I'm so sad for my husband

[Jaynewayd]

Unsure what i want to get out of this post but maybe some advice or to just vent.

Three young children - youngest being 1.

My husband works for himself from home.

I work away. I went back to work when the baby was 3 months old. I'm away in a different country four / five days a week and back two or three. Then away again. So pretty much full time. On the side of this, I have some side businesses. So we both work HARD.

My husband is struggling. He's really unhappy. He feels left behind. I can see it in his eyes.

He's always wanted to do something different as a career. But what he wants to do cost a FORTUNE to become. And now in his mid 40s hes starting to realise he may never be able to do it

I LOVE my job but said I could give it up to stay with the kids whilst he trains. But obviously financially that doesn't work. We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. But then what , live in rented for a few years and build ourselves back up?! He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help. But it's sad how in 2026, people who work this hard still just scrape by!

I'm just so sad for him. He works so hard. Such a good dad. He just deserves more than what hes doing now and I can't help him. Every time I leave the house for work, I can see how sad he is but will never tell me. Its breaking my heart :-(

Yep. I suppose it's the same in alot of cases where one person has a less flexible job than another. Pilot is in a league of it's own though. You get stuck in Tenerife it's not like you can get a taxi home.

He's not left alone, they have a full time nanny, and his aunt moves in to help too. So he can work, go to the gym, meet friends etc without being restricted by doing all the childcare.

Firstly, can I just say that you are fucking awesome 🤩

Unfortunately it sounds like your DH had the chance. Then had another. But if he spent his time and money on cars, casinos and booze then he really did balls it up. He kinda got himself into this, and I’m not sure there’s honestly much you can do to change it now

It’s lovely that you’re so in love, and it’s sad that he’s sad. But he needs to find something else to do that will make him happy

(Sorry if that sounds harsh - my DH is similar, hates his job but absolutely refuses to consider anything else)

I think your husband needs some tough love, not sympathy. He has the children he wanted, the wife he wanted, an awful lot of help around the house to the point where it sounds like he does very little other than fun uncle stuff, friends he gets to spend time with, his own business WFH and you cover all the bills.

He has had the opportunity to get into his dream career but has messed around rather than knuckling down and taking it seriously. He sounds like he struggles with resilience. So far his life has been pretty easy but now the business is not going well so he is fondly thinking about what could have been if he had qualified and found work as a pilot.

We all have regrets and things we have missed out on. It's how we deal with this that shows our character. He clearly has a lot of options of ways he could improve his life. He needs to explore those. And focus on the good things in his life.

Remind him that comparison is the thief of joy. That while you have an amazing job, you are also missing out on moments with the DC and also getting very little rest if you cover everything when you are home (as an aside - why is that? It does not seem very equitable).

My friend's experience mirrors this very closely - with the addition of desperately switching from the boredom of flying European low cost carrier short haul to flying for emerging market carriers on exotic routes and then not getting paid in the end

Indeed! That has happened 😩
Even if in theory he should be home comfortably in time to collect the kids I still have to make sure I can get back from London in time too just in case he gets delayed. Standby days are the worst because you never know how it will pan out.

I notice OP has conveniently omitted to mention all the weekends she work where the other parent has to go from their own Monday to Friday job straight into solo parenting all weekend! Unless the mythical flexi nanny is also on call all weekend too

call me old fashioned but I feel sorry for your young children who need their mam around not a Nanny. All for careers but your priority should be your family

I really don’t think this is about his career. That’s an ‘easy’ thing to pin this on, but really that’s just adding an extra pressure. An extra thing to add to his endless to do list that it doesn’t sound like he’s juggling well (if you say his business was doing well when you took a backseat).

I don’t know how possible it is with pilots and hours of flight/ staying current etc. But I would look at how you can rebalance things. Working in the office whilst the chaos of family life is going on in the background is in no way comparable to walking out the door to go off and do a job for the majority of the week.

Congrats on making Captain! :D I love aviation but have entirely the wrong personality type for being a pilot. I currently have a five year old who often gets invited into the cockpit when we go abroad and I love chatting to the pilots 😆

He has the children he wanted, the wife he wanted, an awful lot of help around the house to the point where it sounds like he does very little other than fun uncle stuff, friends he gets to spend time with, his own business WFH and you cover all the bills.

I know @Icecreamisthebest, it doesn't sound like a bad life, does it?!

@Jaynewayd Many people, myself included, have career paths that we wish we've pursued, but didn't and now they're not realistic anymore (time/cost of training, etc.). But that doesn't mean that other avenues aren't open to us. I agree with PP's who suggested that he speaks to a counselor or life coach. Sometimes it's more helpful to talk to a neutral third-party than your spouse, as they may be able to suggest some options that you both haven't considered. He can definitely retrain for a new career in his 40's, especially given all the financial and childcare support that's available to him. Not as a pilot perhaps, but he'll find something.

