Unsettled with DH’s disclosure of income

[ParisianLady]

I will firstly acknowledge that this is a good problem to have but it has been on my mind. I know I might get flamed but I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this.

Essentially I asked my DH the other day what he earned/made last year, and the answer was much higher than I expected. He doesn’t even know the exact number and went off to find out.

We have a really very nice life, 3 kids at private school, lovely house, lovely holidays where we fly premium or business, parties for friends and no money worries. I grew up in a more modest environment so this is wonderful and I know how lucky we are.

I work full time in a really stressful job for my own enjoyment but it is well paid and I enjoy having my ‘own’ money and sense of achievement. I do the usual frugal and sensible things like buy second hand school uniform, buy big packets of meat and split them, put the dishwasher on at night on the cheaper rate, shop of bargains. But I will fairly spend freely on things we need or just want.

My DH recently asked if I could pay for some building work, and when we needed a new car I bought it myself (and was proud and happy to do that). He’s generous but it felt fair for me to pay for these things myself.

Somehow if feels a dishonest by omission of him not to have said what his business was making. I knew it was successful but am just shocked. Not that it materially changes our nice life but why did I pay for the building work for example?

He isn’t hiding anything, he just didn’t think it was worth mentioning and I didn’t ask. But it just doesn’t sit right. Does anyone have any advice apart from ‘talk to him about it’. It’s made me re-evaluate lots of our recent decisions

Unsettled about what? That he has more money than the loads you seem to earn yourself?

I'd love if that's what unsettled me about life.

Did the huge house, kids in private school, you not needing to work etc not serve as any sort of a clue as to how much he might have been making?

Failing to see any sort of an issue here. You're just looking for problems where there are none.

The reason you're feeling unsettled is because he asked you to pay for somethign when he had plenty of funds to do so. The chances are, based on what you've said, he did sort of think about it and realised taht as your earnings had already been taxed, it made sense to use your surplus to pay for building work vs taking out of the business and paying that tax (which, if you're a director any dividends have to be paid equally - proportionally - to all directors), and because money is not an issue for you as a family, he didn't give it any more thought than a passing "this is a more tax efficient process".

But i do actually get why you are uncomfortable. This is a comms issue though, I suspect, not a true issue.

This is a really weird thread. World's tiniest violin for you, OP - you and your husband are obviously extremely well off, to the point you don't particularly notice how much money is being made, while your very good lifestyle is all taken care of. And yet there still seems to be an attitude of 'his money, my money' - why is that?

And unless you are worried that he's squirrelling away or funding something else without your knowledge - which it doesn't sound like he is - is this really anything other than a lack of your own awareness?

Find all the posters saying 'and you make your kids wear second hand clothes?!' ridiculous. Much better for the environment to wear second hand. Just because you're rich doesn't mean you have to constantly buy new stuff. In fact, all the coolest teens I know (who are all from pretty affluent families!) all wear vintage and vinted - they love it.

Far more questionable is the fact that the OP is basically holding her hands up to minimising tax liability. 🙄 I get that masses of businesses and wealthy individuals do this - but come on, OP! The NHS is on its knees, state education ain't much better, and thousands of kids in the UK are living in poverty. Pay your fucking taxes, and come back when you have some real problems...

As soon as you asked him he told you, so this seems like a total non issue. I don’t really understand what you want?

“Sometimes it’s only Ryanair to Italy”

Must be dreadful when the diamond shoes give you blisters too.

Honestly, OP, read the room.

@Bingalinguist

How am I minimising tax liability that’s a huge leap out of nothing? All
my earnings are PAYE, there is no dodge. My DH has a legitimate business and pays all proper tax, there is no dodging or odd schemes. I wouldn’t stand for it, not at all. Yes we have lots of money (more than I thought) but that doesn’t make us bad people.

How can you not know? You need to know when you file your taxes.

Also, it seems like he pays for everything and you buy everything you want.

Having you pay for the renovations is purely for demonstration purposes. But I would be checking the house deed is in your name and not just held in a trust. Because in the event of death or divorce you are unlikely to recover that money.

How can you not know how much private school costs in respect to your husband’s after tax income?

Also, it’s common to purchase used private school uniforms. There is often a stigma with having brand new uniforms in the old private schools in England because it signifies “new money”. In some cases children will wear hand me downs from their parents or older relatives as it signifies “old money” or the aristocracy.

Since you seem to have no idea about the business earnings, it's a bit rich to say you wouldn't stand for tax dodging. How would you know?

Not saying he is, just that what you're saying doesn't match how little you seem to actually know.

This is something I can possibly explain.

We are in a similar position to OP. I buy second hand school uniform (it’s very common).

