Toy phone or potential meltdown at a family restaurant meal?

[NavigatingASD]

Having a disagreement with dh about the best way to manage ds (7, autistic) at an upcoming family meal.

He can stay very calm if has a particular toy phone to play with (lights games sounds etc) it’s got 2 volume settings but doesn’t go very loud . Dh says it’s going to be inappropriate but without it ds shouting / screaming / noises will be much more noisy?? Which will annoy other people more than a toy!

We’ve had this discussion before. I always take the toy but this time he’s saying it’s not going to be ok. It’s not a particularly quiet restaurant anyway. It will keep ds calm so I can’t see the problem but what do others think is more annoying - a child on a moderately at worst noisy toy that actually may not be audible if the restaurant is very busy or a screaming child who is overwhelmed and/ or bored?

I really don’t understand this.

Restaurants are for people to go out and eat. They aren’t for toys, noises from toys or screens or lights.

No one is more important than anyone else. If what you are doing (or your son in this case) is disruptive, distressing or frankly annoying to others than he shouldn’t go. His happiness doesnt supersede everyone else. It’s a place to go, eat and socialise not have toy noises playing.

Many people have said that the lights will be distressing to them and I certainly don’t want tinny horrible plastic toys noises playing while I am eating dinner.

OP you seem to think that deciding which is the best of two poor choices is okay. The third option is to not put his needs above everyone else. This isn’t just for ND kids - thats for all of life. That’s why we don’t cut lines or do other rude things.

It wouldn’t bother me depending on what type of restaurant it was. In somewhere like tgi’s or a loud family restaurant i wouldn’t bat an eyelid. In a more adult place that has a quieter feel I think it would grate on my nerves. I think setting and also time of day is key to how appropriate it is

It's a noisy restaurant. So I hope parents of children who cannot cope with noise would be prepared, like me, with an aid like ear defenders.

That keeps my child calm and happy in those situations. OP's child uses a toy phone (and let's be honest, how noisy could that possibly be on the lowest setting in a busy place?)

People are trying to "Gotcha" OP with this, but it's bullshit.

There is nothing worse than going to a restaurant and seeing kids glued to their tablets with volume on.

Oh no there is……parents that think this is acceptable.

Leave the Father @ home to babysit his Child there.

Fucking hell. Some of these answers.

OP if it's a family restaurant it will be noisy anyway,. Take the toy and have a lovely time.

By all means take him to a restaurant when your DH will be chilled and won’t be all het up about being shown up in front of family.

Take him to family gatherings that are not in a restaurant.

It’s not 100% essential to go to this one function to help your DS manage in society..

Like PP said if the pressure of the event will make your DH not act normally and be chilled with your son, then this may make your DS react to the stress of the event and mean more emotional disregulation and bad memories of restaurants!

You have obviously missed the posts from those whose children can’t use headphones. And why are you saying it’s a noisy restaurant?

OP needs to get her child as close as they can to being able to cope without noisy toys. But not at this kind of event where it will be stressful for her and DC. Going out with just them and trying to build up would be far more sensible.

It might be noisy because of people chattering or occasionally kids crying, but not because of noisy toys or iPads.

But this isn't about manners? This is the problem, that people see autism and similar conditions as a parental failure or simply a lack of discipline.

I just posted about a woman I care for with severe brain damage - she makes loud involuntary noises, it's not that her needs trump others, but that she too deserves to be out in the world. The fact that she is in a wheelchair means that people are generally more tolerant I think - her disability is more acceptable.

You have missed OP mentioning that it's noisy.

Great that it works for your child. You know some adults also have issues though, right? I do my best to avoid going anywhere but if I do have to, as an adult I would expect to be able to converse with my companion and ear defenders don’t seem particularly conducive to that.

I can just about deal with normal background noise but excess noise levels mean I have to leave immediately. I can use noise cancelling earbuds when I’m on my own but when I am out with someone I can’t really sit with them on’

I didn't quote you.

I say this with kindness.
Keeping him in mainstream school isnt always the best thing.
If he generally isnt coping, and you need one specific toy, lots of interventions and he is struggling, he may be best off at an AP.

This isnt a bad thing. Children can thrive at APs and when they do they do they access more education than they would have done at mainstream

But she can’t help that, just like someone can’t help having Tourette’s.

I am assuming she wouldn’t go to a regular cinema screening if she couldn’t help shouting out the whole way through, as that would not be fair on everybody else.

And unlike involuntary noises, having a noisy toy can be helped.

Imagine if half of the children going needed to have noisy toys or iPads on full volume.

My supermarket does autistic friendly shopping where there is as little noise as possible.
Would it be fair to choose this hour to play really loud music or loads of kids having noisy toys.

Again with the ‘you must be saying disabled people must be kept away from the public’. MN posters really don’t understand nuance. It’s a balance of people’s needs.

I have to avoid 99% of public places because my needs don’t bother others but others’ needs can distress me.

Interested to see how room could be made for people like me…

Oh come on.

There are many, many things in life that are worse than both of those things! Get a grip.

I'll tell you what's worse than either of those things - it's watching a ND child struggle with navigating a world that isn't set up for them and causes them difficulties. That's much, much more difficult than coping with a bit of noise or 'having' (the horror!) to see a kid with a phone for a short period of time in a restaurant. Though I agree that a phone can be watched with sound down or headphones.

Of course everyone's needs need to be balanced, but they're not talking about a meal at Gordon Ramsay, are they. In that case, you'd have a point, and taking a noisy toy wouldn't be on. Here, we're talking about including a child in a family event in a setting which isn't rarefied.

How does he trump every other child in the restaurant? An autistic child making noises isn’t anything to do with manners or rules. Autistic children still deserve to go out for meals. They will be there for 2 hours max, I’m sure other diners will survive being mildly inconvenienced for that short period of time. Honestly the snobbery here is insane

does he need the volume at the quietest level to relax or could the speaker be temporarily (out of his sight) be provided after being covered with clear sellotape to reduce the sound further?

What do you think ND adults have to do? Most of us are adept as masking but it could be argued that I shouldn’t have to miss out on life to accommodate everyone else. Like I said, it’s a balance

Yup, I am a fellow issue haver, AuDHD.

Crying children in supermarkets are one of my triggers but I can't ban them. I have to find ways around it.

‘Mildly inconvenienced’

Fucking hell

He trumps potentially every child and diner in the restaurant because his needs are clearly being prioritised over theirs.

And I usually wear earphones (babies/children are also one of mine) but it’s not always possible to avoid meeting up with someone for lunch or whatever.

There is a limit to the number of times you can fake a sickie to get out of it!