I'm so sad for my husband

[Jaynewayd]

Unsure what i want to get out of this post but maybe some advice or to just vent.

Three young children - youngest being 1.

My husband works for himself from home.

I work away. I went back to work when the baby was 3 months old. I'm away in a different country four / five days a week and back two or three. Then away again. So pretty much full time. On the side of this, I have some side businesses. So we both work HARD.

My husband is struggling. He's really unhappy. He feels left behind. I can see it in his eyes.

He's always wanted to do something different as a career. But what he wants to do cost a FORTUNE to become. And now in his mid 40s hes starting to realise he may never be able to do it

I LOVE my job but said I could give it up to stay with the kids whilst he trains. But obviously financially that doesn't work. We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. But then what , live in rented for a few years and build ourselves back up?! He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help. But it's sad how in 2026, people who work this hard still just scrape by!

I'm just so sad for him. He works so hard. Such a good dad. He just deserves more than what hes doing now and I can't help him. Every time I leave the house for work, I can see how sad he is but will never tell me. Its breaking my heart :-(

Stop thinking about fixing this man. He can find a career coach and brainstorm ways to shake off his mid life funk. He can stop being jealous of your competence and drive and success - you can't fix that and should t be considering quitting just so that he can feel better about himself.

Do not quit your job.

You recently made captain. Did his sadness peak at that point?

Or are you feeling guilty for some reason for 'making your life all about you', which someone upthread accused you of, as if that is something a woman should never do?

OP, get a few therapy sessions for yourself.
If you were my daughter I would give you a shake at your even thinking of doing anything to compromise what you have achieved.

He sounds so spoiled and entitled.
How are you not getting the ick?

He is jealous of your successes that you worked extremely hard for but he is taking the shine off it because even though you have guided and helped him he kept losing interest.
You had your third child because he wanted another but now that’s not enough.
You have more than enough childcare so he can wfh plus go to gym and meet friends.
If he had your career it wouldn’t be enough and he’d be mourning he never got to be Lewis Hamilton.
Don’t jeopardise your career over him nor feel guilty for his own failings.

A nanny from when till when?

He's clearly a bit of an adrenaline junky with the cars and casinos.

Now he's come down to earth and his inflated sense of self cannot cope with the Pilot Captain wife.

He is completely ego driven.

You need to be very careful of making any decisions to satisfy his ego that would be completely against the best interests of your children.

I work in aviation Although im in crew side i think it the same with flight deck. Once your in it will be difficult to leave it. It is life , lifestyle. You will complain hours job but wont leave it. I was doing the job when i was single and no kids. Now when i had kids needed to move another country and resigned my job. I don't think would be easy for you to resigned till you get a replacement job . Company wouldn't give you a long annual leave, as you can be easily replaced by any new pilot. Have you consider working different country , or he will be doing training in different country in lower cost and you can still do you job as an expat. ?

Do not leave your job, I’m crew for BA too and luckily my partner works for us too so I know part of how you’re feeling . The lifestyle is completely different to normal life and after doing it for 15 years I couldn’t not do it either. I think if your husbands applied many times and got rejected it’s time to face facts that maybe he’s not good enough and needs to accept it. I found growing up most of my friends wanted to be pilots it’s normal but most don’t become one. My partner did too but he’s an engineer. Could your husband apply for something like that so he’s airline based but obviously not flight deck?

It sounds to me like you have been the go getter in your relationship and he has been the more complacent one. Which is great as it has worked for you. You have a nanny and his Aunt so he isn’t doing “everything”. My guess is that he is a bit bored of his life when you are away and wishes he had done what you did and grabbed the opportunity years ago. Mid life crisis really is a thing.
I think you are fab. I fly all the time and hate every single second. Is it really true that pilots and crew love turbulence so they don’t have to serve passengers etc

Ask the OP?

She has said he has the time and opportunity to get out with friends and go to the gym. His aunt moves in when the OP is away too.

So many women all buzzing around supporting this man as he works from home at a business that is not doing very well and gets out to enjoy a social life and keep fit...

Rubbish! The kids are fine. One parent is always there, they have a nanny, and OP's earning power will give her kids big advantages, both now and in the future. With the dreadful cost of living and the utterly, utterly insane price of housing, that is not a small thing.

I have read research that says it's the quality of the parental relationship that matters, not whether a nanny or the mum or the dad gives them their lunch etc. I have also known people who have high-powered mums and they are proud of them, even if they work long hours. Plus OP also has a lot of down time.

