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Finding horrible things when elderly people die. ***Edited by MNHQ to add: TW: contains details some may find upsetting including details of CSA***

685 replies

Dappy777 · 26/04/2026 14:16

Has anyone else cleaned out a loved one’s home and found horrible stuff?

Last year my father in law died. He was 78, had lived alone for several years and died suddenly. After his death, we went through the house and found a hidden stash of pornography. It wasn’t illegal, but the magazines were called things like ‘Babyface’ and ‘Just 18’. In other words, the models were as childlike as it was legally possible to photo. We also found several pornographic books and stuff he’d printed off the Internet. Again, it was all young and underage girls. My partner was very upset. His dad had an old laptop but my partner smashed and burned it (he was venting his anger). He said he didn’t want to know what was on there and that it was best if his father took any secrets to the grave.

Anyway, a neighbour recently told me a similar story, only in her case it was even darker. After her partner’s dad died, they found photos he had taken of young girls playing in a nearby park. She said it looked as if he’d taken them from his car. There were a lot, apparently, and she and her partner burnt everything.

I wonder how common this is? When my own father died, I found a bit of pornography, but it was all pretty tame and adult. Even that upset me though. In all three cases the men died suddenly. I suppose people with a terminal diagnosis have time to destroy such things.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
bigboykitty · 27/04/2026 19:44

I'm not quoting the posters who defended the use of the 'child porn' term. It's totally inappropriate. They are images of child sexual abuse. Please do not trivialise them with the aforementioned phrase.

tsmainsqueeze · 27/04/2026 20:06

awfulapril · 27/04/2026 19:10

I do wish those rowing over men would create their own thread.

I couldn't agree more , interesting opinions but no where near as interesting as the actual thread title and its responses.

ForeverTheOptomist · 27/04/2026 20:09

springandeaster · 27/04/2026 18:49

I see you were offended by my post. I have heard much worse than that and seen some more graphic things on here. The title of the post indicates its content, so why did you read it?
Do you really think that dying people will always be fit enough to get out of bed and to the bathroom? Did you really not know that elderly and ill people can be too weak and frail to get up and walk?

You seem to have totally misunderstood my response.

It seemed totally disrespectful to post something like this on a public website regarding someone who was dying, and so unwell and that they had to vomit into a bag and couldn't dispose of it.

It was severely graphic and stank of neglect. I found it disturbing, and continue to do so whilst typing,

For info, I wasn't ok with the child porn stuff either.

Thanks.

Flannelfeet · 27/04/2026 20:18

CharleneElizabethBaltimore · 26/04/2026 23:04

pampus grass, and the other symbol is a pineapple

Is it not an upside down pineapple?

OonaStubbs · 27/04/2026 20:54

Which way round is upside down for a pineapple? I need to make sure for next time I go shopping.

awfulapril · 27/04/2026 20:55

START. YOUR. OWN. THREAD. ABOUT. MEN

We were enjoying the weirdness of the OP

awfulapril · 27/04/2026 20:56

And we got the message about "porn". Everyone said it.

CharleneElizabethBaltimore · 27/04/2026 21:01

Flannelfeet · 27/04/2026 20:18

Is it not an upside down pineapple?

indeed

CharleneElizabethBaltimore · 27/04/2026 21:03

OonaStubbs · 27/04/2026 20:54

Which way round is upside down for a pineapple? I need to make sure for next time I go shopping.

you need a car sticker and put it upside down, then if the neighbours are part of the scene or at least know of it, then they will understand

Carla786 · 27/04/2026 21:06

nonumbersinthisname · 27/04/2026 18:04

From the behaviour I’ve seen myself, the kind of man that wants a no-strings attached shag at a work conference tends to target younger, unmarried women, so the cheating is one way. I certainly noticed a drop off in “casual chats” once I started wearing my engagement ring.

Of course in heterosexual full-on affairs you need both sexes, but my anecdotal observations are that generally the women are seeking something emotional and the men are seeking sex. It’s back to the differences between male and female sexualities. (Of course not everyone falls into the stereotype, its a generality that works well most of the time when navigating social occasions).

I know this thread isn't to discuss men but I think this is evading the point.

If an unmarried woman has an affair or sex with a married man, assuming she knows he's married : OK, she's not technically cheating.

