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Finding horrible things when elderly people die. ***Edited by MNHQ to add: TW: contains details some may find upsetting including details of CSA***

685 replies

Dappy777 · 26/04/2026 14:16

Has anyone else cleaned out a loved one’s home and found horrible stuff?

Last year my father in law died. He was 78, had lived alone for several years and died suddenly. After his death, we went through the house and found a hidden stash of pornography. It wasn’t illegal, but the magazines were called things like ‘Babyface’ and ‘Just 18’. In other words, the models were as childlike as it was legally possible to photo. We also found several pornographic books and stuff he’d printed off the Internet. Again, it was all young and underage girls. My partner was very upset. His dad had an old laptop but my partner smashed and burned it (he was venting his anger). He said he didn’t want to know what was on there and that it was best if his father took any secrets to the grave.

Anyway, a neighbour recently told me a similar story, only in her case it was even darker. After her partner’s dad died, they found photos he had taken of young girls playing in a nearby park. She said it looked as if he’d taken them from his car. There were a lot, apparently, and she and her partner burnt everything.

I wonder how common this is? When my own father died, I found a bit of pornography, but it was all pretty tame and adult. Even that upset me though. In all three cases the men died suddenly. I suppose people with a terminal diagnosis have time to destroy such things.

OP posts:
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Carla786 · 27/04/2026 16:50

BeaRightThere · 27/04/2026 16:39

It's extremely unlikely you could ever amass all female armies though, nor immobilise men. I haven't read your thread so perhaps I'm not following your premise.

My own feeling is that you would find all female armies capable of horrific acts of brutality too.

Sorry but you really do need to read the OP to understand. I was speaking of a hypothetical speculative fiction style scenario, a bit like Naomi Alderman's The Power.

In this situation, in war, men would be immobilised via paralysis for the duration and thus women would be the only ones fighting and doing other roles. Why would this happen? I was thinking of a similar situation to The Power, where women are able to suddenly administer electric shocks at will, and the reason is never explained. The consequences are what matters.

I agree women armies might still be cruel. I do think certainly sexual crimes against civilians would be much rarer, given SA is nearly always committed by men. Women tend to be less sadistic but general sadistic crime might not be much lower (see female Red Guards for one).

Looneytunez · 27/04/2026 16:52

thehaplessgardener · 27/04/2026 14:09

No. Maybe just don't be so smug and act as if you have not encountered these men by virtue of your superior choices. It may well turn out one day you find you are married to one.

You dont come accross as well intentioned but jealous of this woman because she isnt married to a creep.

5128gap · 27/04/2026 16:57

Paganpentacle · 27/04/2026 16:48

Wow.
You speak for ALL men?
Thank fuck for that.🙄

No, I don't speak for all men. And neither do you. Yet here you are telling us how hurt and appalled and upset they'd be about this thread. So in that spirit, I didn't think there'd be a problem with me putting my two pennorth in based on the views of the decent men in my life.
You're making men out to be rather pathetic, taking offence, being hurt and needing your protection. I'm just trying to offer balance and point out that...NAMALT.

PrettyDamnCosmic · 27/04/2026 17:02

nonumbersinthisname · 27/04/2026 15:01

Ah, the old “women do it too” gambit. Yes, some women do have affairs and flings. But proportionally, at a lot lower rate than men.

Male sexuality and female sexuality are very different in how they manifest. You’ve only got to look at the gay and lesbian scenes. You don’t get lesbians cottaging and having sex in the bushes on Hampstead Heath. And to make it clear, I’m saying that behaviour is a male thing, not a gay thing. If male sexuality isn’t moderated by the society accepted method of seek out consenting adult female partners, then it rapidly runs to extremes.

Ah, the old “women do it too” gambit. Yes, some women do have affairs and flings. But proportionally, at a lot lower rate than men.

How do the numbers stack up then? It takes two to tango so surely for every cheating man there must be a cheating woman? Unless you are saying that there are smaller numbers of cheating women but they double up & service proportionately larger numbers of cheating men.

