My abuser and my child's father was convicted of coercive and controlling behaviour and child cruelty. He falsely imprisoned us for long periods as part of the abuse. He tried to kill me repeatedly. He controlled every aspect of our lives in such minute detail it is almost unbelievable. I managed to flee one day. My daughter had just turned 4 years old.
She has been out nearly as long as she was stuck in that house of horrors.... Yet, she has been traumatised and damaged potentially irreparably. She has been in extensive play therapy that I've had to pay for (CAMHS was unable to offer long-term interventions). It is likely she will be in therapy on and off for the rest of her life.
These abusers don't care about anyone but themselves. They completely ruin their children's lives. They don't care if the mother of their children lives or dies. They don't care if their children end up dead either. They just want to have power and control over something to make up for their own inadequacies.
Our perpetrator has been ordered to do a perpetrator's course in prison. It means NOTHING. Look up the statistics for permanent change in abusers who completed such courses.
These men are not safe people to be around, especially for women and children. As a mother, you have to protect your children. Have a search on here or on Reddit for what the now-adult children of abusive fathers and victim mothers say about their mothers who stayed with their abuser. I haven't read one account of an (adult) child who was forced to stay in an abusive home who was glad their mother stayed.
The person you thought you were in love with doesn't even exist. He is just a fantasy that was designed to trap you. Abusers find out information in the early stages of dating and the relationship and mirror that back. They manipulate you into thinking they are 'the one'. They know exactly what they are doing. Love doesn't hurt. Love is safety and stability and respect. You will never truly receive those things from an abuser.
Your children deserve to grow up in a safe, peaceful, loving home where their mother is treated with respect. Take all the courses that are offered to you - the local DA/DV organisation should offer a course for the victim parent. You need to show that you have changed. You need to understand how to support your children through their trauma.
It is really important to show Social Care that you understand what has been happening to your children. By law they are considered victims in their own right because they were growing up in an abusive household, even if they were not directly targeted by their abusive father. You need to show Social Care that you are now able to safeguard your children. You are free now. You have the choice and the power to protect them, which you couldn't do when you were trapped with him. So you need to show that you are able to make child-centred choices now. Part of this also includes supporting the prosecution of the abuser if the CPS decides there is enough evidence to charge him.
If you do not do this, you risk your children ending up on a Child Protection Plan and potentially losing them. He does not deserve any empathy from you. One thing some victims find helpful to do is write down all the bad things their abuser did to them and when they start to feel anything positive towards their abuser, they go back and read those lists.