But she's still being highly immoral.

And even if a woman is cheating for emotion rather than sex, is that much better? It's still cheating & that's immoral.

Carla786 · 27/04/2026 21:08

nonumbersinthisname · 27/04/2026 18:04

From the behaviour I’ve seen myself, the kind of man that wants a no-strings attached shag at a work conference tends to target younger, unmarried women, so the cheating is one way. I certainly noticed a drop off in “casual chats” once I started wearing my engagement ring.

Of course in heterosexual full-on affairs you need both sexes, but my anecdotal observations are that generally the women are seeking something emotional and the men are seeking sex. It’s back to the differences between male and female sexualities. (Of course not everyone falls into the stereotype, its a generality that works well most of the time when navigating social occasions).

target younger, unmarried women, '

  • I get this kind of man may be predatory : but targeting implies these younger women are usually victims. Is that necessarily true?
Flannelfeet · 27/04/2026 21:21

OonaStubbs · 27/04/2026 20:54

Which way round is upside down for a pineapple? I need to make sure for next time I go shopping.

😆 🤣 😂. Spikey bits to the bottom hahaha.

fudgesmummy · 27/04/2026 21:21

@LaurenBacal
i can’t watch it, it upsets me too much

DarkLion · 27/04/2026 21:26

Peekingovertheparapet · 26/04/2026 18:46

I haven’t found absolutely hideous things, and I’m grateful for that. But there is something about death, particularly sudden death, which means you sort of get confronted with the whole person. I’ve found a few things out about my mum since she died that made me question who she fundamentally was and whether my interpretation of her was in some way curated by her. I also found out things that pointed to a fairly acute loneliness, and a level of financial irresponsibility that was surprising as it didn’t really match the outward impression.

i think finding out things in this way means that you end up reappraising everything, including who you are. It’s tough.

This absoloutely resonates with me too if I’m honest. My mum wasn’t elderly when she died, I was 29 and she was in her mid 50’s and I had 2 weeks to clear her council house. My mum had a learning disability and had never worked or passed qualifications and she could be a complex character. I knew she was a bit of a hoarder and not very clean and found years worth of bills in boxes in the living room (think 20 years at least of bills). But she’d also kept every single thing we’d made for her as kids and I found notebooks where she’d written everything down from when she’d taken medication, to how much she had to scrimp up every week or borrow from for mine and my sons birthdays or Christmas. Like some other posters, I did find bags of wrapped presents I’d bought her that were shoved behind the tv but I knew she’d probably put them down somewhere then forgotten about them and it wasn’t out of malice.

we had a difficult relationship at times with her mental health but after clearing her house I was filled with immense pride in her. She had her difficulties and the house was a mess and she might not have passed qualifications but she was a lovely mum and clearly lived for me and my sister and my son. Was quite difficult time as I’ve now also taken on care of my sister who has a learning disability too but clearing her house made me realise despite our troubles the mess and hoarding did represent safety to her and memories and I miss her dearly now

pepayfelix · 27/04/2026 21:28

Flicitytricity · 26/04/2026 15:03

There's a HUGE background to this, but in the 10 years before she died, I thought i had a good relationship with my mam.
I bought Christmas and Birthday gifts with great care, trying to always make them meaningful and heartfelt.
When she died, I cleared her wardrobes out, and there were all my beautifully wrapped gifts, unopened, piled untidily in the bottom of her wardrobe.
The punch to the gut was huge.

Conscious you said there is a huge back story. This is probably one a therapist would have more insight on than someone like me me, but I do wonder if there was something going on with your DM beyond just not caring about your gifts.

The fact she kept them all, in one place, still in the wrappings, suggests to me that maybe she struggled to accept them for some reason - low self-esteem, a complex about being given things, who knows, but there’s every chance it had little to do with your relationship and more her own mental health in some way. Perhaps I am way off though.

Papster · 27/04/2026 21:38

Going back to the friend who died of heart attack and hadn’t taken his pills.
I had known him since age 11.
Very fun and witty. Drank and ate to a level that contributed to his demise.
I found his diaries from teenage and early 20’s that were extremely introspective about life. I also found out that he was deeply religious and had gone on Christian holidays I knew nothing about. I’ve no idea if he’d retained this faith.
I felt that I hadn’t known him at all.

zukinizen · 27/04/2026 21:46

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 04:29

Oh God, the NAMALT crowd on here. 🙈 The overwhelming majority of men are either pervs or "just" sex-obsessed. Ask any wife how important sex is to their husband. Even if a "decent" man, he'll still be all sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. His wife will be in no doubt of the HUGE importance of sex to him.

