Uncomfortable situation involving adult child's partner

[TenTenTenAgain]

My adult son has been with his gf for 4 years. She is from another country and is here on a student visa. They live together.

I've met her 3 times in 4 years , she is always invited to family gatherings but frequently refuses for various reasons. I feel like I don't know her and only recently learned her real name , she uses an English name due to pronunciation issues. The last time I saw her she was very rude , she shamed my son and mocked him about his job. He works ft and earns an average wage for a young man of his age.

They've asked me to sign a letter stating that they live together as a married couple for her new visa , as she's no longer a student. And put pressure on me to do so within a few hours. I said that I needed more information and asked her some questions , the last one of which was about how she sees the future with my son. She didn't respond and apparently phoned my son shouting about me being rude and throwing accusations at her. She then blocked me on social media.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

I'm confused and concerned. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

Definitely do not sign the letter Op. Also if you think she is now here illegally as no longer a student report her to the home office.

I can’t actually see where she’s been rude to you directly? You are not owed a relationship with your son’s partner, nor are you allowed to meddle in his choices. You can point out that he shouldn’t have to hear mean and mocking things from her, but some couples do speak to each other like that (wouldn’t be for me). It’s also not fair to blame her for him choosing to miss his brother’s birthday.

From her perspective, she in applying to stay in a country that is increasingly viciously hostile to immigrants. Then her partner’s mother is acting like she’s the Home Office, interrogating her on her intentions towards her son. I would have stopped answering you too.

She can wave goodbye to any future relationship with her son if she does anything as despicable as reporting his partner to the Home Office out of spite for her not coming round for Sunday roast and saying a mean thing about OP’s job.

I know it’s a cliche but I’m reminded all the time that people in this country would be such keen lickspittles for a dictatorship.

He's an adult. It's none of your business. Sign it and smile.

I agree with you. If you are signing a document to enable her to get a visa on the strength of the relationship, you need to satisfy yourself that this relationship is at least seemingly stable. It doesn't sound like it is.

And the GF is not owed a relationship with the OP which includes asking the OP to provide misleading information on a legal document - it works both ways.

I wouldn’t be signing anything stating that they live together “as a married couple” when they’re not married, you could probably get into a lot of trouble for that considering it’s concerning a visa application?!

IDasIX
What a stupid comment that is! A lot of the comments on here are really strange - if you are being asked to sign something that you think is not true, why on earth can you not ask some questions? Not interrogating but asking questions like a normal person would do! Her reaction tells you something is not right . Her son said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened - i suspect he is a bit bothered by her reaction as well!!!

“You are not owed” cuts both ways. You seem to think this girlfriend is owed a visa.

I don’t know about you but I’ve never slept with my flatmates, so a couple living together for me would be seen as married.

didnt you read about the angry fit she threw when asked 1 perfectly reasonable question

Just because you know all the details of your children’s sex lives, doesn’t mean OP does.

Wow.
Stop projecting and making up narrative.
The OP was asked to lie, she refused.

I worked with someone like this

She grew up in a household where there was servants to do her every wish and anyone who wasn’t on the same level as her would be treated like a servant.
If a “servant” didn’t do as they were told she threw an angry fit

Does this sound like her?

Yes i did see and that is my point - her reaction is not normal! Which rings alarm bells when you read the post along with other things.

What narrative did I make up? Where did I project?

If you look very closely, you'll even see that I said while this might not be OP's version, it's easy to paint the picture, ie it could easily be interpreted by son and his gf as being the case.

Perhaps you should use a little more discernment and critical thinking.

You're pretty naive. Loads of people have slept with their flatmates. After uni, I was in a flat with one guy and 3 women, one was his current girlfriend and the rest of us had slept with him previously. None of us would be seen 'as married', except by you apparently. Regardless, you're wilfully missing the bigger picture.

The problem is if you sign the letter and the immigration department decides to interview you, then not knowing anything about her will come out and then you are in trouble.

I’ve not read all of the comments, but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP. It was a bit rich of her in the first place to assume you’d sign something you believe was embellished and when she’s not actually acting as part of your family in that you’ve only met her 3 times in 4 years and she doesn’t come to your family events etc.

I’m quite surprised at the number of people who have said they would just have signed the letter. But then I’m not a scammer and a cheater and as I’ve got older I’ve realised how many are.

I would be concerned about an abusive relationship in this situation too OP. Clearly it’s not normal to see your son as regularly as you do and to have only met his gf 3 times in 4 years. I don’t have any advice as to how to deal with that though, if it were me I’d be having to try and find organisations or charities for that situation to see if I could get a bit of an idea as to how to monitor the situation.

I wouldn’t be concerned with the gfs visa, if she believes she’s entitled to one she’ll be able to satisfy the criteria another way.

Won’t be much smiling if immigration decide to take a closer look at the application.

Will flipping shit at someone your asking to help you guarantee cooperation?

True.

Wonder where she's from.

Poor OP.

I hope your ds will see reason and break up with her.

From her perspective, she in applying to stay in a country that is increasingly viciously hostile to immigrants.
It's the girl who wants something from OP not the other way round. It's the girl who has been hostile to OP, not the other way round. How embarrassing to start shouting like fish wife at your potential future MIL when OP tried to have a civilised conversation about the lies they expected her to tell the immigration office. The OP's son's 'gf' is an embarrassment.

Im not being naive, if you’ve been with someone for 4 years and live together, that’s not “like flatmates”.

Now, you're the type of MIL who will create obstacles when you don't get to interfere in their lives. Now, you're the MIL who has actively acted to block them being together. Now, you're the MIL who didn't want to help. The person she won't want to be around. The reason for her to avoid his family even more.

Where did you get that from the OP's posts? I didn't read that into her replies.
We don't even know what she asked the GF, and she was asked to lie

I was being asked to agree that she had regularly attended family functions and that she was seen as part of the family.

This simply wasn't true.