Unsettled with DH’s disclosure of income

[ParisianLady]

I will firstly acknowledge that this is a good problem to have but it has been on my mind. I know I might get flamed but I can’t talk to anyone in real life about this.

Essentially I asked my DH the other day what he earned/made last year, and the answer was much higher than I expected. He doesn’t even know the exact number and went off to find out.

We have a really very nice life, 3 kids at private school, lovely house, lovely holidays where we fly premium or business, parties for friends and no money worries. I grew up in a more modest environment so this is wonderful and I know how lucky we are.

I work full time in a really stressful job for my own enjoyment but it is well paid and I enjoy having my ‘own’ money and sense of achievement. I do the usual frugal and sensible things like buy second hand school uniform, buy big packets of meat and split them, put the dishwasher on at night on the cheaper rate, shop of bargains. But I will fairly spend freely on things we need or just want.

My DH recently asked if I could pay for some building work, and when we needed a new car I bought it myself (and was proud and happy to do that). He’s generous but it felt fair for me to pay for these things myself.

Somehow if feels a dishonest by omission of him not to have said what his business was making. I knew it was successful but am just shocked. Not that it materially changes our nice life but why did I pay for the building work for example?

He isn’t hiding anything, he just didn’t think it was worth mentioning and I didn’t ask. But it just doesn’t sit right. Does anyone have any advice apart from ‘talk to him about it’. It’s made me re-evaluate lots of our recent decisions

Lots of questions:

• pension: yes he has a very large one and has kindly topped mine up too, although mine is smaller than his and I add to it
• It’s hard to explain but the money in his Ltd company is free from all costs although yes I’d assume he’d pay tax to draw it an an income
• I don’t mind paying for the building work and car. I can see that cash in the bank and cash flow are different.
• It is definitely ‘our money’ just that most of it is clearly not sitting in our joint account. We have an accountant and wealth manager etc
• i am actually a director of the business
• i promise not a stealth boast, a lesson for me in not asking questions and assuming.

prompted by you all I’ve looked up the latest accounts on company’s house and can see assets etc.

I will speak to him about how I can feel more involved, and might sit in on the financial meetings if I’m able.

It isn’t joint money if you didn’t know it existed.

The fact that you and your DH don’t talk about these things is concerning. Why did he feel the need to keep quiet about it?

Digression but I’m intrigued - as a matter of interest do you wear secondhand clothes yourself?

I think when there is a lot of money it is easy not to question either person has to their income . Especially when a business is involved. Even her DH didn't know exactly and had to look . But until end of year accounts are done , he might not know how much tax , etc . is owed so has to set aside a sum for that .
It is a different matter when both have an average salary and need to budget to allow for extras , like holidays , etc.

This ^ 😄

Also - as others have said - what his business is earning isn't necessarily what he takes home. Depends how he draws money down from that business

Ever heard of a joint account..

Sounds like a stealth boast.. can’t see what your problem is

This is completely normal. There are multi-millionaires at my kids' school buying from the second hand shop- 1) it's greener, and 2) you don't get rich by throwing money in the bin.

Completely off topic I know but are you seriously saying that though you obviously have more than enough money, you make your kids wear second hand clothes? I'm on severely low income and I wouldn't ever make my child wear second hand stuff. I grew up in hand me downs and I wouldn't make my kid do that. Prepared to be flamed I know 😅

Your experiences are so far removed from anything I know, that I can’t comprehend how it all works.

No, this is completely normal. Branded private school uniform items are really expensive new but they do seem to be pretty well-made on the whole, and because children tend to have more overall items than a typical state school (e.g. totally distinct summer and winter uniform items) they often don't have as much wear. My nephews are in a prep school which prescribes a ridiculously impractical Gloverall wool duffle coat as the mandatory winter coat, over £100 new. There must only ever be a finite number of these coats circulating in the school at any one time as everyone passes them down and literally no-one buys new unless they absolutely have to!

Sometimes, yes of course, and for the kids do too. I buy on eBay and Vinted if I want something specific that isn’t available anymore, or it’s a bargain, or for certain items where it makes sense

It is mostly new, some second hand, maybe 10 -15%

"... He pays the school fees, we split bills, holidays are mostly him but I do also pay for them sometimes..."

So he pays the private school fees for 3 children, and he pays for most of the premium class/business class holidays, AND your family is financially comfortable.

How much did you think he earned??? 😂

No flaming here but I have no problem believing OP on this. This is one of those weird quirks of the British class system. Richer people are much more likely to wear second-hand even if they could afford to buy new.

Fairness is about percentages when there's differences in income.
Why would you pay more than you have to?
That's imbalanced.

I don’t make them, they are happy to for uniform and some other items like something for a fancy party or particular occasion that they wouldn’t wear again. Or a certain item that isn’t available new. My eldest daughter loves to eBay shop.

When they were younger lots of their clothes were second hand. I pass it down between my kids and then if it’s decent I pass onto friends or family or donate to charity.

Now they are teenagers and pre-teens most of their casual clothes are new.

I would feel so so unsettled unless I knew all of our household finances, bar 'fun money'. How can you plan for anything? How do you know how much you are saving/how much is going into pensions/whether you can afford a particular holiday or a rise in school fees?

Going forwards, I would have regular financial check ins with each other. You're a partnership - what if he left tomorrow? Don't you want to know everything?

My half sister had this sort of life a few years ago, kids in private school, spent all day at David Lloyd and her DH had his own business up until both boys were about 11. Afaik she didn’t plan to work but think was bursar at the private school. Over covid his business died down a lot, she had to go to work and she now sells luxe holidays. Does well at it. Should do too as they had many of these holidays over the years!

I’m sure they save and had spare money (I never asked) but she could spend money and likes designer homeware (think Versace etc).

If you are a director of the business then you absolutely should know the financial position, it's negligence not to!

I’m a bit shocked by the second hand uniform too, though I guess it’s sensible.

Buried her head in the sand?

Ooh, just seen you're a director of his business. You have a responsibility in that case to know and understand the finances of the business. Financial literacy is not optional for a director - I believe you're legally responsible for ensuring solvency. So that's a good excuse to be more involved going forwards.

I don't have any problems believing this, either.

I was forced to wear clothes from the charity shops when I was a kid because my mother simply didn't believe clothes were important. Particularly clothes that get outgrown or ruined by children. It did have an effect on me because I was teased for it. So, while my children had a lot of used clothing, I was always careful to ask if that was OK with them - once they reached an age where they cared, they got the branded trainers and stuff they liked. Luckily, my three sons don't much care. It could have been different if I'd had a daughter.

But I also think used clothes are better, now. There's so much cheap fast fashion that charity shops are choking under piles of donations. People are less conformists, as well. When I was a kid, dressing differently was really looked at as a bad thing. Now, they're all doing nerdy, emo, goth, etc stuff and it's no big deal.

DH doesn’t have a clue what he earns, as I deal with our finances. But we have relatively low outgoings for our household income, we aren’t really spenders, so don’t really need a conversation about the f we can afford something.

his nhs wave goes in the joint account, as does mine. I put money in our savings equally and then the dividend from our company. I sort all the tax, bills etc.

I don’t know why everyone is so shocked at the second hand uniform thing. It’s exactly the same in my DS’ school. It’s a private school but bar their first uniform, everyone goes to the Nearly New Shop. Constantly buying new uniform would be seen as terribly nouveau riche 😆