Toy phone or potential meltdown at a family restaurant meal?

[NavigatingASD]

Having a disagreement with dh about the best way to manage ds (7, autistic) at an upcoming family meal.

He can stay very calm if has a particular toy phone to play with (lights games sounds etc) it’s got 2 volume settings but doesn’t go very loud . Dh says it’s going to be inappropriate but without it ds shouting / screaming / noises will be much more noisy?? Which will annoy other people more than a toy!

We’ve had this discussion before. I always take the toy but this time he’s saying it’s not going to be ok. It’s not a particularly quiet restaurant anyway. It will keep ds calm so I can’t see the problem but what do others think is more annoying - a child on a moderately at worst noisy toy that actually may not be audible if the restaurant is very busy or a screaming child who is overwhelmed and/ or bored?

As per my previous comment, you will be delighted that I do in fact have to miss out on most things because of my AUDHD as noise is my trigger.

So ND people who need noise trump those who find it distressing.

But what about the people who are triggered by noise and flashing lights, and diners who just want to enjoy a meal in peace? Why should OP’s son take precedence over them?

Super.

How about..... You stay at home with your child???? Eating in restaurants isn't mandatory.

Just a thought.

People sensitive to noise can wear ear defenders or go to a quieter restaurant, as family ones generally aren’t quiet.

Has OP confirmed it is a family place?

People are falling over themselves to show they aren’t ableist by saying to take him and sod everyone else - ironically you are also being ableist

But these might be the only options for this family?

Unless he & a parent misses out entirely - which is what happens to many families with disabled children.

OP - my son is 7 & non verbal - he stims loudly, so I understand how hard it can be.

We only ever manage a big Pizza Express near us, as it's suitably noisy anyway - I always call the restaurant and ask for a table away from others, but appreciate this might not be an option. I also always make sure DS is wearing his sunflower lanyard, which helps other people understand and (mostly) respond with kindness.

xx

Agree with this.

Op's son should not take precedence over anyone. He's 7. He's a child. He shouldn't be there if he can't have Blackpool illuminations lighting up the restaurant.

Apparently they can get to fuck as their conditions don’t deserve any accommodation 🙄

How do you do that? Does management offer any advice or training about how to handle one set of customers' wishes against another's?

According to this, the needs of those ND people who find noise distressing go to the bottom of the pile.

I'm fairly sure the OP is just fishing, this one is too good to be true.

Enriching experiences for a seven year old includes sitting still for hours on end in restaurants!

No headphones, can't deal with them!

ASD diagnosis!

Feckless parents!

It's the whole kit!

I'm surprised you don't have boomer grandparents who refuse to babysit!

I have two autistic and learning disabled children. How 'high functioning' (for want of a better word) and old is your child?

If the restaurant is genuinely family friendly, your DS has as much right to be there as any other child. Babies make lots of noise, and they're allowed out in public!

Sensory desensitisation is normally ineffective for autistic people and can be very painful for them. I wouldn't resist headphones.

What would I personally do? Secretly pack the toy phone and wait to see if there's a need for it. Let's face it, if DS starts screaming, it's actually really difficult to discretely remove a child in meltdown and I would make a bet that your DH would 'allow' the toy in that moment tbh.

Would you have families with disabled children completely isolated from society??

I work as a PA to a young woman who suffered a TBI after an accident, she's now is a wheelchair & makes repeated loud noises, they are completely involuntary & uncontrollable.

Her favourite pastime before and since her accident is lunch out, but according to you she should be kept at home for fear of disrupting others?

Luckily our local restaurants and cafes and wider community love her and embrace her.

I guess all you can do is try. Esp if a family run restaurant

If the toy is too noisy sure a waiter will tell you.

If he creates you take him outside

can you show a video of the toy and the noise it makes

I can tune out noises /being slightly deaf helps - 😉 and easier to do that then a loud crying /shouting child

Of course he can have his toy at a family restaurant. It's his world, too.

People who can't cope with disabled children should avoid public spaces.

Why don't you and DH take him to a similar place, with toy on quiet setting, before said meeting up with family? At least you will have given him a feeling for that type of situation.

Increasing his tolerance over time seems like a great strategy in the long term. But is this particular occasion the right time to be practicing that? Or will it be putting too much pressure and stress on him and other family members?

Only you will know, of course.

Personally, if it's a family/buzzy restaurant I'd be relaxed about a noisy toy if it meant he could be included.

Two of our kids are autistic and never would I take noisy toys, plenty of things to take other than spoil other people's teas

If only life was that simple.

Cant be bothered to quote whoever responded to me, I can’t be arsed to scroll back.
Adults with difficulties potentially have learned tools to support themselves, especially if they are eating in a family friendly place.
a child that is still learning the tools that will help him is also entitled to eat out.

Nonsense. DS finds noise distressing and happily uses his ear defenders.

We all have to make room for each other.

You're right to be thinking like this, you certainly do need to work towards building resilience and coping with everyday situations. But it doesn't sound like this occasion is the right one to practice on. It seems like you're trying to push the issue because you've got a (not unreasonable) plan in your head. But DH is clearly stressed by it and that alone will be a stumbling block in your joint approach.

Maybe skip this one if you can't agree, and take DS out just the two of you (and siblings) more often to establish the volume control and the expectations. Then when he's more tolerant of that you can introduce a larger family meal setting.

👆👆Exactly this. Step by Step. Being able to sit in a busy environment with family is the end goal, not the starting point. You need to start much smaller OP and you will get there. Edited for typos

It's hard and no we are expected to please everyone and avoid bad reviews at all costs 😂

Usually I will try to work with the host to see if we can move tables (for the table who has made the complaint). Usually we can, sometimes it means a delay and they'll be offered drinks in the bar whilst they wait for the new table. It's a mad world. But I'm not paid anything like enough to be confronting the parents - head office wouldn't back me in doing that anyway.

So this one child trumps every other child in the restaurant?

This one child doesn’t have to follow rules and have manners but every other child does?

Why do you think this one child is different from everyone else?

Does that include other disabled children who wouldn’t cope with the noisy toy?