Uncomfortable situation involving adult child's partner

[TenTenTenAgain]

My adult son has been with his gf for 4 years. She is from another country and is here on a student visa. They live together.

I've met her 3 times in 4 years , she is always invited to family gatherings but frequently refuses for various reasons. I feel like I don't know her and only recently learned her real name , she uses an English name due to pronunciation issues. The last time I saw her she was very rude , she shamed my son and mocked him about his job. He works ft and earns an average wage for a young man of his age.

They've asked me to sign a letter stating that they live together as a married couple for her new visa , as she's no longer a student. And put pressure on me to do so within a few hours. I said that I needed more information and asked her some questions , the last one of which was about how she sees the future with my son. She didn't respond and apparently phoned my son shouting about me being rude and throwing accusations at her. She then blocked me on social media.

My son sent me an apology message , but said that the pair of them have lots to talk about because of what has happened.

I'm confused and concerned. Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

After 4 years of the 'gf' refusing contact with her beloved partner's beloved mother? Not buying it.

Weird controlling woman after a visa. Op's son will be dumped as soon as she finds a better provider.

She might be a dick but you were absolutely out of order too.

No one asked you to lie, they do live together. To her it probably felt like you were holding her visa prospects hostage to “I’ll sign if I’m satisfied with your answer”.

I haven't read all posts, but just wanted to add that we were in a very similar situation about 2 years ago - my sister was in a relationship with a man who we barely knew (we'd maybe met him 3 times in 5 years?) despite them only living about 20 minutes away. We were all pressured to not only vouch for him for a visa, but also support it financially, and because we love Dsis and wanted her to be happy we of course all did.

Well....it didn't work out. He got his visa and within a month had left and moved in with another woman. It's very common unfortunately so you are right to be wary.

They literally wrote a letter/ reference which was not true (stretching the truth) and expected OP to sign it without question!!

You need to read the OP's updates. It isn't the OP who is possessive.

If OP’s son was truly in love, they would have been married now after four years together. Would have solved the problem with the visa application.

OP, is your son’s GF more attractive than his previous relations? I suspect your son is torn - he would probably not be able to date someone like her but without visa issues, on the other hand he feels (and probably sees) that she is not in love with him at all otherwise he would have marry her. Her behaviour is not behaviour of someone's in love and this is what ultimately matters. Trust your instincts.

I wouldn't sign it - she seems to hold your family in contempt, so I'm sure there are plenty of other people she gets along with she could ask.

This requirement can't have come as a surprise to her - I would have expected her to have been a bit more concerned about her behaviour towards you all before she asked you to sign something so significant.

They asked the OP to lie.

they asked her to sign a document claiming that she regularly attends family functions and is considered part of the family.

This is a blatant lie as the OP has met her three times in four years.

This is blatant immigration fraud, and from the numbers of people on this thread defending it it’s not hard to see why immigration is such a massive problem in this country.

So many people piling on the OP when they've only read 1 post.
I know it's a popular thread, but at least read all the OP's posts even if you can't manage all the replies.
OP I hope this works out for your son. It sounds like it won't be a smooth route whatever happens. It is good you are there for him.

I feel that several posters don’t want to let facts get in the way of their own agendas

I've met her 3 times in 4 years , she is always invited to family gatherings but frequently refuses for various reasons.
I have tried to get to know her which is why I added her on Facebook. I also sent birthday cards and a small gift each year and also Xmas gifts for them as a couple.
it's the opposite actually! I wanted to do it but wanted to speak with her first. I have very much made an effort with her all along.
All I actually know is that they live in a flat together. I would have agreed to put that in a letter if she hadn't reacted the way she did. The one they drafted for me had much more detail and included things that either were not true or I didn't believe to be true.
I was being factual regarding how little I know about her.
I was being asked to agree that she had regularly attended family functions and that she was seen as part of the family.

Oh I have no doubt you love your son and care deeply for him ; nonetheless your interest in his personal, private and intimate life and unhealthy

Where did you get that impression from @anterenea ?
Have you even read the OP’s updates, which I have posted above for you to read. The OP is being asked to lie. I haven’t seen any hint of racism in the OP’s posts either and I doubt very much that she has asked about their sex lives.

But OP knows her own son and that he is living with the GF as his romantic partner/as if married. That's all she was asked to sign for.

