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Original poster

Uncomfortable situation involving adult child's partner

450 replies

TenTenTenAgain · 27/04/2026 07:05

My adult son has been with his gf for 4 years. She is from another country and is here on a student visa. They live together.

I've met her 3 times in 4 years , she is always invited to family gatherings but frequently refuses for various reasons. I feel like I don't know her and only recently learned her real name , she uses an English name due to pronunciation issues. The last time I saw her she was very rude , she shamed my son and mocked him about his job. He works ft and earns an average wage for a young man of his age.

They've asked me to sign a letter stating that they live together as a married couple for her new visa , as she's no longer a student. And put pressure on me to do so within a few hours. I said that I needed more information and asked her some questions , the last one of which was about how she sees the future with my son. She didn't respond and apparently phoned my son shouting about me being rude and throwing accusations at her. She then blocked me on social media.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

I'm confused and concerned. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

OP posts:
FormerCautiousLurker · 28/04/2026 13:20

TenTenTenAgain · 28/04/2026 13:08

@Mingou That's interesting. Anyway I saw his wage slips 6 years ago when he lived with me , he was earning much less than the amount required and is still in the same job.

She could probably prove self sufficiency , I'm 99% sure that her family have money.

I think the money has to be self generated within the UK, though, not via a trust fund from rich parents who could withdraw those finds on a whim and leave her without income? (Or turn out not to be that wealthy at all, but hoping to come to the UK once they have a child living here permanently).

Ie, she needs to have a job? If she has studied here she should have a qualification to enable this. If she was on a student visa there is (as I vaguely recall from chatting with international students on my MA few years ago) an extended period on post graduate (work-related) visa or get a skilled worker visa. Neither requires evidence of a relationship, which I think is only needed for a spousal/partner visa, and both require her to be employed. That they are going down this route suggests that a) she has never worked and b) does not plan to.

This raises red flags for me. She is 27. She can get a job, obtain her visa that way, and see how their relationship develops but is not doing so. Your DS is 23 - I would query the nature of this arrangement as it feels like he has been manipulated into a relationship that offers her a lot, but ties and restricts him.

Original poster
TenTenTenAgain · 28/04/2026 13:31

When you put it like that it is unusual that she isn't looking for a skilled worker visa. I can only hope that the correct decision is reached when all of the documents are viewed.

OP posts:
SwatTheTwit · 28/04/2026 15:10

Anonymouseposter · 27/04/2026 17:51

There’s too much on here of stridently defending the autonomy of young adults but expecting older women to do as they’re told.

All this would have been spared if OP had written “son and girlfriend asked me to sign an embellish letter” instead of “son and girlfriend asked me to sign a letter that states a fact and I decided not to because I don’t like her attitude”.

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems
zukinizen · 28/04/2026 15:46

Where is she from? Australia?

i keep reading your updates and to be honest, all I can say is you gain more and more respect. You are tough but fair and after being through all shit with your ex husband, you are dealing with potentially abusive spoiled brat future DIL......you will need your toughness

zukinizen · 28/04/2026 15:47

Cuddos also to your amazing son, always working and working and not losing you and seeing through the abuse of his father....and still seeing through the bipolar gf's antics

zukinizen · 28/04/2026 15:53

grumpygrape · 27/04/2026 20:14

There is so much wrong in this post.

Show quote history

Just the opposite, the spoiled brat is given what she deserves, the little princess has been raised to get her way through life screaming and verbally abusing her closest ones, parents and now boyfriend. OP is no one to her yet and good that someone is putting an end to this entitled behaviour. She is not in need of asylum, she can pack her bags and go back to her rich parents with her multiple degrees and lives well with a local man who I bet won't have her verbal shit show day in day out

Original poster
TenTenTenAgain · 28/04/2026 16:00

Apologies , but I don't want to share her home country. I don't feel it's relevant to the thread.

I've also no idea if she has a mental health diagnosis either , that's none of my business. I just hope she genuinely wants to be with my son and that I'm wrong about her. I'll happily apologise if I'm incorrect in my assumptions. His happiness is what counts.

OP posts:
Original poster
TenTenTenAgain · 28/04/2026 16:30

I don't feel that blocking someone on social media is the most mature behaviour though. It's definitely more amusing than upsetting.

OP posts:
Boomer55 · 28/04/2026 16:35

TenTenTenAgain · 27/04/2026 07:10

She was , yes. I won't be signing that letter.

My main concern now is for my son's wellbeing and my relationship with him.

She sounds though she just wants a visa to stay here. I’d stay out of it.

MellersSmellers · 28/04/2026 18:59

I would have had no problem signing that letter if it was factually correct that they are living together as a married couple (i.e. sexual relationship, same accommodation), regardless of any misgivings I might have about the future prospects of the relationship. That's for your DS to work out.
Just the fact you've questioned her on her future intentions has put her hackles up. Not a wise move I fear.

