I'm so sad for my husband

[Jaynewayd]

Unsure what i want to get out of this post but maybe some advice or to just vent.

Three young children - youngest being 1.

My husband works for himself from home.

I work away. I went back to work when the baby was 3 months old. I'm away in a different country four / five days a week and back two or three. Then away again. So pretty much full time. On the side of this, I have some side businesses. So we both work HARD.

My husband is struggling. He's really unhappy. He feels left behind. I can see it in his eyes.

He's always wanted to do something different as a career. But what he wants to do cost a FORTUNE to become. And now in his mid 40s hes starting to realise he may never be able to do it

I LOVE my job but said I could give it up to stay with the kids whilst he trains. But obviously financially that doesn't work. We talked about selling the house to use some money from it. But then what , live in rented for a few years and build ourselves back up?! He shared with me recently that his business isn't doing as well as it used to and he was struggling to make some payments. Obviously I stepped in to help. But it's sad how in 2026, people who work this hard still just scrape by!

I'm just so sad for him. He works so hard. Such a good dad. He just deserves more than what hes doing now and I can't help him. Every time I leave the house for work, I can see how sad he is but will never tell me. Its breaking my heart :-(

And don't forget the mother-figure aunt who moves in to help when OP is away. So it doesn't matter what hours the Nanny works, he's never on his own with his kids.

Wow. You have overcome some real challenges OP. DH was away a lot while our DC were young. I didn’t have a nanny or family support. He has a job as well.

Honestly I think he needs to work on his approach to life rather than the support/situation. There are phases of life when you knuckle down and get on with it, looking forward to the flexibility you’ll be able to have in a few years when everyone is at school/sleeps through the night or whatever else the current stressor is.

Reassure him it’s not forever, he still has time to focus on his work goals and reassess his work situation.
I’m not really sure what more he needs, given he has full time childcare and you cover the bills. He basically has the freedom to get on with his business or career plans by day already, and gets to keep what he earns.

Having read more of your posts I now have zero sympathy for your H. He had never ‘always wanted to be a pilot’ had he? As he wasn’t working towards it when you met. He just thought it sounded glam and fun when he saw you doing it. But he never put the consistent hard work in but instead made the free choice to party, have fun and spend his money on luxuries.

Now he has all the privilege of a high earning partner who covers the bills, pays for a nanny, a mum to help out, time for hobbies , the memories of his high fun youth and he’s still not happy. Because he’s whining like a child about the ‘more’ he mistakenly thinks he deserves.

The bits of his life he does not like are on him, due to his free choices.

The good things in his life are on you, due to your choices and hard work.

He needs to grow up, accept responsibility, and learn gratitude for his unearned good fortune.

Regardless of who is the career smashing parent in this situation, the balance of power is very unbalanced. One parent has everything, one has no chance. I can quite understand the DH’s frustrations. My DH and I are in the same field - we were pretty level pegging in terms of grade and pay until we had DC. Then he had his flexible working request turned down and my (public sector) employer offered me all sorts of flexible working options. For about 12 years I worked part time, came off OOH call rotas etc to spend more time at home with small DC. Which was lovely, but very frustrating to watch DH’s career escalate while mine stagnated - particularly as I knew how he did what he did. Also a field that sends you away for a few days a week, so I had all the childcare, mental load, parents mtgs, swimming lessons, dentist appts etc.

As soon as my youngest child started high school I applied for more senior roles, that I was more than ready for, and have now made up a lot of that lost ground. (It took 12 applications and 6 interviews). However, I was 50 by the time I could do this. I get that this is old for pilots, and this approach is unlikely to work for @Jaynewayd’s DH. I’m just giving this example as sympathy to him. I don’t know what the answer is. I know 3 pilots who’ve all been divorced 3 times. It doesn’t feel like a profession that can support a family where the other parent has any modicum of ambition.

@Jaynewayd i think it’s unfair the grilling you are receiving.
If this was roles reversed the women had financial security , her own business , time with friends , went to the gym .dh was home half the week and picked up ALL the slack , Had a nanny AND a family member stay while the DH was away she would be told to give her head a wobble .

Your dh helped make these babies , he knew your job and what you hoped to achieve in your career . He also chose his past and blew his money playing around .
Most of us have regrets as we get older . He is full of Envy which he must get over or risk his marriage . He should look at what he has and not what he could have had .

