Unsettled with DH’s disclosure of income

[ParisianLady]

I will firstly acknowledge that this is a good problem to have but it has been on my mind. I know I might get flamed but I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this.

Essentially I asked my DH the other day what he earned/made last year, and the answer was much higher than I expected. He doesn’t even know the exact number and went off to find out.

We have a really very nice life, 3 kids at private school, lovely house, lovely holidays where we fly premium or business, parties for friends and no money worries. I grew up in a more modest environment so this is wonderful and I know how lucky we are.

I work full time in a really stressful job for my own enjoyment but it is well paid and I enjoy having my ‘own’ money and sense of achievement. I do the usual frugal and sensible things like buy second hand school uniform, buy big packets of meat and split them, put the dishwasher on at night on the cheaper rate, shop of bargains. But I will fairly spend freely on things we need or just want.

My DH recently asked if I could pay for some building work, and when we needed a new car I bought it myself (and was proud and happy to do that). He’s generous but it felt fair for me to pay for these things myself.

Somehow if feels a dishonest by omission of him not to have said what his business was making. I knew it was successful but am just shocked. Not that it materially changes our nice life but why did I pay for the building work for example?

He isn’t hiding anything, he just didn’t think it was worth mentioning and I didn’t ask. But it just doesn’t sit right. Does anyone have any advice apart from ‘talk to him about it’. It’s made me re-evaluate lots of our recent decisions

That doesn't make sense.

To pay dividends you need a shareholder resolution agreed at a shareholder meeting, and signed off by the board. So, at the very least the op would be aware of what dividends she was getting.

But why pay dividends (which given the op is a very high rated tax payer) which will be taxed again the highest rate possible, and can only be paid after corporation tax (minimum 19%), so meaning a reduction of around 64% at a minimum, when you can make a pension payment as a cost to the company with zero corporation tax and zero dividends tax and zero income tax, and zero NI for both sides?

I don't pay myself any salary from my company. I'm a basic rate tax payer. I put all my income into the pension other than maybe £10k pa in dividends.

If they don’t, I make them change it - hence ‘every’. It’s useful and costs are minimal. Def worth knowing about if you add someone at a later date.
My DH and kids all have different share classes in my Co. Only I have voting rights.

It’s part of an active conversation for me in the work I do, but I doubt it would get mentioned in the normal day to day.

You are really bloody wealthy OP.
I’m guessing he maybe didn’t bother to mention it because it literally doesn’t matter. You’re both absolutely loaded!

There's value in discussing finances. Turnover, income, outgoings and savings. Especially for the future and retirement.

It's great that this made you stop and think....and prepare for a conversation about long term and holistic financial health.

It's a key thing we're not taught and too many of us don't check in on and ensure proactively.....

I'm sure OP said something about signing things after the accountant had done his stuff. There are supposed to be minuted AGMs too, but it looks as though they are "done" without her knowledge.

Things can be done differently when there are only 2 directors. Corporation tax is only charged once a year, but dividends can be paid whenever as long as there is sufficient cash in the business to pay taxes. I used to reconcile everything quarterly when the VAT was due and pay out then. (I found that the software package I used was really good for all that - it saved a fortune in accountant fees - and we operated in two currencies as well, to add a further layer of complexity.

Incidentally, as the CEO/CFO I declared dividends without my partner's signature - has the legislation changed? (I might add that he knew everything that was happening within the business because we would discuss things informally most days when I had the business computer out).

Business management has changed not least because of the Labour Gov and perhaps that is what you need to talk to him about and give support. I would do some reading up first though so you have at least some idea of the pressure he may well be under. You clearly have a very grounded relationship and just need to ride things through. Nothing to worry about. It may well be a small readjustment tax wise as to how family funds are spent.

Just a different perspective on the "it's all joint money, so what?" responses...

My wife and I met 13 years ago, when we were both divorcing our exes. I was about to retire from a career which was probably as lucrative as OP's DH. My wife has her own career which she loves and will probably continue well into retirement. But she came away from her divorce with almost nothing.

She has three kids with her ex, now adult, all with long term partners and all earning. I have two kids with my ex, adult but still in higher education.

