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Original poster

Uncomfortable situation involving adult child's partner

361 replies

TenTenTenAgain · Today 07:05

My adult son has been with his gf for 4 years. She is from another country and is here on a student visa. They live together.

I've met her 3 times in 4 years , she is always invited to family gatherings but frequently refuses for various reasons. I feel like I don't know her and only recently learned her real name , she uses an English name due to pronunciation issues. The last time I saw her she was very rude , she shamed my son and mocked him about his job. He works ft and earns an average wage for a young man of his age.

They've asked me to sign a letter stating that they live together as a married couple for her new visa , as she's no longer a student. And put pressure on me to do so within a few hours. I said that I needed more information and asked her some questions , the last one of which was about how she sees the future with my son. She didn't respond and apparently phoned my son shouting about me being rude and throwing accusations at her. She then blocked me on social media.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

I'm confused and concerned. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

OP posts:
Speakofthedevil · Today 17:19

thepariscrimefiles · Today 17:11

She can't sign a document that includes statements that are untrue. That would be breaking the law.

Show quote history

So? I break the law whenever it's convenient to me. And I'd definitely sign for a family member, lie or not, wouldn't give two shits. Can't stand prudish 'sticklers for the rules' and 'goody two shoes-es'. I follow the law if it's logical, and/or doesn't interfere with my life in any negative way. And break it if it's not suitable for me, and if I can get away with it.

If that girlfriend is at least half-beautiful, good in bed, and vindictive/petty (sounds like she is) - OP can kiss her son goodbye now. Especially having in mind the fact that he's young.

nOlives · Today 17:31

geminicancerean · Today 17:15

I had to go back and re read your OP to make sure I had the situation right. So they’re living in a flat together now and have been together four years, yes? That’s living as if they are married. They didn’t ask you to probe their relationship, they asked you to state a fact. I don’t think you had a right to ask the question that you did, even if your brain was screaming out to say it. Whether she is a rude entitled brat or not she and your son are trying to make a life together and you’ve made it harder for them. By all means stick with your current stance but you will lose your son. And if they have kids you’ll be lucky to see them.

Edited

But you didn't go forward and read OP's other posts.

RampantIvy · Today 17:33

Speakofthedevil · Today 17:19

So? I break the law whenever it's convenient to me. And I'd definitely sign for a family member, lie or not, wouldn't give two shits. Can't stand prudish 'sticklers for the rules' and 'goody two shoes-es'. I follow the law if it's logical, and/or doesn't interfere with my life in any negative way. And break it if it's not suitable for me, and if I can get away with it.

If that girlfriend is at least half-beautiful, good in bed, and vindictive/petty (sounds like she is) - OP can kiss her son goodbye now. Especially having in mind the fact that he's young.

Show quote history

You do you.

Most of us don't think we are above the law.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
HelenaWilson · Today 17:38

I break the law whenever it's convenient to me..... I follow the law if it's logical, and/or doesn't interfere with my life in any negative way. And break it if it's not suitable for me, and if I can get away with it.

I hope you don't complain when or if you are ever a victim of crime or anti-social behaviour yourself.

Mercuryvenus · Today 17:39

geminicancerean · Today 17:15

I had to go back and re read your OP to make sure I had the situation right. So they’re living in a flat together now and have been together four years, yes? That’s living as if they are married. They didn’t ask you to probe their relationship, they asked you to state a fact. I don’t think you had a right to ask the question that you did, even if your brain was screaming out to say it. Whether she is a rude entitled brat or not she and your son are trying to make a life together and you’ve made it harder for them. By all means stick with your current stance but you will lose your son. And if they have kids you’ll be lucky to see them.

Edited

God the poor woman, the girlfriend sounds totaly bad news.Unfriendly, entitled, but you have to bow done and sign what ever she wants otherwise you will loose your son?
How about you tell your son you think this woman seems a controling indivual and you are worried about him?

Anonymouseposter · Today 17:50

bafta16 · Today 13:52

He's an adult. It's none of your business. Sign it and smile.

If it’s none of OP’s business then best she doesn’t get involved and sign anything. They made it her business. If the son is an adult so is OP and she can make her own decisions. Firstly she’s not going to lie and just do as she’s told, secondly she’s understandably concerned about her son and,while he’s too old for her to interfere, she doesn’t have to actively enable a relationship she has qualms about.

Anonymouseposter · Today 17:51

There’s too much on here of stridently defending the autonomy of young adults but expecting older women to do as they’re told.

Original poster
TenTenTenAgain · Today 17:55

Anonymouseposter · Today 17:51

There’s too much on here of stridently defending the autonomy of young adults but expecting older women to do as they’re told.

Definitely! But this thread seems to have taken on a life of it's own now so it's all going over my head.

In a nutshell I'm not going to lie for her , nor am I going to roll over and allow myself to be manipulated. Even if my relationship with my son suffers it's not in his best interests for me to back this. They can find someone else to do it.

OP posts:
HelenaWilson · Today 17:56

There’s too much on here of stridently defending the autonomy of young adults but expecting older women to do as they’re told.

Always the case on MN. Women are supposed tolerate appalling behaviour from their offspring, usually sons, because they'll 'lose them' if they don't lie down and let themselves be walked over.

Ohpleeeease · Today 18:21

TenTenTenAgain · Today 17:55

Definitely! But this thread seems to have taken on a life of it's own now so it's all going over my head.

In a nutshell I'm not going to lie for her , nor am I going to roll over and allow myself to be manipulated. Even if my relationship with my son suffers it's not in his best interests for me to back this. They can find someone else to do it.

Show quote history

Good call OP. If they are a bona fide couple they will have plenty of evidence without needing your letter. Which begs the question, why did they ask?

Andsoitbeganagain · Today 18:28

I'm with you OP. If she won't get to know you then how do you know they are living together as married? For all you know, they could be pretending to be in a relationship to get her a visa. I don't think you were rude or intrusive. You asked pretty basic questions that should have been easy to answer without this drama.

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