Uncomfortable situation involving adult child's partner

[TenTenTenAgain]

My adult son has been with his gf for 4 years. She is from another country and is here on a student visa. They live together.

I've met her 3 times in 4 years , she is always invited to family gatherings but frequently refuses for various reasons. I feel like I don't know her and only recently learned her real name , she uses an English name due to pronunciation issues. The last time I saw her she was very rude , she shamed my son and mocked him about his job. He works ft and earns an average wage for a young man of his age.

They've asked me to sign a letter stating that they live together as a married couple for her new visa , as she's no longer a student. And put pressure on me to do so within a few hours. I said that I needed more information and asked her some questions , the last one of which was about how she sees the future with my son. She didn't respond and apparently phoned my son shouting about me being rude and throwing accusations at her. She then blocked me on social media.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

I'm confused and concerned. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

Yep, she sounds very rude but the fact that the girlfriend and the mother aren't besties is irrelevant to the fact of whether the son and the girlfriend are in a long term relationship, which is what the authorities want to know - they are not interested in whether or not she gets along with her mother in law.

And the mother doesn't know that. Why? Because weird woman is not socialising with her and evasive about any questions. Op doesn't believe they live as a 'married couple' as no actual evidence of this. They embellished the letter saying this woman regularly spends time with his family. It's a lie.

OP is being asked to testify as to the nature of the cohabiting relationship, not just the fact of the cohabitation.

Yes , I am aware that they share an address but having not seen her for a while I wanted some clarification on their relationship. When I reflected and realised that it was almost 2 years , half of their relationship , I'm incredibly glad I asked. I'm still surprised at her reaction if I'm honest. It was ridiculous.

Don't worry, OP.

You were perfectly reasonable to want to clarify the nature of the relationship in the circumstances. And, yes, her reaction was ridiculous.

But you opened the thread by telling us that she is his girlfriend and they live together. So you do know the status of their relationship, even if you don't like it.

Exactly, and lying on a visa application to say they are married when they just live together isn"t a good idea, they might then check this and come back to you on it as an excuse to cancel her visa. But if we step back a bit, why don"t they just ask for a marriage certificate or date/location of marriage?

If you read on you'll see that I not only go to explain why I'm suspicious of her intentions and them actually being a couple , but also that I wrote the op when I sleep deprived and it isn't perfect.

@KeepPumping what they need to prove to be eligible for the kind of visa she's applied for is that they live together like a married couple.

Ok, so that is slightly different, you could say that they appear to, but the complication is that you don"t see her regularly like you might expect to see the marriage partner of your adult child? However the problem of is she using your son to get residence is really for your (adult) son to deal with himself? I would tell them that you are not clear on their relationship and say you won"t sign, they can find someone else or otherwise work out their problem? How do you know she (or someone else) isn"t paying your son to maintain a fake relationship?

I did type a letter saying that they live at the same address but by that point she'd reacted and my son then apologised for bringing me into the situation , so I didn't print it. I've spoken to my son this week as usual but he clearly doesn't want to talk about this visa stuff so I haven't brought it up.

There are other things niggling with her other than what I've said , but they're nothing to do with this visa application and the status of her relationship with my son. Very much things towards her lack of effort with us , I'm aware that a person doesn't always want a close relationship with inlaws and their partner's siblings though.

Very much things towards her lack of effort with us , I'm aware that a person doesn't always want a close relationship with inlaws and their partner's siblings though.

As you say, that's fine if people don't want a close relationship, lack of effort is a bit rude, again her choice.

But what these type of people refuse to open their eyes to, and are even more stumped about when it's returned is that the recipient of their rudeness has exactly the same choices. I wouldn't give it a second thought, she sounds like she wouldn't give you the time of day, you owe her nothing

You sound very suspicious of her, and the chances are she has picked up on this and is wary of you too. Her visa application is an opportunity for her to stay in a country she has made her home with a man she loves. To me, your future plans question could easily be interpreted as are you using my son to get your residency and will you leave him once it is sorted? I am sure you meant nothing of the sort, but if she is wary of you because you have raised suspicions, I can easily see why she might misinterpret your question like this. I think you need a chat to sort this out.