Whilst I have been generous in helping my wife get back on her feet financially, I do feel an obligation to my children not to share their inheritance with three other children. So, for example, we hold our (very comfortable) house in unequal shares, and while we have joint accounts which result in us paying all bills (mostly funded by me) we also have separate bank accounts for our own personal finances.

We are both very happy with this arrangement. Savings and investments etc are open to viewing by both of us at all times.

In the circumstances I think we are both doing everything we should to be fair to our respective children in the long run.

Depends what you mean by "partner" I suppose.

It doesn't get mentioned in the "normal day to day", no. But I'm in quite a few business groups, some relevant to my profession, some random, and shareholding set up and tax benefits comes up a LOT at those meetings/conversations/groups.

And I've worked in owner led companies. Some do it, some don't.

It wouldn’t bother me at all to pay for this. We are married & we share everything so I don’t think I’d find this an issue at all.

The difference in the way classes handle this issue is interesting. I grew up upper middle class and am probably now just middle class. I wore second hand school uniform with no shame, along with most of the girls in my private girls’ school. My kids wear hand me downs with no shame and I buy good quality brands cheaply on Vinted for myself. I would be more ashamed of wearing new clothes from Primark than second hand clothes from FatFace (and happily tell people things are from Vinted or a charity shop if they compliment something I have). My friends who are working class, or grew up working class, are much less likely to shop second hand, and by cheap stuff from Primark that doesn’t last. It’s the same with other products. I buy my kids second or third or forth hand Frog bikes and my working class friends by new Apollo bikes from Halfords that break in 6 months. It’s a weird thing because they actually spend more than me, on stuff that doesn’t last.

Spread the word then. It’s very useful and you can make changes retrospectively!

Why did you become a director of the company in the first place? When you were asked, did you ask why?

We get it, you’re a high earner. You manage to shoehorn it into nearly every thread.

Aww I’m so flattered you’ve taken such an interest in me, that’s really sweet 😍

OP you are bu, you don't mind your DH paying for private school fees, first class travel etc but are now unhappy because you paid for a new car and some house building, are you saying that your wages are entirely yours to spend as you like and not contribute to the family expenses.

Op if your a director why aren’t you seeing the year end accounts and signing them? You are liable as a director so I would be seriously taking more notice of the business if I was you.

As a director you have a fiduciary duty to understand the business. Notwithstanding that, you are married and what his is yours and vice versa. Sounds like you need to do your homework on the difference between profit and take home pay also as it’s likely a mix of dividends and pay for both of you. You also will no doubt get your pension boosted by pre tax company money. I am sorry to say this but it’s time you took some personal responsibility but also it sounds like your husband works hard and you sound like an ungrateful so and so. The sooner you sit down with him and understand the household finances the better and also show a little appreciation as it sounds like you have a dream life while the rest of us basic bitches are trying to hold it together.

I can't get past being married with 3 DC and not knowing what the household income is.

School fees are £30k plus per year for London day schools and £50k plus for boarding. Three children. Thirteen years of education. It’s a lot of money.

If you are so well off premium class fights ertc and can afford to send three children to private schools
.Why are buying second hand school uniform?

Yes, I know school uniforms are really expensive and children grow out of them really quickly. And of course. it is entirely your business.

It was fully dishonest and intentional. He owes you money. What else is he lying about? You need complete access to seeing all of his funds, income and outgo. I don't trust someone who hides money from their spouse because it usually means they want to, or are already, spending money on things or people the spouse wouldn't approve of, if they knew.

Self employed here, I don’t know what we earn until the Accountant does the wash up at the end of the financial year.

obviously I know the business accounts are paid for and have savings, but to the exact amount not until later.

I've been on the side that something in the OP's posts don't quite add up, but I have three DCs all London private educated and I don't know anyone, no matter how ridiculously wealthy, who didn't buy second hand uniform. I've seen K&C mums nearly come to blows at the uniform sale.

This is concerning. All money in marriage is joint. It’s not ‘his / hers’ it’s ‘ours’ - all income into one pot and all expenses come from this pot with some personal no questions asked spending money.