My daughter constantly has ladders in her tights, bits of kit missing, something spilled down her shirt (she has ADHD which makes it a lot trickier). She DOES NOT CARE. I’m sort of used to it now - it’s not for lack of ability to buy new tights etc (she’s a teenager not a small child).

My mum grew up in extreme poverty. Daughter once went to her house with a hole in her leggings straight from the stables - totally fine, she wasn’t phased, I wasn’t even aware. My mum took her to the shops (this was years ago, she was much younger) to buy new leggings rather than take her out with a hole in hers - she had loads at home without holes, the hole had just happened. My mum couldn’t bear the thought of my daughter wearing clothes with holes and I suspect she would feel the same about second hand etc. It comes from the way she was looked down on for having hand-me-downs, shoes with holes in the bottom for school etc and being embarrassed by the poverty she was living in.

My daughter has grown up with lots of money, it wouldn’t even occur to her that she might be judged for her clothes, or having a hole in something or being scruffy straight from the stables.

I think that’s the difference - not being able to afford new is really different to being able to afford something, everyone knowing you can afford something, but just choosing not to.

It has only been since having my whirlwind of mess and holes that I have realised how much my mum’s upbringing has impacted her. It’s really sad.

I don't buy second hand clothes other than uniform but after years of frustration that yet another brand new top was ruined within ten minutes of being put on, I do buy almost her entire wardrobe from Primark, and I then don’t care what happens to it.

Her and her (also very well off) friends also love a Primark trip. When I was younger (and I grew up without the money we have now), people were teased for shopping at Aldi and Primark etc. We do almost all of our shopping at Aldi and she is normally top to toe Primark and very open about it.

If you have a wealth manager, as you say do you both have at least bi annual meetings with them? That should mean that you understand the current finances and what future plans look like?

I’m gonna go against the grain here and say if he’s made a lot more and let you foot the bill for stuff that’s a bit shitty. I’m self employed and my income varies, DH makes way more than me now but the wasn’t the case a few years ago. I wouldn’t have had him paying for stuff like you described when I was making more and now he makes so much more I don’t imagine him making me spend more.

This is a non issue. Just sit back and enjoy your life.

As a director you have access to everything anyway.

Possibly you are surprised because he is doing super well and you’d have expected him to mention that crucial success to you and since he didn’t now you might be wondering why?

As couples do tend to talk about such things - at least he offered the info up when u asked

Sometimes having a lot of money causes problems. Because then it becomes who pays for what or who spends what amount. There isn't an easy answer. Maybe you need to total up the outgoings of your household. Sometimes they are a lot more than you think.

You feel wierd as he isn’t treating it as family money - you are buying second hand, splitting packs of meat being frugal buying your own car and paying for construction while he sits on his pot of gold. Your instinct is telling you this is a situation where you could be taken advantage of.

There’s not a single comment by the OP that implies she or her DH are even doing things in the most efficient way possible - much less that they’re avoiding tax.

Take your jealousy elsewhere.

And there we jump the shark.

Why do I spend time invested in these threads only to discover it's a massive wind up.

Ugh

Bizarre thread. It's not as though you're being asked to pay for things when you don't have a pot to piss in - you're a high earner in your own right, no one is making you be frugal.

3 kids in private school, business class holidays...unless you're about to tell us he's drawing tens of millions a year from his business then I'm struggling to understand what figure could possibly be so surprising to you given the lifestyle you are maintaining

“We have a really very nice life, 3 kids at private school, lovely house, lovely holidays where we fly premium or business, parties for friends and no money worries. I grew up in a more modest environment so this is wonderful and I know how lucky we are.”

This is the most incredible, faux naive stealth boast I have EVER seen. Bravo OP! 👏🏻

If he asked you to pay for building work why didnt you ask him why? Why dont you have the money for that, what do you spend all your money on if you can't afford the building work?

Stupid is as stupid does!

I struggle believing a high earner doesn’t understand the difference between profit and earnings, and a directors salary or dividends.

it does make me cock an eyebrow when someone posts a thread like this and makes if abundantly clear they don’t even understand basic business terms.

OP can clearly buy anything she wants and has access to plenty of money, so the fact that the money is in her DH's account, rather than her own is irrelevant really. It would be different if she had to modify her own lifestyle whilst paying more than her fair share.

OP’s room, you mean? Given that this is her thread?

That's what I was wondering.

We meet with ours 2-3 times a year and go through our investments, his strategy and thinking and any changes, planning for retirement, discussing the balance of long term investments vs quickly liquidateable, etc. The meetings are with both of us and extremely detailed. It seems really strange that yours doesn't do that.