Uncomfortable situation involving adult child's partner

[TenTenTenAgain]

My adult son has been with his gf for 4 years. She is from another country and is here on a student visa. They live together.

I've met her 3 times in 4 years , she is always invited to family gatherings but frequently refuses for various reasons. I feel like I don't know her and only recently learned her real name , she uses an English name due to pronunciation issues. The last time I saw her she was very rude , she shamed my son and mocked him about his job. He works ft and earns an average wage for a young man of his age.

They've asked me to sign a letter stating that they live together as a married couple for her new visa , as she's no longer a student. And put pressure on me to do so within a few hours. I said that I needed more information and asked her some questions , the last one of which was about how she sees the future with my son. She didn't respond and apparently phoned my son shouting about me being rude and throwing accusations at her. She then blocked me on social media.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

I'm confused and concerned. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

OP I don't blame you for not signing the letter. The fact you've only met her a few times in 4 years says it all.
She has not made any effort and actually appears like she is actively trying to stop you getting to know her or maybe finding things out about her.
A difficult situation with your son, plus the fact she was rude to him in front of you. I think if any partner of my children did that I would be saying something.

U sound like a possessive boymom. Just sign it

Sorry haven’t read the whole thread - @TenTenTenAgain do you have other dcs? Because they may be able to find out what’s going on.

Since this girl seems to have no intention of being friendly to you or forming a relationship, it doesn’t matter whether you sign the letter or not. I understand the blackmail aspect, but honestly I think your ds needs to see that a future with this person risks his losing his family and his own agency, if she is preventing him from doing things.

I’ll never understand people asking for a favour, but being an arsehole about it.

Plenty of people have read it but 1) it is anecdotal based on tiny snippets OP has actually seen, then interpreted from someone she clearly doesn't like, 2) her son is his own person, free to make his own choices, she has no right to stop him doing something he wants to do. and 3) they are in long term committed relationship seemingly of their own choice.

The best option would be to have a private discussion with her son before agreeing to anything to share your concerns and put your mind at ease.

Offending the partner, then being offended at her offence is just pointless.

Don't order a complete stranger to do something online. You aren't in her position

Then OP is at liberty to decline to sign the letter, isn’t she? All she is aware of is that she has been told they are in a relationship and she has met this girl a handful of times over 4 years. If they can evidence the rest, then they don’t need a letter from mummy do they? They can ask a neighbour or his work colleagues/friends who may actually have more evidence of their being a couple than OP does.

Did you really assume it went without saying that this wasn't an attempt at a fraudulent claim?
The OP has been clear that the letter contained blatant factual innacuracies, such as that she attends family events and is thought of as a member of the wider family. Have you only read the first post?

When assessing whether 2 people are living together as a couple, one of the questions is whether other people regard you as a couple, along with things like whether bills and food are shared. It is surprisingly difficult to place a line between people who are living together as a couple or living together as flatmates. There are obvious cases on either side but also a lot of cases in the middle. As I said, if you'd worked in a role where this was important, you would know this.

Maybe she won't get the visa and your son will move to her country instead.

Good grief I can’t trawl through all the garbage posted on here.

OP, I think you’ve come to this conclusion on your own but I would just say the best rule of thumb, particularly for formal documents, is never to sign something you don’t know to be true of your own knowledge.

Why doesn’t the son just marry her? Seems pretty simple to me. And if he doesn’t want to, they’re not really in a committed relationship, are they?

If this is not true then of course you can't sign it.

One of my children once asked us to sign something untrue. It wasn't serious but it was untrue and we didn't want to be party to it. We explained why and the implications of it for her and us, but it was still us being the bad guys. Sometimes you have to do the right thing, even if they are upset about it.

Of course she can decline, she has only seen her a handful of times but she knows her son, she sees him at least once a month and presumably talks to him, so she will know if he is in a committed relationship or not, like if you have family that live abroad, faking a relationship with someone for 4 years with a close relative would be very difficult.

