I'm so sad for my husband

[Jaynewayd]

Unsure what i want to get out of this post but maybe some advice or to just vent.

Three young children - youngest being 1.

My husband works for himself from home.

I work away. I went back to work when the baby was 3 months old. I'm away in a different country four / five days a week and back two or three. Then away again. So pretty much full time. On the side of this, I have some side businesses. So we both work HARD.

My husband is struggling. He's really unhappy. He feels left behind. I can see it in his eyes.

He's always wanted to do something different as a career. But what he wants to do cost a FORTUNE to become. And now in his mid 40s hes starting to realise he may never be able to do it

I LOVE my job but said I could give it up to stay with the kids whilst he trains. But obviously financially that doesn't work. We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. But then what , live in rented for a few years and build ourselves back up?! He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help. But it's sad how in 2026, people who work this hard still just scrape by!

I'm just so sad for him. He works so hard. Such a good dad. He just deserves more than what hes doing now and I can't help him. Every time I leave the house for work, I can see how sad he is but will never tell me. Its breaking my heart :-(

And … what was his response?

Maybe he can find something else he would like to do. I can't see how it would work if you were both pilots? Good on you though OP, amazing!

As his business is tanking he should focus on that instead of piggy backing on OP’s dreams.

He wanted 3 and he has a lot of help with them. I think he's fine, enjoy your career!

To side step, and to call on personal experience, might be worth just working on the day to day things for him too. My partner works away a lot, we have 3 kids, it’s really bloody lonely, I can easily go 48 hours without talking to another adult. Ignoring the career goals for the moment, I think maybe he could be proactive in making his current day to day life more improved? And then he might feel better in general.

Your husband is an extremely lucky man. A wife who loves and supports him, a family, an excellent financial position compared to many and a home.
Rather than feel sad for him, you'd do better to encourage him to see all the fabrastic things he does have rather than looking past them to mourn one opportunity not open to him because he made other choices when the time was right. If his dream isn't practical, frankly he needs to let it go and find another, like most of us have to in one area or another of our lives.
I think the best favour you can do him is encourage him to see that, focus on the joys his life does hold and pick a goal to work towards that's achievable.

I don’t think it’s his dream. If it was he would have done a lot more to achieve it. It’s probably midlife or just life crisis speaking.

he needs to go to a life coach or therapist to figure out what he wants to do.

if not, I found a book called Design Your Life hugely helpful to understand what makes you tick and what job would be interesting. It is written by Stanford professors based on their Stanford uni course.

good luck!

I think he’s made it clear that you working away as much as you do isn’t working for him. I know it’s hard to hear when it’s contrary to your wants.

I think when you have children, compromises always have to be made. Can you reduce your hours so you’re only away max 3 days a week? and pick up more hours either locally or on your side hustle? Full time abroad isn’t fair on anyone, whether you’re the woman or man. Your partner needs you, but also your kids. My dad used to work away a lot when I was growing up and we’re still distant now. It’s hard to properly bond with someone who’s hardly ever around.

I think your husband also has to be realistic. Training to be a pilot in your 40s seems pie in the sky to me. And then who would be around for any of the kids when you’re both jet setting away? Most people can’t pursue their dream jobs, I think he needs to be more realistic and look for an employed position that offers a better salary but also the flexibility you need to sustain your job.

It’s hard to compromise but I do think it’s needed. I would hate to be left alone with the kids 5 out of 7 days and having to juggle work with pick ups, chores etc whilst my partner is off somewhere in the world.

Sorry OP forgot to say - you are uber cool! Congratulations on such an amazing career!

My initial thought was pilot too!
My dad is still training at 72 and DH is well on his way to full licence at 42.
it isn't cheap, but it's so worth it!

Is this made up? I want to be queen but I'm not. Loads of people find work dull. He's got tonnes of help, a social life, goes to the gym, three kids. If you're that sad, reduce your hours.

(I’m so sorry I have no constructive advice) but you sound Bad Ass!💪🏼 I love it when women break the societal norm and go into careers like this.

I've tried raising it to work but it's pretty much a flat out no. I can be more part time but there's risks to my career at my age doing that. I can't really go into it too much on a public forum but when I'm late 50s, it would be an option.

I'm the youngest female captain they've had on long haul and I can't risk pushing it too much.

The longest I'm away is 5 days but it is usually 3 or 4 then home for 3. So half the month I'm home. If that makes sense

Thank you so much!!!!

My husband is an airline pilot. It’s about the most family unfriendly job you can have with the way the roster works, standbys, reserve etc.

The only way he can do it is by me always being the available one to be there for the kids when he is down route at any time of the day and night. I have a professional career myself that I’ve worked hard at too but it always has to come second to his damn job.

Tbh it has caused a lot of resentment over the years. I try v hard not to be bitter about it but it really gets me down.

Thank you so much !!!! ✈️

OP, what really struck me about your post was this:

"He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help"

He shared with you that his business isn't doing as well? You say this like you aren't a couple? What do you mean he shared with you? Do you not know how much money you are each bringing to the marriage?

And then you stepped in to "help"? This is your family income, you don't "help" your husband financially - surely his money is your money, your money is his money?

I feel like this may be part of the bigger picture here - your husband finds it hard to share with you when the business isn't going well, and you see investing into his (the family) business as "helping" him out. There's a power imbalance here, and it's little wonder your husband is sad.

A very common story.

I disagree. My DH works away for sometimes many months at a time and we have a great relationship, although of course we miss each other.

You're reading into that way too much. His business is his business. I have no clue how much his material costs. What his business postage is, who he needs to pay, who his suppliers are.

He came to me once and said he couldn't pay a material bill. So I paid it for him. He has his own business bank account that he runs that through. We have a shared personal account.

Hope that's ok for you. Didn't need the grilling on this!

I agree with you. I do think some distance is good for relationships. Our relationship is amazing! X

Sorry you're going through this. I know that's how my husband is feeling too. Just unsure what I can do to fix it without quitting my job!

😂😂

Agree! Why would you know the ins and outs of his business?

Yup, irony is my job is more lucrative than his yet I’m the one juggling the childcare to keep it going whilst he swans off to wherever without a worry safe in the knowledge I have to be available. I hate it