Yes. I was taken aback by her reaction to my youngest that has a learning disability and is currently nonspeaking. He approached her and greeted her by holding her hand and making eye contact and she kind of froze. At the the time I thought it could be due to the pressure of meeting my eldest child's family for the first time and having an audience etc. That coupled with not having possibly been around children like him could make someone apprehensive easily. I just said that that's how he says hello and left it there , but she wasn't any more comfortable the next time she visited and didn't speak to my youngest son at all even when he approached her.

@mugglewump I am now! Previously I thought she was being rude in mocking my son's job and a bit cheeky in asking me to vouch for her when I'd only met her twice.

Does she come from a culture where the disabled are hidden from public life?

Plenty of such cultures still exist sadly.

@ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey yes , I believe that is the case where she comes from. I very much try not to judge when people don't react to my son in the most positive manner. I used to support sen kids for a living before I had to stop paid work and many don't have that experience.

It was hard to see though because he was welcoming her to our home in the best way he could.

They want you to confirm their current status. You’re holding her to ransom over future conjecture?

@exaltedwombat ransom! Do you realise how inconsequential a letter from a family member actually is in these situations?

People lie , numbers and official documents tend not to. A letter from a landlord or an employer carries much more weight than one from me because contracts have been signed and wage slips etc have been issued.

I am not responsible for the fate of her visa application. And if I'm the only family member/close friend that they could ask to write a letter then I'd argue that they should have socialised more and she should have integrated more.

"And if I'm the only family member/close friend that they could ask to write a letter then I'd argue that they should have socialised more and she should have integrated more."

Except for my husband, my mum and mother in law are two of the people I'd go to first to help me with something and I'd expect them to help me as much as they could to be honest. That last sentence of yours is a bit sinister.

You’re wriggling! Doesn’t matter how MUCH help your letter would have been, does it?

@exaltedwombat I'm too tired to argue with you. Knock yourself out with your dramatic posts.

@StartingFreshFor2026 yep. I'm a terrible person. I'm beyond saving actually. Why don't you quote me a bit more so that you can feel that you're superior to a stranger on the Internet.

Give it a rest @exaltedwombat . You’re trying to be a bully and it’s not nice.

Sinister, really, @startingfreshfor2026 ? I think your imagination is getting out of hand. 😳

I think it's sinister. I think the whole thing is sinister. Holding someone's uncertain immigration status (particularly if this young woman is from somewhere like China or Russia) over them and basically saying "what are your intentions with my son?", "make sure you ask me nicely", "maybe you should have socialised more, come to my events, integrate". Have you genuinely never come across someone at any point in your life who had the upper hand and behaved like that? Never had someone in a playground say "now say please" after they stole your stuff?

It's telling that when the OP got some pushback she said she thought her son might be being abused. I mean, yeah, maybe, but who is more likely to have the power here - the British man with a job or the immigrant woman with an expiring visa? Her only examples of this woman's abuse are that 2 years ago she mocked the son's low paid job (yes, possibly pretty unpleasant - although as PPs said maybe cultural, maybe an in joke, maybe a moment where she was being shitty) and that her son CHOSE not to come to his brother's birthday one time in 4 years because his partner was upset. He still sees his mother every month, so hardly alienated.

If the OP had genuine concerns it would have been so easy to say "I want to help but I would like to write my own letter in my own words - I need a couple of days" and maybe speak to her son who she sees alone once a month and who she presumably can text or call. If she got a terse or rude response then perhaps, "look, I'll write my letter which you can take or leave" but not "well, I don't like your manners so you can go elsewhere but good luck with that, hope you have good friends!"

It looks like some posters with their own agenda have appeared. Ignore them @TenTenTenAgain