OP's updates say she thinks that it could be a fraudulent application, but then she also says that she would have been happy to sign it? so why would she be happy to sign it if she thought he is using her for a visa??

Either way it seems to have been handled badly by everyone, it's only a small piece of supplementary evidence, instead of going into it with an agenda, she could have asked for it to be amended to take out anything she couldn't verify before signing.

Questioning someone intentions after 4 years together is quite offensive IMO.

I mean after 4 years she barley knows her so it would be strange to claim that she really likes her....

And frankly she sounds like an idiot who can't be bothered with anyone until she needs them.

And I'm very sure the letter would have contained lots of half truths and lies eg claiming they are very close and she attends family events etc or about how close and strong her relationship to her sons partner. But she just wants a sign and shut up approach right? No she can move on with bullshit if she can't even be bothered to try to have a relationship.

I do think you've made it all a but of a drama OP, they weren't asking you to do anything dodgy, as far as you know they are living together in a romantic partnership and they needed a witness to that.

I think some people really are very naive or ignorant of these processes.

Firstly, they wrote the letter and presented her woth it to sign. It contained inaccuracies and claims that she was unable to verify. Would you honestly have signed it in those circumstances? Because that is the very definition of 'dodgy'.

Secondly, she only knows any of it because it's what she's been told. She has no idea what is true or not. She's only met the woman a handful of times. She knows nothing of their relationship or their shared lives other than that they live in the same flat. How can she say anything about whether they live as married couple or as flatmates?

It really is this simple. No need to ask her personal questions about where she thinks their relationship is going, which isn’t really any of your business anyway.

How was she trying to control her and how have you reached this ridiculous conclusion?

Her sons GF has made no effort to get to know her and been rude the few times they met her she suddenly wants OPs help and is asking what to sign a letter that contains lots of half truths about their relationship when they don't have any relationship and yet OP is trying to control her.

Isn't it the GF controlling people, keep people at arms length when she wants but when she needs something you must sign no questions asked?

Signing a document lying about being part of a family in support of an official visa application is the very definition of fraud.

Anyone who believes otherwise is either naive or believes that immigration fraud is perfectly acceptable.

Even if the OP hadn’t asked about their future status, she should not be signing anything claiming that this woman regularly attends family functions and is viewed as part of the family, because she blatantly isn’t.

And it’s people like her, and people like the virtue signallers on this thread who are responsible for the fact that the likes of Nigel Farage are gaining popularity when talking about immigration, because of the support illegal immigration receives in this country.

FWIW I think you acted with integrity and my mother would have done the same.

The GF is after a visa. Mark my words she’ll be off as soon as she gets one.

Personally I’d be reporting the fact that I’d been asked to sign a document confirming their relationship status to myself when in fact there isn’t one.

LOL at all the posts saying the OP could have avoided drama by just crossing out the bits of the letter she knew were untrue.
Yeah obviously the GF wouldn't have taken offence at that, she'd just have smiled and said thanks and been on her way.

Just to answer a further few questions , she comes from a country where only the middle class/rich can leave the country to study. Also , she has expensive handbags and has a very expensive hobby as seen on her fb page. My.son couldn't fund these purchases , I'm assuming her parents have paid.

When I asked her about her job she said she worked from home and it was too complicated to explain. But I think it's lessons in her first language reading between the lines.

When she mocked his job she laughed and said he should be doing more to earn money and that the work itself was easy. This was in response to me asking him how his search was going , as he's trying to move right now.

She's only met me and his siblings on my side of the family. I think she's not met his dad and his relatives. She disapproves of them from what I could see. She's teetotal and they are most definitely not.

Sounds odd, you would then be lying on a visa application, that could have consequences for you, and surely the authorities can check where and when they were married and that they live at the same address?

That's fine, in that case it's true love, and OP will be happy for her son.

Is she from Brazil?