Why do women on Mumsnet want every woman to leave her husband OP?
It's so tiresome!
I love your job by the way, although I am a very nervous flyer.

i would advise him to stop the dramatics and really enjoy this INCREDIBLE opportunity to spend so much time with little kids most mean would only dream of that while a spouse brings home the bacon. Once they’re all in school have a rethink about getting him a more meaningful career (this doesn’t ’have ‘ to be him being a pilot too!) he has many years of working ahead and what’s best for the family is to have the parent who isn’t away putting the kids first. Or he needs to make more money and help fund a nanny, but I don’t think that’s best for tiny ones.

Ps my friend trained as cabin crew after Covid and now hates it already

@Unexpectedlysinglemum The OP already pays for a nanny, her DH isn't a typical SAHD. He could retrain now if he wants to.

I agree with this too. He married a pilot. A successful pilot - you sound amazing. Of course you are not going to leave your job which you love and which pays all the bills.

He needs to take responsibility for his own decisions - both those from the past where he took ages to qualify despite your support and assistance, and those in the future as he works out what he wants to do for the next 20 years and what he needs to do to make that happen. You can encourage and support him to make these changes but you should not feel bad about being successful- he may be a great guy but he’s not acting like it with this jealousy of your success.

@Jaynewayd you might want to think about getting this thread pulled. You have put a lot of personal and very identifying info on it and you dont want that being taken up by likes of the DailyFail et al.

She didn’t forget to mention his mother figure aunt moves in while she’s away, so he doesn’t solo parent on weekends she’s away. Honestly he has a good life and so so so much more help than most women whose husbands work away.

You are old fashioned. Men can be primary parents too.

You need a mother figure aunt who moves in and also full time nanny- you wouldn’t be on standby 24/7 if you had that level of help. He gets to do his job with other people looking after his kids and house and then go to the gym and out with friends… you have a very different life I’d say, and a much much tougher one with no back up and no sick leave and limited personal time and complete responsibility for the house and family.

OP, you sound amazing.

Boo hoo for him and his jealous mid life crisis.

He knew what you did.
You tried to help him.
He stop and started, but booze and casinos were more appealing.

You are paying for everything, including a nanny?
His aunt is back up?
You are away max 5 days?
You take over completely when home from him?.

He makes pin money from his business?
He had three years of a booming business when you did it all at home?

He sounds spectacularly immature.
A real man child.
Jealous of your success which he could have pursued, but he bottled it, for booze and blowing his money.

It is utterly ridiculous of you to suggest selling your home and renting to fulfill a manchilds dream.

Give your head a wobble and put your childrens housing security first.

I don't know of a single woman with a husband working away who comes home and fully takes over, much less a nanny and an aunt staying.

I think he needs to sort himself out and start focusing on how he grows up, stops feeling so sorry for himself, and hard done by, especially in this economy.

Definitely some therapy, but he needs a shake.

I did 3 years of a husband travelling, without a nanny or aunt, I wasn't working because I wanted the children to have one constant, but I might have swapped if I had that level of support available, most particularly a family member.

No it wasn't always easy, but he definitely has the best case scenario going on for a parent doing it.

Do not jeopardise your childrens security by doing anything to negatively impact your career.

Your children need one sensible, realistic parent.

Well done.

They have a nanny who takes care of the kids when the OP is on duty. He doesn't have to keep multiple plates spinning.

She also gets everything organised for the kids and the home when she's off duty. He just has to attend to his own business when she's working.

I'm not sure what more she could do for this man on the home front, really.

100% THIS!!!

OP he needs to give his head a big wobble.

You need to keep on doing what you're doing. You do not have to adjust your ambition or scale back your commitment on either work or home front to assuage the feelings of an immature man. You're more disciplined and more competent and thus more successful than he is, and if he feels bad about that, then he needs to do better himself.

They have a nanny.
The OP pays for the nanny.
The OP also gets their lives organised when she's off duty.

What chaos are you talking about?

He is getting some of this though as you literally took him along!

His heart clearly isn't as in it as he said or he would have jumped at the chances you gave him years ago. This isn't on you and it's more about him feeling unhappy. I read a study which said that men almost always struggle to feel happy for their wife when they outperform them in almost any area! Men easily have damaged egos, probably due to societal conditioning.

I think you are being far too generous in your descrption of him.

He has had multiple opportunities:

• could have afforded training but prioritised cars and casinos
• kept stopping and starting PPL which you helped him with - 6 yrs rather than 6 months
• you've also listed a lot of other help you've given him in 2 of your posts.

You cover all bills.
He has a nanny and his aunt helping him.

He soubds like he's jealous - wants all that you have achived but not willing to put in the hardeork and effort you did. He sounds lazy and ill disciplined.

That's bad enough but know he's lerting resentment build and is jealous rather than supportive.

He has finances (well yours) and massive support (you, nanny, aunt) to pursue almost anything but it's easier squander his opportunities and resent you than get up off his arse and achieve something, fulfilling himself.