Unsettled with DH’s disclosure of income

[ParisianLady]

I will firstly acknowledge that this is a good problem to have but it has been on my mind. I know I might get flamed but I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this.

Essentially I asked my DH the other day what he earned/made last year, and the answer was much higher than I expected. He doesn’t even know the exact number and went off to find out.

We have a really very nice life, 3 kids at private school, lovely house, lovely holidays where we fly premium or business, parties for friends and no money worries. I grew up in a more modest environment so this is wonderful and I know how lucky we are.

I work full time in a really stressful job for my own enjoyment but it is well paid and I enjoy having my ‘own’ money and sense of achievement. I do the usual frugal and sensible things like buy second hand school uniform, buy big packets of meat and split them, put the dishwasher on at night on the cheaper rate, shop of bargains. But I will fairly spend freely on things we need or just want.

My DH recently asked if I could pay for some building work, and when we needed a new car I bought it myself (and was proud and happy to do that). He’s generous but it felt fair for me to pay for these things myself.

Somehow if feels a dishonest by omission of him not to have said what his business was making. I knew it was successful but am just shocked. Not that it materially changes our nice life but why did I pay for the building work for example?

He isn’t hiding anything, he just didn’t think it was worth mentioning and I didn’t ask. But it just doesn’t sit right. Does anyone have any advice apart from ‘talk to him about it’. It’s made me re-evaluate lots of our recent decisions

My DH meets them, it’s during work hours and I’m at work so can’t attend. He has much more flexibility than I do.

I joined the end of recent one so caught the section that covered my money but not the business one or his, I will ask if I can do that next time.

They send me a paper version out of my annual summary, I specifically ask for that. I suppose I haven’t liked the lack of clarity for some time, and this conversation has made that clear. I do feel vulnerable that I don’t know as much as I should.

This.

I would advice against the 'you both earn, you both contribute, what's the problem approach?' We have seen enough MNers have this approach to their detriment (myself included) when things go sour especially as he is a business owner.

• Have the discussion.
• Both of you should contribute proportionally to your earnings
• Know more about his business and have access to the financial records and know the accounts
• If the above re: knowing more/having access to his business does not happen/he does not agree etc. Start getting things sorted to protect yourself JIC but we hope it never happens.

YANBU. By the sounds of it you didn’t feel the need to pay close attention because you know that between your husband and wealth manager your joint finances are being handled by people you trust, who would bring any problems to your attention. You had an idea in your head about what the numbers were, but now finding out how much the real figures exceed that has highlighted to you how far off the ball you’ve allowed yourself to become. I can understand why that would be unsettling.

Your husband hasn’t done anything wrong, and tbf I don’t get the impression that you think he has either. You’ve always been able to give your attention to this, but haven’t. Make sure to keep yourself informed going forward.

Do you?

If you’re a director of the company but don’t know what’s going on then legally you are not fulfilling your duties as a director. Two of my friends have really come a cropper in this situation. No doubt there’s nothing untoward but yes, you need to sharpen up, starting with attending board meetings and wealth manager meetings. Good luck 😊

So do you have no joint funds under their management at all? If you do, and they're meeting with only one of you, I'd question their professionalism and legal compliance.

And most high earners I know have enough flexibility in their working hours to make a biannual meeting, or at least be looped in on zoom. I know my husband does and I did when I was working. Also, adding that ours have always been happy to meet with us outside of working hours. They make a very nice percentage managing our money, so I think it's odd that yours haven't offered.

The OP earned £400k on her own last year.

Shes not standing in rags eeking out yellow label
mince with lentils.

I totally get how you got to this position. When money isn’t an issue you just don’t need to discuss it in the same way.

Maybe you spend most of your incomes, but if you are accumulating a decent level of savings you really should get a financial advisor who can help you jointly plan financially. OH and I only really shared our income levels when we did this as Mooney had never been an issue although we must have done for mortgage purposes.

Sorry just seen you have a wealth manager and are a director in the business. You really should be taking more interest. How do you not know what financial position is of a business you are a director of? Do you not review the accounts before they are signed off? This will also include the pay for the highest paid director who is presumably your DH.

I couldn't live this way.* Knowledge is power, and to not know what money was coming into the house would really bother me, even if we'd been minted.

I was about to say that it's really important for both of you to be aware of the details of your finances, in case one of you dies, in which case it would be a nightmare trying to find where the money is. But if you have an accountant and a wealth manager, I suppose that would be their job in a worst case scenario.

*Though I'm sure if cope with the business class flights. Seriously... my dream.

It’s in the business, not the house.

I mean is he that generous that you have to buy your own car yet you have three kids at private school and he’s happy to fly business??

that doesn’t sit right with me. Be grateful by all means for having a nice life but if he can afford those things for his kids / family im
a buy shocked you are buying second hand etc.. it’s not very balanced and I suspect it’s set off your spidey senses.

You are married with kids - you should both know income and outgoings and decide together on a monthly budget. It sounds like you don’t have any structure in place financially which is not unreasonable.. I’d be nervous if I knew so little and there was no proper plan behind our spending.

To add - if you are a director you really should know these things and be actively involved or it’s technically fraudulent!

I am actually a director of the business

Sorry to say it like this, but how can you call yourself a director of the business and not have clear visibility of the business' finances.

do you and your DH not realise you have a legal obligation to know important information about the business.?

ETA cross-posted with @babyproblems

You may need to read a few more posts. OP isn’t short of money by any stretch.

Well at.least you.now realise you need to be more informed.
A good reminder for us all...to keep tabs on things.

Have you heard the saying "look after the pennies ...".

OP is doing those things because she has a frugal mindset and is choosing to.
Not because she can't afford to do anything else.

We have separate finances, but both put a healthy and proportionate to income chunk into joint accounts which covers our whole shared life.

We have separate savings and investment risk appetites, and although I sometimes discuss these with my husband and we know each others' totals, I'd tell him to butt out if he tried to tell me how to invest and queried how I was running my business.

Where did OP say about earning £400k? Was it on another thread? Asking for a friend👀

I don't know what I earn - it's a combination of PAYE salary from 2 companies, directors fees, bonuses, dividends. It all goes into a spreadsheet which also covers expenditure and planning.

The income numbers are irrelevant as long as the sums all balance and my long term plan is on track.

She commented that she paid £180k in tax last year on a different thread. That equates to a £400k income.

Surely he would know for tax reasons?

But you've never asked or looked at what the joint income is? Have you got seperate accounts/savings? Reading the post you have plenty of money and that's not a bad thing. Just seems odd the gross and the net aren't discussed.

It is money THEIR COMPANY has made. Not her DH’s income.

@ParisianLady I think you should know a lot more about his finances and how it might impact you and your kids. There are many ways for his business to provide a large income without necessarily paying himself a large salary. Is the business solvent? What debts and loans (secured and unsecured) does the business have? Does he pay into a pension for himself? Does he have the type of insurance to cover for him being unable to work or run the business for - lets say 6 months?

Did he have the business before you met? Is this a 2nd marriage? I can't understand why you aren't fully in the picture.