Sister still in our spare room and not moving out

[doonaduvet]

Sorry - might be long. My sister came back from overseas when our mum died 7 years ago and was living in the same small town as our dad until 9 months ago. She then moved to the city about 4 hours away where I live with my husband and son (both of who have medical needs) and has been living in our spare room/my craft room for those 8 months. She originally planned on getting a rental but as she only works part-time as an in-home-carer/house cleaner, she kept getting knocked back as she didn't earn enough money and seemed surprised rents were so much more here. Two months ago she decided it wasn't meant to be so plans on moving back to the town. Trouble is, she is not doing much to make the move happen and my husband is now losing his patience - I lost mine 2 months ago when I told her she needed to start paying something towards gas/electricity/water so she grudgingly gives 50 a week, this barely covers that, and she also eats what I cook for us every night accept one which I made her buy and cook for but it's usually only pasta so I have to add some protein to that for my son (due to his medical condition).
I'm so angry I can't be in the same room as her now (could be menopause as well). She must know it is so inconvenient for us, my daughter has to sleep on the sofa rather than in her old bed when she visits from the next city and my MIL hasn't even been able to come and see our new house as we can't put her up (sister moved in 2 months after we had).
Yes, there is a lot of history, she's dyslexic and neurodivergent and found school difficult and I was a good student who joined the military and went to university. I'm now a part-time teacher, married with adult children and have a house (mortgaged until I'm 68) but she has led a carefree life, trained as a nursing associate, traveled the world, worked on cruise ships, done lots of courses but now has no security in her mid 50's so is taking advantage of my family.
I need her gone but she is now talking about making dad leave his 3 bed council house (which is admittedly too much for him) to privately rent with her in the town. I don't know what dad will think of this, I know having her back in the same town would be good for dad and take some worry off me, but I don't know how them living together would work.
I want my craft room back that I only had for 2 months and to get the house sorted, her and her stuff are in the way and I've given up trying to do it with her here.
Sorry again for the length, thanks for reading, I just needed a vent

I’m not actually sure why you offered to do that. Talk to your DF, see what he wants. Does he actually want her as a Carer?

Yes, talking about her being a carer has got nothing to do with the situation. Your Dad's needs are separate. He should not give up his home and I really don't think he should have your sister living with him either as she will probably pressure him to give it up.

He should ask to be moved to a one bed which will suit his needs. Your sister can sort herself out. You are way to entangled in other people's problems OP. Just help your dad get his smaller place and then take a breather.

Thanks again everyone, to clarify - I stated my concern about dad giving up the council house and how I will call them to try and get him into more suitable place, it was only then she said make it a 2 bed for her too which shocked me as she said she wouldn't live with him in a council house.
She then bought up being dad's carer and I told her she would have to talk to dad and organizations about that.
I don't want to be involved except to ensure dad is secure, she just manages to make everything my responsibility. I will tell her that it is best that she moves in with dad (if that's what he wants) and they then approach the council about moving - thank you again to those that suggested that.
She now knows I am annoyed as I was quite short with her and she has been in the spare room with the door closed since we spoke. I now feel guilty, she has no one but it is the life she chose and continues to choose, but is also probably partly because of her neurodivergence, but, she knows the responsibilities I have in looking after two people with life limiting medical issues as well as working and studying and she still expects more from me.
For my DH, son and daughter (who is also ND and in a challenging career) I need to stop being spread so thin - this has been so helpful in realizing that.
I will talk to dad again to ensure he states what he wants to her and then leave it to her to arrange housing.

@doonaduvet i mean this kindly but drop the guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have bent over backwards for her and because of this she is now taking the piss. She’s the one that should feel guilty. I agree that you need to:

1. speak to dad and check he wants to live with her. If yes, be clear that she needs to move in with him and arrange two bed place for them to move in to.
2. if no then you might consider supporting dad to move in to an appropriate one bedrooms smaller dwelling that suits his needs and your sister needs to sort out her own accommodation.

your sister needs to learn to be accountable for herself. ND or not she is still able. You need to cut yourself some slack but be honest. ‘I have too much on my plate and don’t have capacity to do things for you. If you need advice I can listen and help you make an action list but I cannot actually organise it for you.’

I think your dad will have to be the one to see about moving house or having his dd move in anyway as he’s the council tenant.

Carers allowance she can apply for online as long as she does 35 hours care in a week.

Just tell her to leave in two weeks. You handle your father's admin, you say, so you'd know if he were actioning anything injurious to him. It sounds as if she'll move in with him and then do absolutely nothing about downsizing or private rental, because she doesn't do anything for herself. Repeat after us: you are not responsible for her and her life choices. Hand back the responsibility. Hand back the guilt - do you think she feels guilty for inconveniencing and freeloading off you? (And the impulse driving that is a character trait, not neurodivergence).

@doonaduvet "She now knows I am annoyed as I was quite short with her and she has been in the spare room with the door closed since we spoke. I now feel guilty..."

Don't feel guilty, it's a complete waste of energy. Whatever she is feeling all she has done is close the door and have some privacy. It's only a big guilt trip on you if you let it be. Respond to her words not her actions. Take her at face value, don't "hear what she didn't say". Her moving in with your dad needs to be her idea or they'll heap the blame on you if it goes wrong. You need to stay completely neutral once you have checked with your dad. You need to be able to say you did not push her to move in with him. That doesn't mean you can't push her to move out, but try to keep the 2 things separate.

Has your DF stated a preference yet?