You have also gave him every opportunity to try and achieve “his dream” which I am unsure is even his dream or just he sees his wife doing it and wants part of that .
You are not responsible for him and his happiness . You have chased up one more lead for him. I’d make that my last .
No more talk of giving up your job or moving your life . I know you wouldn’t want to split but if that’s what happened he would be in a much worse position and you would see the kids half the week like you already do .

Enjoy what you have achieved! Its about time your husband let you without putting a damper on it .

Have you read any of the thread, let alone RTFT?

OP pays for a full-time Nanny.

His mother-figure aunt moves in to help too when OP is away.

He gets to wfh, go to the gym, out with friends etc, whenever he wants.

When OP is home she takes over and does everything with/for the kids.

And OP pays all the bills.

It's really not awful at all.

Find a diffferent job that doesnt have you leaving him alone 4-5 days a week with small children.

No, you clearly haven’t read through everything. If you had you would see that there is a full-time nanny and an aunt who moves in to help out while OP is away. He is able to socialise with friends and go to the gym so he isn’t some poor hardworking, exhausted victim.

Loads of women are married to high flying men (no pun intended) and do all the childcare - no nannies or older relatives living in to support either and no one has any sympathy for them or expects their dh to curtail their career so they can follow their dreams. Your partner’s midlife crisis isn’t a sign that you should throw away all your hard work - women aren’t put on this earth to facilitate men. He’s presumably a competent adult and if he really wanted to (what with the nanny and the aunt helping with the dc when you’re not there and then you doing everything when you are there), he could do pretty much anything he wanted anyway. He’s choosing to not make the most of his life and it will be easier to blame you and your career than to face up to his own inaction.

Many many women are in the same situation as your DH and their partners don't care because they're supposed to put up with it because they're women.

Yes, yes, this is me (without the nanny and any childcare at all and consequently no social life). So I'd say your DH is winning just because you care and he has quite a lot of support, but obviously that's not the same as you being there.

Obviously there are limits on what can be done as you get older but if you're willing to sit down and brainstorm options - start out putting everything on the table including you working less and work through the financial consequences of that. I'm sure perhaps you can figure out something that works better for you both. It might not be his dream job, but it might well be better than the status quo and simply the fact that you're willing to compromise and care about how he feels will mean a lot.

What I will say, being in more or less the same situation, is don't underestimate the loss of confidence that happens in this situation. If I had a supportive partner it would make all the difference, but I don't.

I hope you find a solution that works better for you all.

Edited to add: I don't think you should throw your career away OP, however you should think first about what looks like ideal for you. Do you like being away so much? What is possible in terms of changing your working patterns? And then talk from that point. I think your DH is lucky to have you because you obviously care so much about his happiness.

You obviously haven't read most of OP'posts.

She pays for a full-time Nanny (as well as all the bills), and his mother-figure aunt moves in to help too.

He got the children he really really wanted, runs his own business (which isn't doing so well and OP has financially helped out with), and still goes to the gym, out with friends etc, whenever he wants.

And OP takes over all kid stuff when she gets home.

He's not exhausted from doing it all.
He's regretful for not making the most of his own opportunities re flying when he could, and now he's not good enough (failed BA recruitment process multiple times).

Given that he's had the opportunity to become a pilot before and chose not to, and took so long to do the licence training, I'd be concerned that if you made changes to make it a possibility again, he wouldn't actually do it.

If his business isn't doing well, maybe a change there would be where to look. Him becoming a flight instructor sounds like a reasonable and achievable aim.

If you're doing 3 days on and 3 days off most of the time, you'll be at home for a similar amount of time as lots of parents with more regular 9-5 type jobs. Along with having a Nanny and live-in family support, it sounds like a good set-up to me!

Are you awake?

It would have been helpful if you mentioned nanny and aunty in the OP.

@Jaynewayd congratulations on your career success, which you’ve obviously worked incredibly hard for. FWIW I and my H are planning a similar work rotation (for him) of 4 on and away, 4 off at home. We think it’ll work well for us, so I disagree with pp who say that this structure itself is damaging your relationship- it doesn’t have to and it sounds as if it’s not the work pattern that’s the issue.

I do wonder that despite the love between you, your H is increasingly envious of your career success. He seem to have had previous success in his business, not invested either his money or his consistent effort into achieving what he claims to be his goal, and now he wants what you have because he can see you with it. And at the same time, his earlier success is slipping away and maybe he realised he let opportunities slip by when he was younger. Does that sound accurate?

