Police action after 101 call has left us separated and struggling financially

[PotatoSalad12]

Long story short! I completed a 101 form last week looking for advice regarding my home situation. I was hoping for signposting as following years of repeated behaviours, I decided I finally needed some support. Bad idea as the police took it as serious allegations and I met a threshold with the words I used on the form. They decided it was an arrestsble offence and after much to-ing and fro-ing, they eventually arrested my husband four days later.

He was released on bail in the early hours of Saturday morning. His phones (work and personal) have been retained by the police. He was escorted back to our house in order to collect his belongings and then had to leave. His conditions are no direct or indirect contact with me for 90 days and not to visit our house or "the area on the bail map" for the same time.

Over and over again I have told the police this is not the outcome I wanted, I would never have contacted them for advice if this was to be the outcome. I have even put in writing that I retract everything I have ever said to them.
The problem I now have is I cannot contact him or find out where he is. We have two primary aged children who cannot understand what is happening and I'm just telling them he's staying with a friend while trying to hold it all together.
My next biggest worry is finances. While I was the main income earner, his salary helped substantially towards the upkeep of the house. I am not going to be able to afford all of our bills over the next three months and I don't want to end up evicted or in council tax arrears because of this situation. The police never return my calls or emails and I learned yesterday that I have got a social worker coming to visit me and the children this afternoon.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do? I desperately want my husband back but I can also fully understand that he doesn't know the entire situation and just sees it as me requesting his arrest, restrictions and potential sentencing when it couldn't be more opposite from the truth.

I worked for Women's Aid for a time and can't tell you how often I was frustrated that the police would not arrest despite what I perceived, and others perceived, as overwhelming evidence. So if they felt strongly enough to do this, there must be some heavy duty stuff going on to put it bluntly.

I would also say that where there WAS an arrest, it felt like the cops made a big show and arrested, made promises then - the most common result frankly - NFA'd (no further action), the words I dreaded hearing as I knew my clients would feel let down by the system. I'm not saying what I want for you - I don't know you or the situation well enough - but an arrest does not guarantee a conviction. Also, some cases involve very long investigation which can obviously be challenging all round.

It is far too early days to call it and you need professional advice. It's in my nature to want more prosecutions and convictions because I was disappointed by how many cases didn't get those outcomes. That said, this is your life and I think all you can do is trust that you made the report for a reason, and get some support from WA to help you work out what is best for you and the kids.

I do get what you're saying to an extent, you have financial concerns and also work on your case, which does cause stress. My advice is to contact Women's Aid asap if you haven't already (apologies if you already have, my internet is patchy and I haven't been able to load all pages). They will help you navigate the situation.

Go on 'Entitled to' they will will set out everything you are able to claim, then asap get your claims in .

What a load of rubbish. Don’t spout such untruth. He has zero ground for wrongful arrest - the police would have had reasonable suspicion due to her report therefore would not be a wrongful arrest.
op ignore this post it is someone who absolutely doesn’t know what they are talking about and trying to scare you for some reason

Contact the billing people, all of them, explain the situation. I’m sure there will be things they can put in place to help short term.

The police are not going to arrest someone for no reason. It definitely isn’t out of proportion. You reported something, they acted on the information. It is probably scary that it happened so fast. But you contacted them because you needed help.

I'm sorry you find self in such a difficult situation OP 💐
You can contact Child Maintenance Service online to start a CMS claim. They'll also waive the £20 set up fee under your personal circumstances.
They'll be able to make contact with him to get payments set up. There is also a calculator online so if you know his income that will give you some idea of how much you'll get

I have not read the full thread, sorry but if you haven't already find and contact your local IDVA service. The Police should've made an IDVA referral when taking this action to help you navigate through all the things you have raised.

Absolutely this. If you are a union member, ask for support from them, too.
Was your absence from work related to what you told the police has been happening? Your employer certainly can't dismiss you because of that. You have the protected characteristic of being a woman in DV circumstances.

Im So sorry, I was your position three years ago. I applied for a reduction of 25% sungle persons for council tax. Fortunately I could cover other bills by working overtime. You could also ask your mortgage provider for up to a six month break, if you explain your situation. I agree don’t tell the social worker you want your husband back. Your husbands abuse to yourself is also seen as abuse to your children. As your the only adult in the house now, reapply for benefits, you may be eligible on just your income. Stay strong for your children, you can do this. Lean on family and friends for support xxx

He should never be allowed near you again I hope he is sentenced as well.

the police have been brilliant looking after you so well done to them.

Sweetheart, @PotatoSalad12 the police never take this action for nothing. You really are in an awful relationship and need to get out of it, however possible. Please take all the help and support offered and keep moving forward to freedom and happiness away from this man.

he’s dangerous love. Your life IS at risk from him.