Sienassword · 28/04/2026 20:07

MellersSmellers · 28/04/2026 18:59

I would have had no problem signing that letter if it was factually correct that they are living together as a married couple (i.e. sexual relationship, same accommodation), regardless of any misgivings I might have about the future prospects of the relationship. That's for your DS to work out.
Just the fact you've questioned her on her future intentions has put her hackles up. Not a wise move I fear.

Have you read the full thread?

moderate · 28/04/2026 20:57

SwatTheTwit · 28/04/2026 15:10

All this would have been spared if OP had written “son and girlfriend asked me to sign an embellish letter” instead of “son and girlfriend asked me to sign a letter that states a fact and I decided not to because I don’t like her attitude”.

Show quote history

Her posts quickly made it crystal clear she was being asked to embellish the situation. No need to advertise your failure in reading comprehension.

Gagaandgag · 28/04/2026 21:01

I feel for you op. I don’t think you did anything wrong

SwatTheTwit · 28/04/2026 21:53

moderate · 28/04/2026 20:57

Her posts quickly made it crystal clear she was being asked to embellish the situation. No need to advertise your failure in reading comprehension.

Show quote history

It should have been in the main post as it completely changes the situation. No need to come be nasty on a random forum, sorry you’re so miserable x

moderate · 28/04/2026 22:00

SwatTheTwit · 28/04/2026 21:53

It should have been in the main post as it completely changes the situation. No need to come be nasty on a random forum, sorry you’re so miserable x

Show quote history

Healer, heal thyself.

RampantIvy · 28/04/2026 22:01

SwatTheTwit · 28/04/2026 21:53

It should have been in the main post as it completely changes the situation. No need to come be nasty on a random forum, sorry you’re so miserable x

Show quote history

On long threads I select See All on the OP and it just filters out the OP's posts. I find that the OP usually adds more information in later posts.

Original poster
TenTenTenAgain · 28/04/2026 22:35

If it did appear that I was deliberately drip feeding then I can only apologise. I started this thread after a night of only 2 hours sleep with my youngest child so missed a few key points despite reviewing before submitting.

OP posts:
FairKoala · 28/04/2026 22:57

I suspect they asked because they don't actually meet all of the criteria for a visa and are panicking. I'm 99% sure that my son's wages don't hit the amount required to sponsor her

I should warn you that there is another way for her to stay if your DS doesn’t earn enough money to sponsor her.

If for whatever reason your DS becomes disabled she would get to stay as his carer

It was only when friend divorced that she realised that the accident that caused her disability was the reason her now exh was allowed to get his visa and whilst she can never prove he did it deliberately it will remain in the back of her mind that her disability was caused by her exh as a way of getting around visa laws

FairKoala · 28/04/2026 22:57

I suspect they asked because they don't actually meet all of the criteria for a visa and are panicking. I'm 99% sure that my son's wages don't hit the amount required to sponsor her

I should warn you that there is another way for her to stay if your DS doesn’t earn enough money to sponsor her.

If for whatever reason your DS becomes disabled she would get to stay as his carer

It was only when friend divorced that she realised that the accident that caused her disability was the reason her now exh was allowed to get his visa and whilst she can never prove he did it deliberately it will remain in the back of her mind that her disability was caused by her exh as a way of getting around visa laws

croydon15 · 28/04/2026 23:02

I would agree OP to do a factual letter with only details you know to be true, not anything that you are unsure, as you don't want to get into trouble to help her out when she's so rude to you, also you need to consider the effect it would have on your disabled son if you were to get into trouble for giving false information

Original poster
TenTenTenAgain · 28/04/2026 23:09

@FairKoala How dreadful for your friend!

OP posts:
Original poster
TenTenTenAgain · 28/04/2026 23:12

@croydon15 My.son hasn't actually mentioned the letter since apologising to me. We we're talking via text about unrelated things yesterday , no speak of the visa at all.

OP posts:
OldCrohn · Yesterday 01:04

You better hope they don't go the distance because daughter in laws wield all the power over the grandchildren and when grannies get to see them.

Chickadee001 · Yesterday 06:26

Definitely sounds dodgy - might she have been 'grooming' your son all along for visa purposes? Her attitude doesn't sound like how a potential future daughter in law should behave? Too many red flags and alarm bells ringing for my liking!

Original poster
TenTenTenAgain · Yesterday 08:36

I would be very surprised if she got pregnant now. Single parenthood is seen as shameful where she comes from and she and my son are don't appear to want to marry right now. Her country's history is complicated when it comes to having children and she's not officially settled here yet.

OP posts:
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