he doesn’t get slammed with tax unnecessarily.

It might explain why he asked you to pay for the building work.

If you want this to be your money too then I would ask to be a director.

Business can go in peaks and troughs and again turnover and wages aren’t the same thing
also the business might require investment at some point

I'd be asking him what pension provision he has as a lot of self employed people have high income but don't think about pension

We have family income. Just because our employers value our work differently, we are one family and see each other as equals so I never understand his and hers money.

I don’t tell my husband what I earn exactly either. Not hiding anything but feels weird / crass to be discussing bonuses or how much shares I have coming… maybe it’s the same for him.
hes paying for the holidays and the school fees which are chunky line items and joint expenses so I don’t see the issue with you paying for building works for your house? Especially as you say you have a decent wage too.
is this a weird stealth boast?? Because if it is, someone will come along who will always have more money than you…

I wonder if it's uniquely British to consider it crass to discuss finances in marriage? I'm going through a divorce so I'm particularly unromantic about marriage these days (although I'm evangelical about its protections for the lower-earning party) but it is striking how few married people seem to understand that they have entered a firmly binding contract which makes them a financial unit with their spouse.

I think what’s bothering you is how little you know about your own finances.

You can remedy that - if you want.

@SmallBlondeMum

It makes perfect sense? There's loads of good quality, quickly outgrown uniform on offer in the school second hand shops, why not use it?

Most parents did it when we had kids at private school. Sell your old stuff, buy some perfectly good uniform from someone else, school PTA often ran the shop and made a bit of cash which then bought extra equipment etc for the kids .

Its pretty standard?

I don't think it's 'striking' at all really.

Yeah, you read about it on MN but I'd say we only remember it because it's not the norm for the vast majority.

On the other hand, if you read the benefit bashing threads every fucker claims to know exactly how much their neighbours have in the bank 😁