Uncomfortable situation involving adult child's partner

[TenTenTenAgain]

My adult son has been with his gf for 4 years. She is from another country and is here on a student visa. They live together.

I've met her 3 times in 4 years , she is always invited to family gatherings but frequently refuses for various reasons. I feel like I don't know her and only recently learned her real name , she uses an English name due to pronunciation issues. The last time I saw her she was very rude , she shamed my son and mocked him about his job. He works ft and earns an average wage for a young man of his age.

They've asked me to sign a letter stating that they live together as a married couple for her new visa , as she's no longer a student. And put pressure on me to do so within a few hours. I said that I needed more information and asked her some questions , the last one of which was about how she sees the future with my son. She didn't respond and apparently phoned my son shouting about me being rude and throwing accusations at her. She then blocked me on social media.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

I'm confused and concerned. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

There is so much wrong in this post.

No it’s a wind up. Somebody wants attention.

Can you ask to see him over lunch/coffee and have a chat. It sounds like he's in a toxic relationship so he might need someone to talk to.

@TheBlueKoala It'll take some juggling but I'm going to try my best to pop by his workplace and ask him to join me for a drink.

Yes, you're quite right.
I looked back at some of @Speakofthedevil's posts and they are mostly about what she thinks is right and wrong in various situations, many about controlling mothers.
Reading the posts, I can see this thread is triggering for her.
But I don't think OP is a controlling other, rather a responsible mother and citizen.

Please talk with your son my uncle was in a very similar situation, the way she thinks it’s acceptable to rant and block you just because you had questions which by the way is your absolute right shows what her true character is. My uncle is now alone and out of pocket since she got her visa and is bringing her family over here and the only thing I can say is she was always so perfect and nice whenever she met us but the minute that visa came it was like a complete different person

Lol! You are able to lead a pretty safe life in the UK because the vast majority of people are law-abiding and don't break the law. You think you sound edgy with your picking and choosing which laws you obey but if everyone did this, we'd all be fucked.

Countries with the lowest adherence to the rule of law are often countries with high corruption, conflict, and weak governance, such as Haiti and the Democratic Republic of Congo.

It’s unfortunate when threads are triggering for certain posters but I agree with you in this case. The OP isn’t doing anything wrong in wanting to know what she’s being asked to sign. There’s nothing controlling about needing answers to questions about their relationship if she’s expected to vouch for it to the immigration authorities.

And she’s also entitled to have an opinion about the GF. If she doesn’t like her, that’s perfectly ok too, as long as outwardly she is civil, which is a lot more then the GF seems able to manage.

OP I don’t know if this has come up but is your DS neurodivergent? Because ND people can be more susceptible to controlling behaviour by others. He may not have the confidence to stand up to her.

You really need to talk to him at length without her around and get to the bottom of how he feels about this.

As far as I know he isn't on the spectrum , but his sibling is , so it's a possibility.

What I can confirm is that exh , his father , is an abusive man. My son still (naturally) wants to see the best in him which makes him vulnerable to accepting these behaviours in others. I've tried to gently engage with him about his dad but I don't think he's ready to acknowledge any of it yet , and he needs to get there on his own.

Four years isn’t long for a relationship and student life is very different from real life. When reality kicks in and she has to find a job I suspect the relationship won’t survive.

Following on , although I am concerned about this situation damaging my relationship with my son , we've also been here before. His dad has continuously attempted to undermine my relationship with my son , it was at it's worst when I left and began divorce proceedings. But we're still close and I've learned to have very strong boundaries with manipulative people that try to throw their weight around and control the narrative.

I think you might be right. From the little I do know she's had a privileged upbringing , studied for degree in her home country , came here and studied some more and always had her parents financial backing. Aged 27 she's only just done with her education and appears to be struggling with holding herself together emotionally. My son has worked since he left school and lived independently and paid his way alone before he met her. They're very different people.

This is actually the most important factor in a partner visa application. Letters, photos etc don’t matter if you don’t hit the financial theeshold. It will be an instant denial

Yes, absolutely, and generally countries that people are trying to get out of.

You sound great, OP! ❤

No it does not. You can share accomodation and eat together with a flatmate, a sister, anyone.

Immigration have specific definitions of what an established couple means. They will be expecting them to be in all ways as if they were a married couple without the certificate. They will have to provide evidence of shared finances, evidence of shared costs, long term cohabitation, AND intent to stay together.

Why do you think they need a letter from OP? Immigration will want proof that they she is a de facto daughter in law to OP, not a stranger. OP has every right to ask questions before signing her name to what appears to be lies.

BTW, the income requirements are incredibly strict these days. If he doesn't earn the required amount, it's game over, he can't sponsor her. Even if they married.

Unless you can use savings as well as earnings to meet those requirements they don't have that in order. In theory she could transfer some money to him from her parents if that was what was needed.

I can see how a letter from me would sit very nicely aside scans and photos of birthday cards I've sent her as evidence for the closeness of our relationship.

I think @Speakofthedevil is ironically pastiching the kind of person OP imagines her DS’s girlfriend friend to be - something along those lines. Ie she’s suggesting OP is demonising the young woman.
If you read @Speakofthedevil ’s other posts, you might see what I mean.
At least , I hope that’s what’s going on , as I note @Speakofthedevil is a mother and runs a business. 🤔

There are loads of people who think that the law is for other chumps to follow. They seem to have zero idea of how lucky they are to live in civilisation.

No. The only other way is to prove full self sufficiency, he'd need a massive amount of savings and would have to evidence where that money came from, transfers like that would not only not work, it would be flagged as attempted visa fraud

I’m sure you’re right.
It was just that the post on this thread didn’t seem to match other posts @Speakofthedevil has written, which all seemed perfectly sensible and decent, with the addition of a furious hostility to her DM , which 15 years in another country seems not to have softened.
That’s why I thought this bizarre post was connected to @Speakofthedevil ’s feeling s about her mother.
But I may be reading to much into it.
Your view may well be the correct one. 🙂

The fundamental issue I would think is the fact that despite telling everyone what a crap job your DS has. She is in the position that at 27 and having no work experience, getting any job is going to be incredibly hard and given her attitude towards anyone asking her questions then it is going to be almost impossible
No job = No visa
I know a few young people who have worked during their degree and don’t have a personality issue who still can’t get a job after their degree and have ended up being deported.

They are trying to go down a route to show she has settled here and has close connections within the bfs family without having put in the work.

I actually think she was stunned when you said no. And then got angry

She doesn’t like it when she thinks her minions aren’t doing as they are told

@Mingou That's interesting. Anyway I saw his wage slips 6 years ago when he lived with me , he was earning much less than the amount required and is still in the same job.

She could probably prove self sufficiency , I'm 99% sure that her family have money.