Uncomfortable situation involving adult child's partner

[TenTenTenAgain]

My adult son has been with his gf for 4 years. She is from another country and is here on a student visa. They live together.

I've met her 3 times in 4 years , she is always invited to family gatherings but frequently refuses for various reasons. I feel like I don't know her and only recently learned her real name , she uses an English name due to pronunciation issues. The last time I saw her she was very rude , she shamed my son and mocked him about his job. He works ft and earns an average wage for a young man of his age.

They've asked me to sign a letter stating that they live together as a married couple for her new visa , as she's no longer a student. And put pressure on me to do so within a few hours. I said that I needed more information and asked her some questions , the last one of which was about how she sees the future with my son. She didn't respond and apparently phoned my son shouting about me being rude and throwing accusations at her. She then blocked me on social media.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

I'm confused and concerned. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

@StartingFreshFor2026 I genuinely hope that you're never in a situation where you're very worried that your child is being abused and potentially used. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

Please can we also stop assuming that a young man can't be vulnerable to this. If my daughter was in this situation everyone would be in agreement that concerns are valid.

And again , I have no power. Letters from family/friends are not seen as strong evidence when applying for a visa. Finance related paperwork and tenancy agreements are where the strength is. I've done my research and people have had visas approved with no such letters provided.

So there's no gender element to abuse situations at all? This whole "it's sexist against men, what if the roles were reversed" is sexist itself because it disregards that around 90% of perpetrators of domestic abuse are men. Anyway, didn't you say at one point you would have signed the letter if she hadn't have reacted so badly?

It's also very easy and common for immigrants to be at the wrong side of a power imbalance, ""immigration status as a tool of controlling or coercive behaviour - for example: threats to cancel permission or to not support extensions of stay" (Home Office).

This woman also seems to have some kind of anxiety problem? She's described as nervous and fragile by your son and struggles in social situations/ avoids them completely? I've met many people with serious anxiety disorders who display those exact behaviours.

She doesn't sound like a particularly empowered individual and you seem to be basing the abuse accusation on an unpleasant comment she made 2 years ago.

When did you do this research about the visa? Before or after you refused to support them? If you have no power, and it won't make any difference, just phone your son and say you'll write your own supporting letter if that's what he wants? They obviously believe it will help, or they wouldn't have asked.

@StartingFreshFor2026 we clearly disagree with one another. Let's leave it there. Enjoy the rest of your evening.

@TenTenTenAgain I realise this thread has been going on for a while, and I have only the first few pages and then your posts, but I just wanted to say I think you are doing exactly the right thing and that you seem to be a very wonderful mum for your kids. Good on you for looking out for your DS.

@Giraffeandthedog Thank you , I appreciate your comments .

This was always going to be a divisive topic and it's been interesting to see both sides.

I could not agree more with @RampantIvy that you have an agenda here.
You’ve constructed a fable about British male privilege combining with the dreaded MIL witch to tread the powerless woman immigrant underfoot.
It’s all pretty fanciful.
If I had to construct a drama on this thread, I would have ideologically committed social activist mother trying to protect her simple hearted working class son from the wiles of the rich scheming female devil, showing how a true heart and working class values triumph over the evils of capitalism.
But I’m not going to do it ‘cos this thread isn’t about fiction .
It’s about someone trying to do the right thing and looking for sensible advice. 🙂

This .... They have been living together as a couple and yig are refusing to say they are because she doesn't visit you often ??

Is your son happy? Sign the bloody thing

@SixtySomething Indeed. There have been an awful lot of assumptions made here when I've been really careful to just present facts and be honest when I haven't seen something with my own eyes.

@Maddy70 no.

The OP was asked to lie about some details, which you would know about having read all of the OP's updates.

Now please stop making up fanciful scenarios.

And she won't just write her own non embellished letter because this woman was rude.

@SixtySomething "a fable about British male privilege" 😅

I think the only person with an agenda here is OP. She clearly doesn't like the woman and sees a way to get rid. Of course the letter isn't really that important, although OP sees why they did asked for it and admitted it would "sit nicely" amongst scans of birthday cards etc.

Quite. If DD had a partner who was sullen and rude to me and I thought she was in an abusive relationship with them then neither would I.

What are the signs of this abuse?

You need to ask the OP, not me. She felt that this wasn't an equal relationship, which you would know as you have read all of the OP's posts.

Yes, there are 58 OP posts which state her concerns that her son is in an abusive relationship and she hasn't thought to offer any signs other than the mocking comments this woman made once two years ago. Which you would know if you had read all of OP's posts.

She’s being asked to lie on a legal document. Thats not a god idea.

I always find that it's good practice to step away from a thread if you find it triggering. Arguing with strangers pointlessly can't be good for your nervous system.

Who finds it triggering?

You!
It’s triggered you into a whole world of fiction, like Alice falling down the rabbit hole or Lucy stepping through the wardrobe into Narnia.
OP is in the real world , you’re in the world of make believe. Your argument can’t go anywhere. It’s time to go and do something constructive.

@SixtySomething Don't young people say something about touching grass? I think that's the correct slang here.

It’s in my vocabulary now! 🙂

@TenTenTenAgain I’ve only just seen this thread and I would have done exactly the same! If a partner doesn’t appear to make your child happy why on earth would you do anything to help the relationship. @StartingFreshFor2026 and @SoScarletItWasif my adult child had a live in partner who I had only met 3 times in 4 years I would find that alarming. When the family welcomes them which the OP did, why would they not want to make an effort to become part of the family? And asking for their future plans seems like an obvious question-would she see life in this country, her home country with her partner, it wouldn’t just be her I’d be asking the questions to. Nothing about the relationship suggests she has a genuine love for the son. Yes, it’s a one sided tale, but I’d want to be convinced and see more of her before offering my support.

You and @ThisOneLife have latterly quoted me even though I’ve not commented on the thread since page 3, when I said
Drip feeds that change the context of the OP are annoying and waste pages of replies.

I stand by what I said before all the extra detail came.

Can we really go about accusing people who disagree with us as being 'triggered' and telling them to leave a thread?

There are no facts here, there's the OP's narrative and then our various interpretations of that narrative - that's how a chat forum works?

I haven't created a "fanciful" Alice and Wonder world, I've pointed out that in the real world it would be relatively unusual for an immigrant woman with some kind of anxiety issue, unstable immigration status, and freelance work to abuse a British man with his family and a job here. It's obviously not impossible but so far the only sign of abuse is a mocking comment made two years ago. That is a reasonable interpretation from the OP's descriptions.

I don't think when people disagree or point these things out, sarcastically calling them triggered, giving mocking "support" flowers reactions when posters say they're not triggered (there's literally nothing here to trigger me, I genuinely don't understand that?!), and telling them to "touch grass" are reasonable reactions. I'm not arguing, I just think (based on the information given so far) OP did a shitty thing and I don't believe she really thinks this woman is abusive if I'm honest.

There are no facts here, there's the OP's narrative and then our various interpretations of that narrative
Exactly: a postmodern literary analysis of a text.
I think you're on your own page @StartingFreshFor2026 .
The help asked for was not literary interpretation, but about what to do for the best.
There's no point forming theories about the inner workings of OP's mind.
I'm afraid that for the thread to be constructive, we need to treat OP as a reliable witness; then things fall into place.