Sister still in our spare room and not moving out

[doonaduvet]

Sorry - might be long. My sister came back from overseas when our mum died 7 years ago and was living in the same small town as our dad until 9 months ago. She then moved to the city about 4 hours away where I live with my husband and son (both of who have medical needs) and has been living in our spare room/my craft room for those 8 months. She originally planned on getting a rental but as she only works part-time as an in-home-carer/house cleaner, she kept getting knocked back as she didn't earn enough money and seemed surprised rents were so much more here. Two months ago she decided it wasn't meant to be so plans on moving back to the town. Trouble is, she is not doing much to make the move happen and my husband is now losing his patience - I lost mine 2 months ago when I told her she needed to start paying something towards gas/electricity/water so she grudgingly gives 50 a week, this barely covers that, and she also eats what I cook for us every night accept one which I made her buy and cook for but it's usually only pasta so I have to add some protein to that for my son (due to his medical condition).
I'm so angry I can't be in the same room as her now (could be menopause as well). She must know it is so inconvenient for us, my daughter has to sleep on the sofa rather than in her old bed when she visits from the next city and my MIL hasn't even been able to come and see our new house as we can't put her up (sister moved in 2 months after we had).
Yes, there is a lot of history, she's dyslexic and neurodivergent and found school difficult and I was a good student who joined the military and went to university. I'm now a part-time teacher, married with adult children and have a house (mortgaged until I'm 68) but she has led a carefree life, trained as a nursing associate, traveled the world, worked on cruise ships, done lots of courses but now has no security in her mid 50's so is taking advantage of my family.
I need her gone but she is now talking about making dad leave his 3 bed council house (which is admittedly too much for him) to privately rent with her in the town. I don't know what dad will think of this, I know having her back in the same town would be good for dad and take some worry off me, but I don't know how them living together would work.
I want my craft room back that I only had for 2 months and to get the house sorted, her and her stuff are in the way and I've given up trying to do it with her here.
Sorry again for the length, thanks for reading, I just needed a vent

Just tell her she has to go and be gone by the weekend! She can go live with your dad!!! He’s 2 spare bedrooms!! Tell her you have visitors coming to stay at the weekend so she needs to be gone by Friday afternoon at the latest

Presumably he gets housing benefit to help with the rent.
If another adult is living there they will be expected to contribute so no housing benefit.
Makes sense.
I don't think such an irresponsible freeloader should be imposed on an elderly man.
But I do think she should be ejected from your place. Pronto.
Really you Should not have let it drag on all this time.
Be assertive now.
Do not discuss anything.
Impose your will over your space.
Good luck.

So she'd have to pay rent, so fucking what? She can't live for free and ffs, £50 a week including food! No wonder you can't get rid of her. Give her until the weekend, tell her its time she moved in with Dad, and let your daughter sleep in a fucking bed when she comes.

Sounds like you’ve just been waiting for her to move on rather than asking her to leave. Have you actually told her face to face you need the room?

If you have what did she say? And if you haven’t isn’t that the best place to start? I wouldn’t leave it until July either. End of May at latest.

@doonaduvet THIS is what you do. End of - she’s taking the mick big time.

Yes, no rent, no bills, and she ate the dinner I cooked every night. I treated her as a guest, I only expected her to be her for a month or two but it just dragged on. After a while I told her she needed to buy and cook one meal a week and then started charging her the rent recently but it doesn't cover bills, let alone food. I'm in tears I let this happen. It's affected our relationship, it's like I've got the ick, she annoys me and I'm spending too much time in my bedroom to avoid her and not getting things done I need to.

Ask to leave by the end of the week.

I completely understand, @doonaduvet

I was that sister.
Except I was in school at university taking a full course plus I worked part-time.
My job only paid minimum wage and every paycheck I signed over to my sister.
This lasted for one semester, so from August thru up until Christmas. It might’ve been longer, but that was a very long time ago.
So I was giving my sister and her husband about $50 every other week, save for $10/month for coffee at school and incidentals.
So I spemt 5 months living with my sister. I kept the room clean, helped with chores and made myself as small and quiet as possible.
I found out by accident that our mother was paying my sister $1000 per month for me to stay there.
And still my sister played on my guilty conscience and allowed me to hand over almost all the money I made from that shitty job.
If you’re tired of your sister being there, give her 30 days before she has to leave - and before your relationship is ruined forever.