What you do about this is trickier. Resentment (whether justified or not) is toxic to relationships so it’s important to see what the two of you can do to resolve this. Does your H want to keep working? Would (could) he want to be a FT parent and sell his business? If not, maybe an appointment with a career or life coach would be useful so he can talk through what actually brings him joy and what he wants his working life to look like. At the moment perhaps he can only see your working life and think he wants exactly that, but of course he can’t have it, and as he never really pushed for it when he had the chance, I wonder if he isn’t really that keen on it in reality. It’s a fantasy, and is offering a reason to feel discontented.

You sound amazing 🤩
My youngest would love to be a pilot and has had a couple of flight experiences in light aircraft for birthdays.
You are living your husband (and my sons) dream.
Do you think your DH would be any happier if his business was successful? If so, I would gently suggest a career coach to focus his mind and sharpen his business.
Possibly he feels he is living in your shadow as your are clearly very successful and his business is floundering.
Is it the not being a pilot or the lack of business success that is causing the issue deep down?
Either way, you sound incredibly supportive, and I would suggest some sort of professional career coach to either improve his current business, help him make the leap to pilot or explore other avenues.

OP it sounds like you're already doing all you can to help. Presumably this has always been your career so this was factored in when thinking of having children.
My DH works away during the week often, and does far less at home than you do - and I also hate my job (I work nearly full time too). However I need this job to earn what I do, to provide a comfortable life outside of work. Same for him - I wouldn't want him to give up or compromise his career for me, as he is also the main breadwinner so without his salary we couldn't enjoy the quality of life we do now - we dont have to worry too much about meals out, booking a weekend away, or buying the things we want as well as what we need.
And we don't have a nanny either! I actually think your DH has it pretty good. If he's unhappy then what would HE like to do about it? He needs to be realistic, retraining doesn't sound like it will work for your family.
I have often thought about restraining, and have been searching actively for other jobs, many of which I would love - but are just not feasible due to the drop in pay, so I have instead put the children in after school club one extra day a week so I have time for a fulfilling hobby.

Hats off to you 🤩Respectfully,if your DH has been refused a few times surely it has to be due to the process deeming him to be unsuitable to take his flying ambition further. He has done well to pass his ppl. Would he be content with joining a flying club. I dont know what that entails or the costs etc involved but it sounds like a option.

Given he has been refused the opportunity to take it further I would concentrate on helping him to accept this & find his contentment in life within his privileged position as a father & business man.

Does digging holes involve a shovel?

I think you've explored every option and him becoming a pilot clearly would only work if you massively sacrificed your career and you sold your house - so not a realistic or sensible option for you. Your first job is to help him accept that that is not a runner and come to terms with reality.

The danger is that he is dissipating his energies on a dream when he has the chance to build a new business or improve the one he's got. He is still young, has his health and is well supported by you and his rather saintly auntie - I wonder if he realises how fortunate he actually is and what opportunities he has right now to build something for the future?

You sound awesome by the way - you've built a successful career, are a hands on mother when you're home, a thoughtful wife but you are not responsible for your husband's feelings too.

So he had the chance for the career he wanted but blew the fees for training on drink, casinos and fast cars? AND HE wanted the 3rd child? So he had his chance and blew it - now he is unhappy - not your fault. YOU sound amazing!

Could he do an engineering degree- there’s demand for engineers -he’d get work abroad. Perhaps rotating in and out of somewhere.

You can't be responsible for his lack of fulfilment. He needs to think about what he wants to do and come up with workable plan. You making yourself smaller is never a solution. You can support him within reason to find more fulfilment. That's about it. You trained hard, work hard, he has a nanny doing the childcare while you're away and you doing it when you're home. These are decisions you took together and there is no traditional gender imbalance that made it less of a true choice.

Op none of this is your responsibility emotionally to fix. A lot of people hit a common garden variety mid life crisis. He just needs to get on with it and stop moping about 🙄

I agree it is selfish. And while I think its unpopular I think its more selfish of a mother of a 3months old than it is ofa father. Do I think its fair? No, its not. But a small baby needs a mother more than anyone else.

People outside of your industry have no clue what your options re changing jobs are so its up to you to think about.