They are all the same. Whether their sex obsession comes out in being a perv or whether it's just channeled into a laser-focus on sex with their poor fed-up wives, all of them are, in some way, bloody sex maniacs.

Men are visual and sexual beings. All of them. Are they choosing the legal or illegal pathway, that is the difference

zukinizen · 27/04/2026 21:48

Papster · 27/04/2026 21:38

Going back to the friend who died of heart attack and hadn’t taken his pills.
I had known him since age 11.
Very fun and witty. Drank and ate to a level that contributed to his demise.
I found his diaries from teenage and early 20’s that were extremely introspective about life. I also found out that he was deeply religious and had gone on Christian holidays I knew nothing about. I’ve no idea if he’d retained this faith.
I felt that I hadn’t known him at all.

he probably did....

Papster · 27/04/2026 21:49

zukinizen · 27/04/2026 21:48

he probably did....

I hope so.

zukinizen · 27/04/2026 21:50

zukinizen · 27/04/2026 21:46

Men are visual and sexual beings. All of them. Are they choosing the legal or illegal pathway, that is the difference

This will be hilarious, at least was for me: when I was teenager we used to watch dance shows. My very protective of me father said once: Goodness, these male dancers, dancing with these beautiful women and holding them that close up might be either asexual or gay....

I burst laughing ...was he not right....

zukinizen · 27/04/2026 22:01

Boomer50 · 27/04/2026 06:07

I'm 75 and have a "toy box in my wardrobe" and lube in the drawer . My sister will find it after I'm gone but rather than being shocked or angry she would be happy that I still was getting pleasure from life.

I am almost sure my MIL has something like that...she used to read romantic novels in her 70s....lol ....all that sexualised thinking has to go somewhere

SouthernNights59 · 27/04/2026 22:42

ForCosyLion · 27/04/2026 04:29

Oh God, the NAMALT crowd on here. 🙈 The overwhelming majority of men are either pervs or "just" sex-obsessed. Ask any wife how important sex is to their husband. Even if a "decent" man, he'll still be all sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. His wife will be in no doubt of the HUGE importance of sex to him.

They are all the same. Whether their sex obsession comes out in being a perv or whether it's just channeled into a laser-focus on sex with their poor fed-up wives, all of them are, in some way, bloody sex maniacs.

So no woman ever had a high sex drive, really, it's all just men?

Honestly I really don't know where so many of you are meeting these awful men, but your experiences don't trump those who have decent men in their lives.

5128gap · 27/04/2026 22:48

Carla786 · 27/04/2026 21:06

I know this thread isn't to discuss men but I think this is evading the point.

If an unmarried woman has an affair or sex with a married man, assuming she knows he's married : OK, she's not technically cheating.

But she's still being highly immoral.

And even if a woman is cheating for emotion rather than sex, is that much better? It's still cheating & that's immoral.

I think the PP is clarifying the oft repeated error in reasoning that says exactly as many women as men must cheat as the men need someone to cheat with; by explaining that cheats can betray their partners with single people.
The single person may not be acting 'morally' but they're not a cheat. They may be contributing to the hurt caused to their partners betrayed spouse, but they are not breaking vows to their own spouse and betraying the trust of a person they are supposed to love and be committed to.
They might be bad, but they're not 9th circle like the married person.

ParisIsMyGirlCrush · 27/04/2026 22:51

When the hateful homophobic Ex BiL died, we uncovered a chat line on his phone. He had been texting women on a lesbian site, pretending to BE a lesbian himself. What an absolute twat! He had been asking what they did in bed and they would text something back. What made us laugh, was the fact he was probably knocking one out to the texts of another man who was also pretending to be a lesbian. 😜😂😀

Boomer50 · 27/04/2026 22:52

I'm surprised at some peoples attitudes . Do they think that sex drives die when you turn 50 ? Some may find this however I know of seniors that still have happy sex lives at 90 .