Police action after 101 call has left us separated and struggling financially

[PotatoSalad12]

Long story short! I completed a 101 form last week looking for advice regarding my home situation. I was hoping for signposting as following years of repeated behaviours, I decided I finally needed some support. Bad idea as the police took it as serious allegations and I met a threshold with the words I used on the form. They decided it was an arrestsble offence and after much to-ing and fro-ing, they eventually arrested my husband four days later.

He was released on bail in the early hours of Saturday morning. His phones (work and personal) have been retained by the police. He was escorted back to our house in order to collect his belongings and then had to leave. His conditions are no direct or indirect contact with me for 90 days and not to visit our house or "the area on the bail map" for the same time.

Over and over again I have told the police this is not the outcome I wanted, I would never have contacted them for advice if this was to be the outcome. I have even put in writing that I retract everything I have ever said to them.
The problem I now have is I cannot contact him or find out where he is. We have two primary aged children who cannot understand what is happening and I'm just telling them he's staying with a friend while trying to hold it all together.
My next biggest worry is finances. While I was the main income earner, his salary helped substantially towards the upkeep of the house. I am not going to be able to afford all of our bills over the next three months and I don't want to end up evicted or in council tax arrears because of this situation. The police never return my calls or emails and I learned yesterday that I have got a social worker coming to visit me and the children this afternoon.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do? I desperately want my husband back but I can also fully understand that he doesn't know the entire situation and just sees it as me requesting his arrest, restrictions and potential sentencing when it couldn't be more opposite from the truth.

The charges I mentioned earlier in the thread are what the police interpreted from the account I gave. They are not specific words that I have ever used.

They took it upon themselves to protect your children, as obviously you and your husband do not care enough about them.

I cannot begin to explain how terrible it would be for everyone all round if you take him back.

You poor children are obviously the ones I feel the most sorry for but your DH only has to step one foot out of place and he’ll be sent straight to prison - if your relationship is toxic and you know that there is a chance he could act inappropriately again, then why risk him being at home, not just for yours and the kids sake but for his own sake too.

This is the wake up call that both of you need.
You are no healthy for each other.
It’s time to put the children first.

Another awful thing to say. What is wrong with Mumsnet this evening?

"I had hoped the police would have helped signpost me when I contacted them. I read an article about how the police had apprehended an individual doing similar things to what I was going through. At the end of the article it clearly said "if you would like advice or want to talk things through you can contact 101" (or words to that effect). So that's what I did, and this is what's happened."

So, your original post was you contacted the police and your husband was removed from your home. You wanted your husband / partner to be apprended? And then, when the police took action, said it was blown out of proportion?

Please contact Womens Aid https://womensaid.org.uk/

I thought that was a powerful and spot on post

Quite.

Fully agree

Telling a victim of abuse who is possibly in the worst spot in her life that she doesn't care about her children?

Care “enough”

"Bad idea as the police took it as serious allegations and I met a threshold with the words I used on the form. They decided it was an arrestsble offence and after much to-ing and fro-ing, they eventually arrested my husband four days later.

The charges I mentioned earlier in the thread are what the police interpreted from the account I gave. They are not specific words that I have ever used."

@PotatoSalad12 I also wonder if somehow you have normalised some pretty awful behaviour? I wouldn't even think of filling out a police form about my DH, wouldn't have anything to write on it, and nothing I could write could be misinterpreted to trigger several grounds of arrest, with a resulting bail condition of no contact for 3 months. That makes me think they have really strong concerns about your wellbeing.

I understand that you really don't want things to change and probably can't imagine life being different. Even if you used stronger language than you intended, you had a reason to do it and there was at least something that triggered that.

I hope you get lots of support.

If you can't get through to CAB then have a look at the Moneyhelper website. It lists all government funded charities who provide debt and benefits advice, not just CAB. Some offer face to face advice.

As parents we have to put our children’s emotional and physical safety first.

OP being desperate to have her partner back, is not doing that.

If there wasn’t kids involved then OP and her DP are free to do whatever they want (even though neither of them are going to come out of this relationship a winner).

But there are kids involved and they need to be put first.

Sometimes it’s impossible to see a situation clearly when you are in it. I understand that you don’t want this and it’s terrifying to think about everything changing. But there was a reason you sent that report and the police have acted like this to protect you. Take this one step at a time and use this breathing space to try to get as much support as you can.
I do sympathise and wish you all the best.

Not read the full thread so maybe this has already been posted but Money Advice have a helpline that provides money advice for victim/survivors of domestic abuse.

Definitely get on entitled to you may get some rent assistance and UC if you earn under £35,000

@Blimblobbarely any violence ???

Barely any violence is still too much more than the No violence, which is the only acceptable level of violence in any relationship! So sorry that you feel you have to accept living like that.

Sorry that should actually be £55000 and you'd still get some help

Yes I know. And that’s why I asked if she could do overtime, rather than tell her she should do overtime.

And where have you got ‘cancelling all their tv etc’ from? I advised her to cancel subscriptions, which could include things like Amazon Prime, monthly cinema passes, magazines and newspapers etc, not chuck the tv in the garden and stare at the walls 🙄

"They took it upon themselves to protect your children, as obviously you and your husband do not care enough about them."

Yes.

Those must've been serious words used in that form op. The police wouldn't do this for no reason. The thing is now social services will be watching and listening to everything you say and do . If you say you want him home and retract everything then you'll be seen as a risk . It sounds like he's abusive and controlling and you're panicking because you're trauma bonded. You'll get through this just keep pushing forward

OP SS allow any perpetrator complete a DA course. It doesn't mean anything other than they understand he is an abuser.

That she doesn't care enough. Perhaps because she's prioritising the great love of her life (who abuses her) over not just her own happiness and wellbeing but theirs as well. Or are you saying that this situation isn't damaging to her children?

Sorry, just to say there are 2 types of bail. Police bail and court bail.

He could be under investigation on police bail not to contact OP and to present at the police station in 90 days to answer bail and not have been charged. Or he could have been charged and given a court date, although in this scenario OP would have been told.

I am guessing that your experience might have been of someone arrested, charged, remanded in police cells and put before the Magistrates Court before being released on bail pending trial or sentence.

Lawyer here
False imprisonment is a huge deal, one of the 'Big 5' and coersive control is also a big one. If this was against you I believe, the Police are doing their job properly and you are better off emotionally without him there. What is your next step?