Yes, this. It's a total non-reason! The new rent would still be less than the private equivalent, infinitely more secure, and she may well be entitled to some housing benefit - as may your dad.

In most local authorities, an elderly singleton would find it easy to be transferred to a one-bed flat which would not exceed his LHA. And would not have room for an extra person.

Did your dad want rid of her?

No you weren't that sister @DreamTheMoors, you were being taken advantage of, not taking advantage from.
My sister is earning a good wage for the hours she works, she just won't work full-time. She still only pays me a token. My sister is also a fully-grown adult who is using us to save money so she can buy somewhere when dad passes.
My husband and I think she had the idea that she would turn up at our new place and pay for a pre-fab granny flat and put it on our land for free. Problem is our new place only has a courtyard as after my husband's stroke he couldn't take care of a large space, we would never have allowed her to put a place on our land anyway as if something happened to us both, our kids would have had difficulty with her there and trying to sell.

@GarlicFind - I need to talk to dad without my sister present to find out what he wants.

Dear sister, this situation isn't sustainable. It's been 9 months and this was always meant to be a temporary solution. We would like our house back. Please could you make arrangements for other accommodation, we are giving you 30 days notice.
If you would like to move back to the town where our father lives we will help you move.

This is a 'tell' to your DSis not an 'ask'

It isn’t your responsibility to work out where she goes when she leaves your house. She has had the opportunity to save money and should be able to manage a cheap rent somewhere. She will have to work full time.

Her leaving is not dependent on you speaking to your Dad and arranging her move and next accommodation. You have done your bit .

Enough is enough .

Why cant she move in with your dad if he has a 3 bed? Then save as she should have been doing the last 8 months. And rent privately or get herself on the list for a council flat.

Sounds like your Dad may have told your sister this if he doesn’t want her to move in there with him. Good idea to check with him what he wants.

This shouldn’t be a barrier to getting her to leave though. Give her a deadline and stick to it x

Arrange your MIL to visit over the May bank holiday and explain you need the room back then. Pick the later one if you think she needs more time, but I think the longer the notice the worse it will be in this situation. She doesn’t need longer to move out.

Well, nursing associates and cruise ship staff do work hard, doesn't sound like she's all that useless or her life has been entirely carefree. She definitely needs to get out and make her own way and taking advantage of the family is not right, but you do seem to look down on her a bit.

Though I suppose that's fair given her behaviour.

For starters, she can sleep on the sofa when your daughter visits

Mumsnet is full of the line that your loved ones' lives and happiness are "not your responsibility." Today a wife concerned about her husband's lack of fulfilment was told that that's "not her responsibility" and I've seen this line applied so much, to elderly parents, to siblings, and to spouses.

Of course they are not your legal responsibility. But applying this "not your responsibility" line to immediate family members is to ignore love, attachment, connection, and the reality that the happiness of the people you care about most does matter to most people and does affect you. It ignores the fact that if your sister was homeless, it would affect you, despite the fact that technically, her housing situation is "not your responsibility."

Hopefully you can help her and your dad find a better living situation.

What??
This makes no sense. Does she mean she'd have to pay rent because he wouldn't get his whole rent paid? It would cost a lot more to privately rent. I can't believe your dad has two spare rooms and she's been with you for 9 months?! Just tell her to leave and go to dad. By end of the week if necessary!

I truly do not look down on her but I am annoyed with her for taking advantage of me and my family, I know she has worked hard in the past but isn't now. The trouble is she didn't save and spent all her money on travel and having a good time and now is looking at retirement and realising she is in trouble and making that my responsibility.

her payment to you needs to increase - £100 a week may give her more incentive to move, £150 would be better.

This 👆👆👆

I agree with others about increasing rent.

Tell her you allowed her to stay rent free as she was only meant to stay a month or two. As she hasnt moved you need her to pay market rate and pay for her own food. Tell her the rent is now £700 a month with bills included and she pays towards food shop or buys and cooks her own food. If she doesn't like it she can move out.