Uncomfortable situation involving adult child's partner

[TenTenTenAgain]

My adult son has been with his gf for 4 years. She is from another country and is here on a student visa. They live together.

I've met her 3 times in 4 years , she is always invited to family gatherings but frequently refuses for various reasons. I feel like I don't know her and only recently learned her real name , she uses an English name due to pronunciation issues. The last time I saw her she was very rude , she shamed my son and mocked him about his job. He works ft and earns an average wage for a young man of his age.

They've asked me to sign a letter stating that they live together as a married couple for her new visa , as she's no longer a student. And put pressure on me to do so within a few hours. I said that I needed more information and asked her some questions , the last one of which was about how she sees the future with my son. She didn't respond and apparently phoned my son shouting about me being rude and throwing accusations at her. She then blocked me on social media.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

I'm confused and concerned. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

So? I break the law whenever it's convenient to me. And I'd definitely sign for a family member, lie or not, wouldn't give two shits. Can't stand prudish 'sticklers for the rules' and 'goody two shoes-es'. I follow the law if it's logical, and/or doesn't interfere with my life in any negative way. And break it if it's not suitable for me, and if I can get away with it.

If that girlfriend is at least half-beautiful, good in bed, and vindictive/petty (sounds like she is) - OP can kiss her son goodbye now. Especially having in mind the fact that he's young.

But you didn't go forward and read OP's other posts.

You do you.

Most of us don't think we are above the law.

I break the law whenever it's convenient to me..... I follow the law if it's logical, and/or doesn't interfere with my life in any negative way. And break it if it's not suitable for me, and if I can get away with it.

I hope you don't complain when or if you are ever a victim of crime or anti-social behaviour yourself.

God the poor woman, the girlfriend sounds totaly bad news.Unfriendly, entitled, but you have to bow done and sign what ever she wants otherwise you will loose your son?
How about you tell your son you think this woman seems a controling indivual and you are worried about him?

If it’s none of OP’s business then best she doesn’t get involved and sign anything. They made it her business. If the son is an adult so is OP and she can make her own decisions. Firstly she’s not going to lie and just do as she’s told, secondly she’s understandably concerned about her son and,while he’s too old for her to interfere, she doesn’t have to actively enable a relationship she has qualms about.

There’s too much on here of stridently defending the autonomy of young adults but expecting older women to do as they’re told.

Definitely! But this thread seems to have taken on a life of it's own now so it's all going over my head.

In a nutshell I'm not going to lie for her , nor am I going to roll over and allow myself to be manipulated. Even if my relationship with my son suffers it's not in his best interests for me to back this. They can find someone else to do it.

There’s too much on here of stridently defending the autonomy of young adults but expecting older women to do as they’re told.

Always the case on MN. Women are supposed tolerate appalling behaviour from their offspring, usually sons, because they'll 'lose them' if they don't lie down and let themselves be walked over.

Good call OP. If they are a bona fide couple they will have plenty of evidence without needing your letter. Which begs the question, why did they ask?

I'm with you OP. If she won't get to know you then how do you know they are living together as married? For all you know, they could be pretending to be in a relationship to get her a visa. I don't think you were rude or intrusive. You asked pretty basic questions that should have been easy to answer without this drama.

@Ohpleeeease I suspect they asked because they don't actually meet all of the criteria for a visa and are panicking. I'm 99% sure that my son's wages don't hit the amount required to sponsor her.

That's why she wants him to earn more.

To serve her.

😂

More grown up toddlers in the house.

Bless.

I sympathise but they must have seen this coming.

So they asked you to sign something that - to put it very politely - way overstated her relationship with your family. I wouldn't have signed it and I too would have been asking questions. I don't think you overstepped at all. It very much sounds like she could be using your son and you're right to look out for him.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

Maybe this has made him think twice too. I wouldn't do anything until he comes back to you. The fact that he apologised is promising.

@Gymnopedie I hope he is considering his options.

I realised earlier that he has only contacted me when he's been at work since he met her. And he only comes to visit us when she's working. I think she's behaved in a controlling manner for some time and it's slipped under the radar because it was lots of subtle , small incidents.

I think you should gently raise this with him next time you are together.

And all the emotional blackmail “unless you do as they want you can forget about a relationship going forward,” but that one starts early on MN,

If you don’t let your toddlers have iPads “they’ll resent you when they’re older.”

Dare to lay down ground rules in your own home, no drinking or drugs or under age sex, “if you don’t let them do it under your roof they’ll do it somewhere else, and then go NC.”

Honestly the way we’re expected to pander to petulant brats on here is pathetic. And these kids and young people have a hell of a shock waiting for them when they finally become grownups. That’s grownups not adults, because the one does not necessarily equal the other

Completely agree.

This post nails it!

Having been in a few living-together relationships, I can see a distinct difference between ones that are “as a married couple” and the ones I’ve been in, which were not - no long-term commitment or plans were made, no shared finances etc.
So OP I think your question was absolutely fair.

Which post?

This post nails it!
Thank you @moderate
🫢

Sorry to hear that, by your admission, you lack a moral compass.