Not true @LittleSpeckleFrog

OP you were way out of line. they just needed you to vouch for the fact they were in a genuine long term relationship, which you knew full well that they are, and you went on a power trip. you owe her a big apology.

No she doesn’t @muggart

The OP was also asked to agree that she had regularly attended family functions and that she was seen as part of the family. This is clearly untrue, so she refused.

What came across to me, is how eager some MNers are to vilify/assume the worst of any MiL or possibly future MiL.

Probably because they don’t get on with their own MILs and haven't even tried.

It sounds like OP has tried to develop a relationship over the years, but the GF doesn't want any relationship with OP.

GF now wants OP to sign her visa application and make statemetns about a relationship/person OP knows very little about.

GF kicks off about basic questions & is rude to everyone. She sounds like a nightmare.

OP - I think you are right to be concerned about your son & if she was rude like that to me I would not be vouching for her.

There is a vocal minority of absolute men haters on MN. If men spoke of women and girls the same way there would have been a scandal...

I don't think you're BU, if you're signing formal documentation then I think you have a right to be comfortable with what you're putting your name to. I have been asked to do something like this before for an acquaintance and I refused. She sounds unpleasant and sadly I have an SIL that sounds just like her.

Agree with this.

I also don't think asking about how she sees your DS and her future together was out of order, maybe she isn’t planning on staying with him and took fright assuming that you had this in the back of your mind.

She could have asked someone else to sign it, someone that knows her better than you.

Equally I wouldn't be signing any important paperwork when I don't know much about the person i'm signing for.

This ^

She's not from Brazil.

Yes, this. It's a simple factual point: do they or do they not live together as married? Not 'do you think they'll be together in ten years?'

She already said she would have signed a letter saying they live together.

But that’s not what she was being asked to sign here.

Honestly, the state of some people’s reading comprehension on here makes me despair.

You were absolutely right to question their relationship.
People do enter into relationships to get visa/ residential rights, leaving their partner after achieving what they wanted.
Of course your son's welfare is your business.
You're right to be wary of this person.

If you had read the OP's updates you will know that she was asked to agree to something that was untrue.

She doesn't actually know the answer to that.

She's only met this woman a few times in 4 years. She was asked to lie and say she was like a member of the family and attends family events.

But that aside, the OP might have been told they live together as a married couple but she hasn't seen any evidence of it for herself. She hasn't seen their relationship so she can't sign a legal statement saying otherwise. She only has the words they've said and people lie.

Sh has no idea whether they live as a married couple or flatmates.

@TenTenTenAgain You messed up here. It's easy to read what you're not saying. You don't like this girl and this was your opportunity to interfere.

I actually think it's valid not to like someone who's made little to no effort with you, to be honest, so I don't blame you for having certain feelings toward her. However, withholding help is not the way to deal with it.

Now, you're the type of MIL who will create obstacles when you don't get to interfere in their lives. Now, you're the MIL who has actively acted to block them being together. Now, you're the MIL who didn't want to help. The person she won't want to be around. The reason for her to avoid his family even more.

Let's say they get married and have children. You're the grandmother who wouldn't help their mother. You're the grandmother who tried to stop them being together.

Do you see what I'm saying? Even if you don't think that's a fair representation, it's a very easy picture to paint.

Was it worth it? My son lives away from home and I'm not overly familiar or even overly fond of his girlfriend but I would absolutely not act in a manner that might push him away.

That was all relevant information that wasn’t included in the main post (unless I’m reading wrong).

I wouldn’t sign up for any lies, but signing confirm they live together would not have been a lie.

You might be surprised at what some people do to get a passport. Good friend was married and treated like a queen by her husband from abroad. Met his family he met hers good relationships all round. Got his passport and left her. Another friend actually joked with her husband that he was only marrying her for her passport. 10 years and 4 children later with his passport divorced her and he bought his parents over and wife from same culture.
Have also read of others getting married only to find out after that they couldn't care less about the spouse they really just wanted the visa or passport. My advice to anyone after all those experiences is just not to marry anyone from abroad unless you plan on moving and living over there. Which many people have done so not every one is in it for a passport, but seriously not worth it.

You live together with flatmates. Do you really not understand the difference between this and living together as married?