Dappy777 · 27/04/2026 17:05

Bigwelshlamb · 27/04/2026 15:22

Just as an addition to this, I was sexually abused by my Grandmother's husband... It started at their wedding reception and drew to an end when I got older, he tried it again and I threatened to kill him. I have told no one about this and it was me with him when he dropped dead and I was kind to him. My Grandmother kept his ashes and when she died I took them and tipped them over the wall at the local tip and recycled the jar there too. Yes he did die without being brought to justice, there must have been more than me but there was no one after me. My real coup here was I was the last face he saw and I was kind because I had a momentary thought that I could say something awful but more importantly and for my own peace of mind, I needed him to know he hadn't damaged me. I didn't go through his things, my Dad did and I don't want to know what was there because just logically there would be something horrible. He did get away with it though for sure but what could I do? By the time I had the wherewithall to threaten him what could I do? Break my Grandmother's heart? I did watch closely and there was no contact with any other children, I felt that was my responsibility. God knows what shit he had stashed as he died unexpectedly but my Dad has never said a thing.

I'm so sorry. And yes, I can see the awkward position you were in. It just sickens me the way men like that escape. Thank goodness young people are no longer shamed and silenced – well, not to the extent they once were. I suspect the sort of thing you endured was very common. Most of us have probably met some 'sweet old man' who did dreadful things when he was young. I have known at least five or six women who were raped or abused in youth. None went to the police. So that's six men out there, probably married with grandchildren, who did wicked things that no one knows about.

The lady I mentioned who was abused by her step grandfather told me he used to take her for walks and abuse her in the park. He once stuck his tongue in her mouth in broad daylight and a lady passing by said "you shouldn't do things like that," shook her head and carried on walking!! As if he'd just chucked a crisp packet in the flowerbed😔. But that was the attitude. This would have been about 1979, and my friend would have been around ten. God knows what horrors went on behind closed doors. We cannot talk about this issue enough. We need to bring it out into the light. People like you should tell your story, and we should drum it into children that no adult has the right to do these things.

OP posts:
Pinkywoo · 27/04/2026 17:07

redboxer321 · 26/04/2026 20:15

Agree. There's lots of shame on this thread. Shame that women should not feel but do, shame that men don't feel but should, shame used as a parenting technique by parents who were probably doing as their parents did rather than doing a better job...

What I don't understand is people finding things on the deceased person's phone or laptop. Unless I had reason to, I would simply reset to factory settings and recycle the device. I hope that is what people will do for me. Not that there's anything dodgy, it's just respectful, surely? Unless I'm missing something which I may be as I've not been through it yet.

My DF died recently and the only way to access any of his finances, utility bills, subscriptions etc was through his laptop. My mum had no idea how to do any of it, thank goodness there was nothing dodgy on it!

Livinginfrancenow · 27/04/2026 17:23

Gardenalia · 26/04/2026 17:20

As far as you know.

1b3.2o

GoldMoon · 27/04/2026 17:24

When my mum died I had her diaries , they were everyday ones just saying what she'd been doing that day , who she had seen , what she was doing in the garden , all very tame stuff . I read a few entrances but it felt very intrusive so I just bundled them all together and they sat in a drawer for over 10 years .

Legolaslady · 27/04/2026 17:57

Flicitytricity · 26/04/2026 15:27

We lived hundreds of miles away, so her birthday gifts were sent but most Christmases they came to us, but always in the week before Xmas, as she needed to be back before the big day, so she could spend it in her own home. She took presents home to open on the Xmas day.
That continued, even in her last two years, when we moved about 10 miles away from her. She never wanted to spend much time outside of her own home.

Edited

Did she never thank you for them after the day? Or you never asked if she had liked them etc?

Bigwelshlamb · 27/04/2026 18:00

Dappy777 · 27/04/2026 17:05

I'm so sorry. And yes, I can see the awkward position you were in. It just sickens me the way men like that escape. Thank goodness young people are no longer shamed and silenced – well, not to the extent they once were. I suspect the sort of thing you endured was very common. Most of us have probably met some 'sweet old man' who did dreadful things when he was young. I have known at least five or six women who were raped or abused in youth. None went to the police. So that's six men out there, probably married with grandchildren, who did wicked things that no one knows about.

