Unsettled with DH’s disclosure of income

[ParisianLady]

I will firstly acknowledge that this is a good problem to have but it has been on my mind. I know I might get flamed but I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this.

Essentially I asked my DH the other day what he earned/made last year, and the answer was much higher than I expected. He doesn’t even know the exact number and went off to find out.

We have a really very nice life, 3 kids at private school, lovely house, lovely holidays where we fly premium or business, parties for friends and no money worries. I grew up in a more modest environment so this is wonderful and I know how lucky we are.

I work full time in a really stressful job for my own enjoyment but it is well paid and I enjoy having my ‘own’ money and sense of achievement. I do the usual frugal and sensible things like buy second hand school uniform, buy big packets of meat and split them, put the dishwasher on at night on the cheaper rate, shop of bargains. But I will fairly spend freely on things we need or just want.

My DH recently asked if I could pay for some building work, and when we needed a new car I bought it myself (and was proud and happy to do that). He’s generous but it felt fair for me to pay for these things myself.

Somehow if feels a dishonest by omission of him not to have said what his business was making. I knew it was successful but am just shocked. Not that it materially changes our nice life but why did I pay for the building work for example?

He isn’t hiding anything, he just didn’t think it was worth mentioning and I didn’t ask. But it just doesn’t sit right. Does anyone have any advice apart from ‘talk to him about it’. It’s made me re-evaluate lots of our recent decisions

Can you indicate what sort of business/work you both do, without being outing? I am curious, and I wanna earn lots of money too!!!

I don't really get it OP, you make a decent amount of money, he pays for all school fees and holidays but you don't want to spend your money on building work or a new car. So what is happening with your money? What's the point of it?

On this OP can it be because he comes from a well off background and sees money differently than you do?
I am also wondering why don’t you combine your salaries? Not judging just wondering.

This is literally the most first world problem ever posted on mumsnet, surely 🤔

Are second hand uniforms plentiful OP?

The reason I ask is because at our local comp good quality second hand uniform is like gold dust. Most is well worn after a year of use.

Every year it saddens me to see the local charity shop advertise its stash being put out and the happy parents on Facebook who manage to rush straight there and snapp up all the good stuff, with barely anything left by the weekend. Most of these parents I recognise as duel income with one parent part time or a SAHM happily doing their bit for the environment, not the parents in the breadline struggling to get by who, it could be argued, need it more.

Similarly, too good to go, etc, gets snapped up incredibly quickly and food banks are overstretched so give out 3 days food max. Sitting at Costa one day in comes the local 2 posh cars, high duel income family for the free food bag, enjoying the bargain, rather than leaving it for someone who is struggling for food.

Completely off the point, but I would never run the dishwasher (or tumble dryer) while we were asleep or out of the house, too much of a fire risk!

My wife doesn’t know what I earn exactly (although it’s freely available online but not investment income) and I know a rough ballpark of what she earns. We do the business class, nice house and nice cars thing too. So very surprised you didn’t even peg that he earned a decent amount. It sounds like you resent having to pay as he could’ve paid easily.

People who are struggling for food do not send their children to private school.

I think private schools often have swap shops.

Especially when items like blazers and boaters can get little muse and be well cared for.

Some kids even see it as a badge of honour that their uniforms are generational.

You want OP to leave second hand private school uniform for those who are struggling to buy food? Did you think through your points before commenting?

@mmmarmalade

I think you should know a lot more about his finances - agree and I’ve taken steps today to sort this. Again, he doesn’t hide things, I just haven’t asked.

Is the business solvent? - yes, very much so

What debts and loans does the business have? - none

Does he pay into a pension for himself? - yes, to max amounts, and into mine to top up.

Insurance to cover for him being unable to work or run the business: yes, and life insurance but there is enough money that this isn’t needed. He could stop earning today and we’d not run out of money.

Did he have the business before you met? - no, set up when we were together with my support.

Is this a 2nd marriage? - no

I can't understand why you aren't fully in the picture - because I’ve never really asked. He told me total savings across business and personal when I asked recently, but I haven’t asked specifically on earnings until last week.

I’ve been passive, which isn’t like me. At work I’m capable and strong, I just haven’t translated that to personal finances. I’ve trusted others to sort it without paying much attention.

There are only me and him as Directors, no employees or Board etc. No outgoings. The equivalent would be (it is not this but as an example) that he’s a partner in a law firm and ‘the business’ is his limited company linked to that.