And I'll take your word for it that you would say similar to a man, but you're unusual because no one EVER EVER says to a man that he's selfish for having a high-powered career and being away, even when his wife works too. That sort of sexist crap is reserved for women and women alone in our society.

I think we worship kids too much. They'll be just fine if the nanny takes them to soft play and watches Baby Shark with them for three-quarters of the week, and their parents the rest of the time. They have two parents who have the money to make their lives much better than if OP gave up her job. Money matters, especially in our straitened times.

I wish more women were in roles like OP's. Then more men would simply have to step up. Part of the reason men are still so useless is because us women still sacrifice their earning power for the family unit. And I don't see that sacrifice repaid with low levels of cheating and other abuse, do you? Grrrrrrrr..........

I know, that occurred to me too. His wife is away with work a lot, so he has a nanny, his mother, and his aunt helping him! 🤣🤣🤣 Can you imagine the other way round? I sympathise with his career predicament, but this is just such a great example of male privilege. Can you imagine a grandfather helping on a regular basis and an uncle moving in to help a working mum who had a nanny?? The very thought is preposterous!

@Jaynewayd Apologies; I misread. It's just his aunt who moves in when you're away, he doesn't have help from both aunt and his own mum.

Still, though, I'm cackling at the thought of a man having two lots of help when most working women have no extra help at all, if their kids are school-age.

If he can't get through the BA selection process, despite having a PPL and your mentorship etc., it does rather suggest that he's not good enough at this particular thing.

I think he needs to think of other ways to bring meaning to his life, whether that's developing his current business, doing something else, or doing either of those plus finding meaningful things outside work. You could help him with thinking of other things, and maybe point him in the direction of a life coach and a counsellor. Also, buy him the book STUMBLING UPON HAPPINESS. It's about how humans are really really bad at choosing what will make us happy.

@Jaynewayd im in a very similar position to you.

i have the higher earning job, DH has his own business which has always ticked along but never massive revenue. He wishes he could really develop one part of the business so it generates significant income but it's such a hard slog. I see him working away, but not really able to make much progress.

do keep an eye on your DHs mental health, as I'm sure you know if anyone shows signs of MH fragility, it could signal a big issue,

DH to some extent feels left behind, he's totally supporting of me being successful in my career, and I wish things could really accelerate for him but I don't think the economic conditions are right, it's sooo tough out there.

Don't burn your hard won career down to appease your husband with his unfulfilled and unworked for dreams. You could cope without him albeit not without some pain and maybe moving to a live in nanny. He is of the age where after angsting after things he never bothered to do, he might think the answer is to run off with a younger woman after taking up riding a motorbike or whatever mid-life men do when they are dissatisfied with their life. Keep your career going strong because maybe his business has had its time or maybe he just needs to put more effort into it given his very agreeable lifestyle which you are largely funding.

Couldn’t you get a different job where you don’t have to be away from home so much? You’re making a choice.

Op re bucket list paces don't you get air miles and can take him or all of you ?

@ForCosyLion that's so true

Do not sell your children’s home.

Op if it was possible though what would happen with you both away flying ?

If my husband worked a job that pulled him away from home for most of the week and we had 3 small children, I would hope I wouldn’t be expected to work too! Bloody hell that sounds awful. Hope you give him a break when you get home OP!

Would youbhave sympathy if the roles wrre reversed?

I haven't read through everything but what jumps out is that he is working from home whilst looking after three young children(including a baby) whilst his partner is gone 4/5 days a week doing his dream job.
I dont think there would be many people thrilled about that balance in the relationship. Does he have lots of help/family local?
I can't believe that resentment wouldn't build. He must be exhausted.

Is there another area of aviation he could be interested in? Air traffic control or even air force? That way he’d still be involved but not competing with you as even if he did become a pilot, he’d always be a step behind you.

Don’t kid yourself. I know many women with husbands that work away and there’s nothing ‘lucky’ about being the one left to struggle alone juggling work and childcare. Lonely too on your own night after night. And if your husband works alone at home his opportunities for other adult interaction must be negligible. I would hate it.

As far as advice goes - even if your DH could get pilot training, it surely would be impossible for you to both be pilots with a young family? But it sounds like a new job / career would be good for him, especially if it gets him out of the house.

I get that long, unsociable hours are part and parcel of being a pilot, but are there any adjustments you could make to lesson your time away? Could you move closer to the airport? Or start working from a different airport? And the side hustles you mentioned - are these really necessary? How much time do you spend on them?