The lady I mentioned who was abused by her step grandfather told me he used to take her for walks and abuse her in the park. He once stuck his tongue in her mouth in broad daylight and a lady passing by said "you shouldn't do things like that," shook her head and carried on walking!! As if he'd just chucked a crisp packet in the flowerbed😔. But that was the attitude. This would have been about 1979, and my friend would have been around ten. God knows what horrors went on behind closed doors. We cannot talk about this issue enough. We need to bring it out into the light. People like you should tell your story, and we should drum it into children that no adult has the right to do these things.

Yea I think we in our fifties have all had the gentle warning to not sit on so and so's lap etc .. as far as I know no one else in the family knows, although I did confide in a old family friend, she told me she was not surprised because he was weird but has barely spoken to me since... theae assaults were over 40 years ago... interestingly he had been married before and widowed and was estranged from his only daughter and her children (they did come to the wedding of him and my Grandmother but there was some weird shit going on and I was only little but it was palpable). She was never heard of again despite living literally 3/4 miles away... And didn't come to his funeral. So as an older child I did wonder about that... I have to tell you and it saddens me to say it but I don't know what would have happened if I had told. I wanted to believe all the grown ups who said they loved me would expel him but the person who sits here now doesn't think that would have happened and I would have been silenced and it would have been swept under the carpet. I would have been the problem. That reaction from the old family friend kinda says everything and she would tell you right here she lives and cares for me but she cannot cope with even knowing. What was tragically hilarious is everyone thought he was a bit creepy in a clownish way, so he really was a wolf in wolf's clothing. I replay him dying and me damning him to hell but the point of these people is to corrupt and destroy and I just couldn't give him that. That was a split second decision as he lay dying. Without being flippant I do feel mostly ok because dumping those ashes in a council tip was a perfect fuck you. Recycling the urn was the chef's kiss. I felt like I took my power back that day. That said, if he were alive today, I would stab him in the neck because I have my own children now.

nonumbersinthisname · 27/04/2026 18:04

PrettyDamnCosmic · 27/04/2026 17:02

Ah, the old “women do it too” gambit. Yes, some women do have affairs and flings. But proportionally, at a lot lower rate than men.

How do the numbers stack up then? It takes two to tango so surely for every cheating man there must be a cheating woman? Unless you are saying that there are smaller numbers of cheating women but they double up & service proportionately larger numbers of cheating men.

From the behaviour I’ve seen myself, the kind of man that wants a no-strings attached shag at a work conference tends to target younger, unmarried women, so the cheating is one way. I certainly noticed a drop off in “casual chats” once I started wearing my engagement ring.

Of course in heterosexual full-on affairs you need both sexes, but my anecdotal observations are that generally the women are seeking something emotional and the men are seeking sex. It’s back to the differences between male and female sexualities. (Of course not everyone falls into the stereotype, its a generality that works well most of the time when navigating social occasions).

Darkladyofthesonnets · 27/04/2026 18:04

A colleague found out what her father was doing in the shed - looking at pornography. He was so old it was all very vintage. Her brother thought the stuff might be collectable and valuable but their mother insisted it all be taken to the tip with nothing in the bag having anything that would reveal the family name. He had been extremely mean with money and the mother was looking forward to selling the mouldering family home and moving somewhere new modern and warm with no shed.

Krautie · 27/04/2026 18:07

I had to provide proof of actually attending school after 16 as part of claiming a German pension- my A Level certificate wasn‘t enough. In desperation I sent them my school reports. They no doubt had a laugh

Andepeda · 27/04/2026 18:14

Time for me to hide this thread, I'm starting to feel a bit queasy.

Showdogworkingdog · 27/04/2026 18:18

My DM has dementia and has moved in with me so my DSis and I have been clearing her house. (Well, trying to, if anyone needs any Pyrex, pm me )
She doesn’t speak very much now, she’ll answer a question using a few words but that’s it. Found her will and a note telling me and my DSis to share anything of hers we wanted between us, adding, “ don’t get falling out over anything, nothing matters that much.” Made me cry as the wise and opinionated DM who wrote that has gone now, even though she’s still with us. Glad it’s not been anything worse, feel for some PP on here.

Verv · 27/04/2026 18:19

PrettyDamnCosmic · 27/04/2026 17:02

Ah, the old “women do it too” gambit. Yes, some women do have affairs and flings. But proportionally, at a lot lower rate than men.