As a side note I went crazy today and bought three BRAD NEW items of school uniform (although one is not branded and heavily discounted from EBay)
🙂

The profit isn’t relevant as it will stay in the Ltd company to be taxed as corporation tax and re-invested, what matters is the salary he pays himself, dividends and pension contributions - presumably you know that.

This comment “although one is not branded and heavily discounted from EBay” seems to be strangely antagonistic, almost as if you are trying to get a rise out of other posters. It certainly doesn’t add to the credibility of this story.

@andweallsingalong Yes, plentiful, the second had shops are full of it (one at each school). Bursaries are up to 110% to cover the cost of extras such as trips and uniforms, but irrespective, I’m not taking second hand uniform from someone who couldn’t afford the new stuff.

This isn't going to be relevant at a private school. People really are desperate to have a pop at op 🙄

At ours, the second hand uniform shop is run by parents. Everyone donates all their old uniform to it (assuming decent condition) and almost everyone buys from it. The money raised goes to charity. Win win. I'm really surprised that so many people find this odd or have an issue with it. It's totally normal as many people have explained.

My DH is a high earner and is also a bit vague about his earnings. He's not self employed but pay is awarded through a few different routes, including stocks and overseas income, so he doesn't have a figure in his head like a monthly salary and has to look it up.

He earns far more than me and has never asked me to contribute to household or improvement costs. It would probably be fair enough for him to, but really all costs can be covered by his income so he's not been bothered. I don't think that's too unusual in high earning households where the contribution from one person is a drop in the ocean - splitting costs proportionally feels more effort than it's worth.

OP - "It’s hard to explain but the money in his Ltd company is free from all costs although yes I’d assume he’d pay tax to draw it an an income."

and @WheretheFishesareFrightening Not jealous. My life sounds quite similar to the OP's, tbh. But I've been around enough HNWIs to know what steps are taken to minimise tax, particularly when it comes to limited companies.

This is why a lot of people argue that a wealth tax (for those with very high earnings or asset levels) won't work - there are enough ways around it. Ask any accountant or wealth manager...

Yes, I thought several times about posting given private school is so different to public.

I considered students on a bursary or full scholarship as well as the influx of people on Mumsnet talking about a change of circumstances, but still wanting to scrape the funds together for private school so as not to disrupt their children's education, despite being unavailable to afford it.

I then quantified it by asking if they had an abundance of uniform available.

The point about food was a separate observation that the same well off people often appear to snap up free food.

It's something I've toyed with for a while. Is it ethical to be green and avoid waste whilst taking good quality food and goods that others who are less fortunate would want and gain greater benefit from.

@andweallsingalong I absolutely see your point and it is a consideration.

I am mindful of this, for example with discounted yellow sticker items, or I would never take free fruit for kids at the supermarket, or free old books at the library, I leave them for others. Or, if I’m eligible via age in the future I wouldn’t ever claim a free bus pass or take a fuel discount. I didn’t claim free childcare hours etc, it didn’t feel ethical.

I used to buy second hand books but someone pointed out that the authors don’t get royalties. So now I’m more conflicted.

It’s never as simple as it seems on the surface sadly, all decisions have negative consequences somewhere.

Accounting is incredibly dull OP, I'm not surprised you haven't taken a lively interest! As long as things are ticking along nicely, all good 🌞

absolutely this.

he will no doubt want to retain funds in his business for expansion/low work times etc.

I don’t see why OP would be upset by any of this and like she said, she was proud to do it, that hasn’t changed.

OP. You are a strong, capable working woman.

Do not be a doormat here, you need to know how much he earns and have access to that information. This isn't about anything but transparency. My husband earns a good amount and I know exactly how much.

We all like to think they would never leave but you have a duty for yourself and your kids to know JUST IN CASE

read the room.

@Nurseposter123 Oh absolutely agree.

Part of the reason I work is that if my DH does ever ditch me for a younger model I would be able to support myself (Nothing currently suggests that this is happening but it’s possible and I have low opinion of myself so in my mind it’s more likely than not, I’m almost surprised he hasn’t already!)

You’re a director of this business and you don’t know how much money it makes. 🤦🏽‍♀️

Do you have any idea about directors’ duties and potential liabilities?

You (and anyone else contemplating becoming a director of a UK company) need to take legal advice on this.