Sister still in our spare room and not moving out

[doonaduvet]

Sorry - might be long. My sister came back from overseas when our mum died 7 years ago and was living in the same small town as our dad until 9 months ago. She then moved to the city about 4 hours away where I live with my husband and son (both of who have medical needs) and has been living in our spare room/my craft room for those 8 months. She originally planned on getting a rental but as she only works part-time as an in-home-carer/house cleaner, she kept getting knocked back as she didn't earn enough money and seemed surprised rents were so much more here. Two months ago she decided it wasn't meant to be so plans on moving back to the town. Trouble is, she is not doing much to make the move happen and my husband is now losing his patience - I lost mine 2 months ago when I told her she needed to start paying something towards gas/electricity/water so she grudgingly gives 50 a week, this barely covers that, and she also eats what I cook for us every night accept one which I made her buy and cook for but it's usually only pasta so I have to add some protein to that for my son (due to his medical condition).
I'm so angry I can't be in the same room as her now (could be menopause as well). She must know it is so inconvenient for us, my daughter has to sleep on the sofa rather than in her old bed when she visits from the next city and my MIL hasn't even been able to come and see our new house as we can't put her up (sister moved in 2 months after we had).
Yes, there is a lot of history, she's dyslexic and neurodivergent and found school difficult and I was a good student who joined the military and went to university. I'm now a part-time teacher, married with adult children and have a house (mortgaged until I'm 68) but she has led a carefree life, trained as a nursing associate, traveled the world, worked on cruise ships, done lots of courses but now has no security in her mid 50's so is taking advantage of my family.
I need her gone but she is now talking about making dad leave his 3 bed council house (which is admittedly too much for him) to privately rent with her in the town. I don't know what dad will think of this, I know having her back in the same town would be good for dad and take some worry off me, but I don't know how them living together would work.
I want my craft room back that I only had for 2 months and to get the house sorted, her and her stuff are in the way and I've given up trying to do it with her here.
Sorry again for the length, thanks for reading, I just needed a vent

Hi op I hope she listens to your dh because mine would have made me choose 6 months ago I think if she ignores the request you have to give her tough love just say right you have had plenty of time to get your act together I’m done now this set up no longer works for us as a family so you go to dads then you do what you need to do but we are no longer willing to house you. Times up now. Never let her come back either.

Really and truly, I’d give her 30 or 45 or 60 days to GET THE HELL OUTTA MY HOUSE!!!
Put it in writing if you need to.
And stick to it.
I just can’t imagine taking advantage of anybody, much less my beloved family.
Do it before you begin to truly despise her.
That would be tragic..

Thanks again everyone for giving me the strength to confront this. DH spoke to my sister whilst DS and I were at the specialist appointment. DH said he started by saying that we really need the room back by the end of May so we can move DS in there for the ensuite renovations and she just said that she plans to be out by the middle of May anyway, DH said the conversation ended there.
She hasn't said anything to me.
I have to stop myself from organizing anything for her as many have said but I will call dad and state my concerns about giving up a council house.
After reading about difficult family relationships I think I have FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) with her and it is something I need to work on.
I can't wait to have my craft room back, after 50 something years I finally get a room to myself!

It’s definitely FOG. You seem to have been told things are good for you through luck. This is not the case, you’ve worked hard for what you have. Your DSis is ND but that hasn’t stopped her working, she just has decided not to make any provisions for herself as she ages.

It can be hard to shake off the narrative you’ve been fed by your family but you are not lucky and your DSis is not your responsibility.

As an aside though I would talk to your DF about what his plans are. You might find that the Council will help him move to an over 55’s flat if that’s what he wants and it may be more suitable for him?

Mmm I would be a bit suspicious of your dsis’s response there op.

Planning to be out by May is not the same as her saying “I will be out by May”. Plans can go awry.

Also the way the conversation shut down and she didn’t elaborate sounds to me like she is trying to minimise the seriousness of the issue.

I would still talk to her and say something along the lines of “dh said he spoke to you and you said you were planning to move in May. Care to share what those plans are exactly?”

That way she can’t play you and your dh off against one another. She knows you both feel the same way. And she can’t avoid discussing the practical logistics so it becomes more of a concrete reality in her head, rather than a waffly concept that may or may not happen.

Op I know you don’t want to upset your sister but she has no such qualms about upsetting you by over-staying her welcome and taking advantage of your family’s kindness.

You need to have a conversation with her to follow up. "I understand that you told OH that you plan to move by mid-May - I think this is a good thing for everyone. I will get on and order the ensuite renovations now. Let me know if I can help with your arrangements in any way."

It is important that you openly back up what your OH has said to her. She needs to be clear that this a decision from both of you. You cannot creep about tiptoeing round things and pretending the conversation has not happened or it is nothing to do with you!!

Grasp the nettle!

DH said he started by saying that we really need the room back by the end of May so we can move DS in there for the ensuite renovations and she just said that she plans to be out by the middle of May anyway

There is no way she had already planned to move out by then, It was just a sulky response. Get an actual date from her or just tell her your deadline is 30th May.
Remind her as you get closer to that date.

Op just make sure to say to her mid may we have booked the plumber for 1st June to come to do en-suite so she knows there is no way back she might have said that to dh just to shut him up after all it’s not the first time she said she was going. Good luck.