How do the numbers stack up then? It takes two to tango so surely for every cheating man there must be a cheating woman? Unless you are saying that there are smaller numbers of cheating women but they double up & service proportionately larger numbers of cheating men.

You're omitting single women from your calculations.

ProfessorSlocombe · 27/04/2026 18:21

DripDripAprilshower · 27/04/2026 12:52

It’s amazing how many posters are claiming to have found illegal sexual assault images but not one poster has mention anything about reporting to the police so they can protect the survivors or find the perpetrators.

Even when it was pointed out.

Paveparadiseputupaparkinglot · 27/04/2026 18:29

Gardenalia · 27/04/2026 00:02

Yes. They. Are. Wake up!

You’ve clearly just had some shit men in your life so assume all men are the same. My husband isn’t an arsehole and neither are the other men in my life but I know of some awful women.

bigboykitty · 27/04/2026 18:44

Junippa · 26/04/2026 21:30

I think this is a good point.

I think there are "clusters" of dodgy men who enable each other and normalise whatever dodgy tastes they have. They may be from the same family, or internet group, or just have a kind of 'dog whistle' way of identifying each other.

Equally, I think there are "clusters" of pretty nice, decent men. Birds of a feather, and all that.

It would certainly go some way towards explaining the polarisation of experience that we're seeing on this thread.

I think this is a complete fantasy and a denial of everything we know about abuse.

springandeaster · 27/04/2026 18:49

ForeverTheOptomist · 26/04/2026 18:57

I was just looking for a way out from seeing any further of these extremely distressing posts, when I saw this one.

I find it invasive and really disrespectful to see this post. Could the person concerned have been so unwell that they couldn't get to the bathroom?

I see you were offended by my post. I have heard much worse than that and seen some more graphic things on here. The title of the post indicates its content, so why did you read it?
Do you really think that dying people will always be fit enough to get out of bed and to the bathroom? Did you really not know that elderly and ill people can be too weak and frail to get up and walk?

AcrossthePond55 · 27/04/2026 18:49

I've already done my Swedish Death Cleaning. But after reading this thread, I'm going to do another one!!! God only knows what might be lurking in some corner that I've missed!!!

awfulapril · 27/04/2026 19:10

I do wish those rowing over men would create their own thread.

Leavelingeringbreath · 27/04/2026 19:16

C8H10N4O2 · 26/04/2026 18:28

This probably says more about how little pleasure and consideration they received during sex than anything else. If you have a partner who thinks sex is for his orgasm and women are not supposed to enjoy it then its always going to be something to endure not enjoy.

Looking at the “finds” on the thread, they don’t all equate to the OP’s finding. Elderly aunts with g-strings, prescriptions for viagra, vibrators etc - all things at which if they were 50 nobody would bat an eyelid. It may feel a bit weird to find such things but its more a sign of pleasure in a sex life than anything else and entirely normal. Finding out about adopted siblings, parents married after birth or that your “big sister” is your mother - also a shock but not weird and unsavoury.

That third category of images of child abuse/pseudo child abuse is completely different to the other two and would leave me feeling quite sick.

This.

There is a world of difference between finding a few naughty sexy items, bit of naughty lingerie etc or an elderly relatives sex toy.... And finding absolutely abhorrent stuff like child sexual abuse materials.

Yes you'd get a surprise finding the former but I'd hope after the shock you'd also have a little giggle and be glad they enjoyed themselves in a perfectly normal legal way.

The latter is sickening and you could never see that person in a positive light again, ever. Any good memories would be utterly ruined and tainted.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 27/04/2026 19:17

@awfulapril I agree
It's the same on most threads here, especially AIBU. I think some people just trawl through MN looking for somewhere to have an argument.

MovedlikeHarlowinMonteCarlo · 27/04/2026 19:34

awfulapril · 27/04/2026 19:10

I do wish those rowing over men would create their own thread.

Yep. God forbid some women state their dislike for men's actions.

You'd think they were spending their free time battering and killing men by the reaction from some. It's a few words on a website. The same thing happens on Reddit where numerous men speak about their hatred for women.