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Original poster

What is fair in this situation?

129 replies

Swellingtonboots · 17/04/2026 06:55

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years. We don’t live together and have no plans to as we both have children still at home.

He stays over at my house two to three nights a week. I have a small mortgage and he rents. I very rarely stay at his as he lives an hour away and I don’t drive. I’ve maybe stayed over at his a couple of times a year.

He pays for 98 percent of meals out/ days out and dates. If we go away for the weekend or on holiday we pay for our own half.

I earn about £20,000 and he earns £50,000. He stayed over this week and used my electricity to charge his laptop and phone, showered and enjoyed my cooking and it got me wondering if he should be contributing at all to the household bills in some way. I’m not sure if that would even be reasonable or how I would even bring it up! Maybe I’m overthinking it.

I know his rent is double what I pay for my mortgage and he also must spend a lot on petrol driving to and from his area to make the effort to see me. He is an amazing partner. Kind, supportive and thoughtful. He always washes up after I cook etc

Would love some advice.
Thanks

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 17/04/2026 06:59

If he pays for meals out and dates, and makes the effort to come to you, it would be utterly unreasonable to charge him to come visit you!

ThatFairy · 17/04/2026 06:59

I don't really think you should take money from him. Charging his laptop, having showers doesn't really add up to much does it ? Plus as you say he pays for dates and days out

IwanttoWFH · 17/04/2026 07:01

I’d say the money he spends on meals/days out and petrol far outweighs the small use of electricity and hot water. Plus, would you not be cooking for yourself anyway?

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SoScarletItWas · 17/04/2026 07:04

Nooooo!

Charging the devices will be pennies. Unless he’s having hour-long showers twice a day, that won’t make much difference either.

Do you eat out/get takeaway some of the time he’s over? Sounds like he’d pay most of the meals out if you were.

And yes, fuel is getting very expensive so I’m sure his hour’s drive more than ‘equates to’ his charging and showers.

The only small impact will be extra food for an adult on the two/three days.

On balance, though, he certainly doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything more than being willing to come over and put in most of the effort to get together.

I wouldn’t raise it.

Not least because it sounds so horribly transactional. I would be hurt if I thought we were in a nice relationship as you describe and they basically wanted to charge me for the time I came to their place.

RoyalPenguin · 17/04/2026 07:05

The current arrangement sounds fair to me . It would be different if he lived around the corner, but as he's having to drive for an hour and pay for petrol then it seems reasonable for you to pay for electricity and an extra portion of food.

GlovedhandsCecilia · 17/04/2026 07:07

So if he said "ok, instead, I will come to you half as much as I do, and you come to me instead half of the time", what would happen?

You'd just see each other less, right? Because you can't get to him.

Who gave you the idea that charging your partner to stay with you would be a normal or reasonable expectation?

CocoaTea · 17/04/2026 07:15

I think YABU and I am not sure why you are thinking in this way - does he eat a lot of food? Or are you struggling financially in your own way?

I really don’t think you have a leg to stand on to be honest. The cost of the fuel alone to get to you will be a massive expense for him, especially at the moment. And you don’t drive so there is zero chance of future reciprocation is there really?

He washes up, pays for his share of holidays, pays for days out / dates and comes to you all the time.

If I was doing all that in the context of a
happy relationship and you tried to bill me for washing my body and charging my laptop/phone I would end things.

Jellybunny98 · 17/04/2026 07:19

Very unreasonable to even think about charging him for charging his devices yes!

Overthebow · 17/04/2026 07:19

He pays for meals and days out, and come to yours which saves you having to travel to his when you don’t drive. I’d say he is more then paying his fair share.

Nowvoyager99 · 17/04/2026 07:19

No I really don’t think so.

RoseField1 · 17/04/2026 07:21

Absolutely the fuck not. Are you ok?

MiddleAgedDread · 17/04/2026 07:22

YABVU

newornotnew · 17/04/2026 07:23

This seems quite petty, is there something deeper going on here?

Upsetbetty · 17/04/2026 07:23

No. He’s stays at yours because there’s no other option is there. Forget about what he earns it’s a moot point.
imagine if someone wrote a thread “my boyfriend can’t drive so I drive to him and stay 2-3 days a week, I pay for most dates and now he wants me to pay towards his electricity too!”

ProudAmberTurtle · 17/04/2026 07:24

He pays for all your meals, drives everywhere and pays his own rent when he isn't a high earner but you want to charge him rent because he charges his phone at yours?

Did you know that, on average, charging a phone up every day costs you about £2 a year in electricity?

Harhar · 17/04/2026 07:27

Definitely charge him for electricity and water. Then pay half for meals out and his petrol costs to and from yours.

WorkCleanRepeat · 17/04/2026 07:28

He's saving you a fortune on meals out and travel. Not to mention the commute time it would take for you to visit him as you dont drive.

YABVU

ToadRage · 17/04/2026 07:29

If he doesn't live with you, he doesn't need to contribute. For the time he is there he is your guest. I have charged my phone and kindle at others people houses and have never been asked to.contribite to their electricity for that.

CocoaTea · 17/04/2026 07:31

newornotnew · 17/04/2026 07:23

This seems quite petty, is there something deeper going on here?

Thank you for saying this.

I genuinely wondered if there was more to it. Otherwise, if there is nothing else behind it, the OP’s line of thinking is VVVVU at first glance.

CocoaTea · 17/04/2026 07:32

Harhar · 17/04/2026 07:27

Definitely charge him for electricity and water. Then pay half for meals out and his petrol costs to and from yours.

OP will be out of pocket from
the fuel bill alone.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 17/04/2026 07:35

Do you generally look at men as cash cows, OP? Because this suggestion seems wildly unreasonable.

DinosaurBlue · 17/04/2026 07:35

He pays for most this, and makes the effort to come to you, and now you want more.

How about you make things more fair by paying your way more and travelling to him, if fairness matters so much to you.

MindaBelinda · 17/04/2026 07:36

Yes I think if you’re starting to resent him charging devices or having a shower at yours due to the cost then you are possibly losing interest in him. I can’t imagine thinking like this unless I was incredibly skint and could barely pay my bills.

Original poster
Swellingtonboots · 17/04/2026 07:40

Nothing wrong at all, we are very happy together. I guess with the cost of living increasing and especially the cost of food it got me thinking. I am a very low earner and everything seems tough at the moment. Thank you for the advice. I definitely won’t bring it up with him now.

OP posts:
PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 17/04/2026 07:41

Sure ask him … not !!!! Go back in your diary and calculate how much he has spent on days out and meals - I think you should be very grateful…. Meals out are expensive. That is where the saying Don’t bite the hand that feeds you; comes from.