Uncomfortable situation involving adult child's partner

[TenTenTenAgain]

My adult son has been with his gf for 4 years. She is from another country and is here on a student visa. They live together.

I've met her 3 times in 4 years , she is always invited to family gatherings but frequently refuses for various reasons. I feel like I don't know her and only recently learned her real name , she uses an English name due to pronunciation issues. The last time I saw her she was very rude , she shamed my son and mocked him about his job. He works ft and earns an average wage for a young man of his age.

They've asked me to sign a letter stating that they live together as a married couple for her new visa , as she's no longer a student. And put pressure on me to do so within a few hours. I said that I needed more information and asked her some questions , the last one of which was about how she sees the future with my son. She didn't respond and apparently phoned my son shouting about me being rude and throwing accusations at her. She then blocked me on social media.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

I'm confused and concerned. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

I would be worried about my child in this situation and what their partner wants from it. I don’t blame you for being cautious and her response speaks volumes. You’d think they’d be chatting about the future in general conversation. Holidays planned, moving , I don’t know but more chit chatty this is us type thing. I would also be concerned that I knew so little about her. I don’t know the ins and outs about my children’s partners but I do know all the basic stuff and extra which was found through general chit chat.
I find some peoples responses on MN really bizarre sometimes.
Id just wait and always be available for your son

That's good. Hopefully they've decided not to pursue this unreasonable request.

I suppose the GF would automatically get the spousal visa if she and the son got married? Or do the same rules apply, ie the son has to have income over a certain amount and evidence to show it's not a sham marriage?

I believe the same rules apply , but I'm happy to be corrected by someone in the know.

I’m baffled by some of these comments.

Putting your signature to a document OP, you have every right to ask questions.

OP has met this girl 3 times in 4 years and this girl clearly does not want to make an effort with her boyfriend’s family and then is rude when asked questions. If my MIL to be asked me these types of questions I would happily answer and not get shitty about it.

I would be slightly concerned about this too OP and maybe speak to your son 1-1 just to get the lay of the land.

It’s not uncommon for people to have relationships, make out they are in love, move in, get married/have a baby, then once their citizenship arrives… they leave them… I literally have a friend who it happened to.

And when reflecting on what might happen if they have children , she was keeping me at a distance anyway. I've not seen her for nearly 2 years actually , so this letter issue probably wouldn't change that outcome. Also I'm not having a future event that may or may not happen influence me doing what I think is right in the present.

He knows his GF’s behaviour was wrong, he has apologised to you and you won’t sign the paperwork.
He knows his GF was out of order, he feels awkward and doesn’t want to bring it up because he’s not ready to acknowledge she isn’t right for him.
You can’t talk to him about it because it’s his life and decisions, if he brings it up I would let him know that you love him and believe in him to do what’s right for him. He will know what you mean without you saying anything against her.
I would still invite both of them to family events so gf can’t take offence or say you dislike her. Let him realise by himself that they are not suited and if he doesn’t and they have children together you haven’t shot yourself in the foot.

@SpryCat Indeed. I've left the door open for her and I'll invite them both to the next gathering. A little immature behaviour isn't going to stop me from having a relationship with my son.

The only way to handle people that push their luck is very firmly.

A few years ago a male friend of my daughter turned up on our doorstep saying that he'd had a falling out with his mum and asked if he could stay here for the night. My daughter had expressed before that she didn't trust him fully. I texted his mum and sent him on his way with a few quid to pay for a bus to his uncle's house. He didn't ask again and my daughter stopped speaking with him. He's now in trouble with the police regularly. It's important to trust your instincts in order to protect your kids , my son's gf is not trustworthy and I won't enable her.

Asking someone to lie on an official document is not acceptable and the mother is quite correct to tell the g/f to do one!

Sometimes you have to choose to either do what you think is right or what will bring you happiness. It strikes me even if technically within the right, your current stance will only bring distance and acrimony between you and your child.

I think you should read the OP's updates.

I had. The letter issue has been and done but I was referring to the OP's attitude generally.

From my reading of the posts, I can't see what OP was asked to lie about in the first place. By her own acknowledgement:

• she has known they've been in a relationship for several years
• she acknowledges they live together
• the girlfriend has met the family multiple times, as a partner
• gifts have been sent acknowledging the girlfriend is connected to the family
• ongoing invitations will be sent indicating that OP knows they are still together and are likely to be in the immediate future

The impression I got was OP used it as an excuse to have the upper hand because she doesn't like the girl, nothing to do with whether she questioned if they were actually living together and in a long term relationship.

• gifts and cards have been

Are you saying that the OP is lying when she says:

"The one they drafted for me had much more detail and included things that either were not true or I didn't believe to be true."

I get the impression that the OP had tried hard with the girl, but it was the GF who decided she wasn't worth the effort. She has refused several invitations to visit, so how could the OP build a relationship with her?

I'm with @TenTenTenAgain on this.

I'm suggesting that OP was fully aware that it's a genuine long-term relationship and made a mountain out of a molehill about lesser issues that don't change that in any meaningful way.

I just don't understand her mentality in what seems to be relishing taking an opportunity to cause annoyance for her son.

You are reading completely different things in the OP's posts to me. She has reached out (I hate that expression) to the GF who has only been rude in return.

Fair enough. We can all read the same words but interpret them differently. Like that old saying there's your truth, their truth and the real truth.

• she has known they've been in a relationship for several years - I have been told that have been together as boyfriend and girlfriend for 4 years.

• she acknowledges they live together - Yes , I am aware that they live at the same address. I've not been invited to their home or seen the way they are set up though. They could live like flatmates for all I know.

• the girlfriend has met the family multiple times, as a partner - 3 times. I've not seen her for almost 2 years now , I didn't actually count the time passed until a couple of days ago.

• gifts have been sent acknowledging the girlfriend is connected to the family - Yes , I've made an effort with the girl my says he likes and wants to be with. Was this wrong?

• ongoing invitations will be sent indicating that OP knows they are still together and are likely to be in the immediate future - Of course they will! I will do this to keep the relationship with my son positive. I could seriously damage our relationship if I don't appear to remain open to her.

The letter they drafted contained things that were not true. Are you saying that OP should have signed it off anyway?

I'd be asking how she intends to support herself in the UK, or is she planning on living off your ds.

If she is no longer a student, she needs someone to sponsor her. If that is your ds, he will have to prove that he has a certain income and can support her.

I'd be very wary of lying on her behalf.

@Meadowfinch she's closed off the only way I had of communicating with her. Well , I could go to the flat or write her a letter but she clearly doesn't want to talk to me so I won't.

As I said before , as far as I know she's freelancing as a tutor in her first language. An couple of ads came up online when I searched her name last week. I assume freelancing because she states an hourly rate and works from home. I don't know any of this for sure though because she won't tell me about her job. I don't even know what she was studying.

The ads were definitely her , her name isn't a 'John smith' type of name apparently , only things with her picture attached come up when I search for her.

she is from Turkey, right

Why Turkey? I'll be honest, my mind immediately went to Lebanon or Morocco, based on the anecdata of people I know who have been in close relationships with women from both those places. High maintenance doesn't even cover it. 😂

She's not Turkish , no.