OP

Please, as someone going through similar, and very weirdly as a professional on a break who helps people through similar, do the following.

Do contact Victim Support Services - you should have bee referred but if not ask to be. Ask for an urgent referral to an IDVS
Apply for CMS
Apply for single person council tax discount and also apply for any additional discount if you can
Your council will have additional funds often called Local Welfare Assistance or Household Support Fund - get applications in for this
Water companies can offer 50% discounts so contact yours
Contact your energy supplier regarding the warm homes discount
Request for a referral to Adult Early Help and Social prescribing in your area - they both offer huge amounts of various types of support.
You can change your internet provider to a low income one as well.
Mostly keep in touch with the decent people in your life - use your support network
Do you have a food bank or food pantry near you? They are excellent and there to help in exactly situations like this.

i wish you well

Over and over again I have told the police this is not the outcome I wanted, I would never have contacted them for advice if this was to be the outcome. I have even put in writing that I retract everything I have ever said to them.

You should be charged for wasting police time if this is your attitude.

How rude of you to act like the police have done something wrong when this is all of your husbands fault.

If he didn’t do those actions then you wouldn’t be in this situation.

Why are you desperate to contact him when he is the one that has put you in this situation?
You should be so angry that you never want to talk to him again.

Get a sick note from the doctor for stress.
The spend the week applying for UC, ringing utilities and rent etc and asking to pay a reduced amount for the next couple of months.

Op, I had a similar situation once. When my dd were little, there was some violence in my relationship.

I got advice from women's aid or somewhere, sating I should 'log every incident' with the police. So that when I felt ready to leave, there was a documented record.

I told the police one incident and they made a note. Then another, and they came and arrested him a week or so later (non fatal strangulation).

He gave a No Comment interview after a night in the cell. I did not support a prosecution.

So CPS declined to charge him.

The fact that he has bail conditions not to contact you means he has been charge and has been in to court. Do you know if he is pleaded guilty or not guilty?

Going v much against the grain, the arrest really shook my.husband up. I am still with him, and there has barely been any violence since.

I hope you can get some.good advice .

Tbh, I would still like to leave my husband, but i do understand how.scary the world.can seem without them.

(Nc for this, as its all so un-mumsnet LTB)

This is not correct. He can be released from custody on bail pending charge (this happens in the majority of cases). If he has been bailed for 90 days this is pre charge bail

This is patently untrue. The bail conditions do not mean he has been charged or to court.

he has probably been released pending investigation

the bail conditions are completely standard under the circumstances

I have extensive experience of this

Just FYI do not try and contact him.

If you contact him and he replies then he will get extra charges and likely go to prison for all of the charges.

You contacted them for a reason. You told them what was happening and they don’t just turn up for no reason. Nor do they arrest for no reason

you may be wishing you had not contacted them, but his behaviour is such that you felt you needed their help

so let the process play through

So you would welcome this coercive, controlling man back into your and your children's lives for financial reasons? Those are serious charges op and won't be based on groundless accusations. I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in, but take all the help you can from your Social Worker and try to find a way forward on your own, rather than with this man. Good luck🥰

Can I just say thank you for this response? Some of the responses have been incredibly difficult to read and borderline accusatory of my situation.

I had hoped the police would have helped signpost me when I contacted them. I read an article about how the police had apprehended an individual doing similar things to what I was going through. At the end of the article it clearly said "if you would like advice or want to talk things through you can contact 101" (or words to that effect). So that's what I did, and this is what's happened. I didn't get advice and I didn't get to talk things through. I had to navigate them arresting my husband and making sure my children weren't going to be present at the time.

That being said, the social worker came out this afternoon and was very good. She understood my situation and had a detailed report from the police. She spoke about FearFree (my local DA charity) and my advisor i have access to there as well as the potential for my husband to potentially engage in perpetrators support should he wish to engage. I believe he would. Some might say I'm silly for believing that but this is a person who i deeply love and I'd like to think there are solid reasons they would offer perpetrator assistance. The SW also explained that he would have been bailed to a certain address and they would also be making contact with him so that has made me feel slightly more comforted that he isn't just homeless and living out of his work van somewhere.

The charges I mentioned earlier in the thread are what the police interpreted from the account I gave. They are not specific words that I have ever used.

If I get the opportunity, I'll be contacting our council and other companies tomorrow for support. We privately rent at a cost of £1850 a month so I'll need to work out what i can make work there alone before anything else comes into it.

No, he wasn't charged. Just released on bail with restrictions on no direct or indirect contact with me, not being allowed to come to our house, and was also provided with a bail map of an area that he cannot enter. All for 3 months as well as having his work and personal phones retained by the police for investigation.

Unfortunately, no one has access to the bail map. Social Workers are unable to obtain a copy and it was explained to me today that the police have been unable to retrieve the file so no one has a copy of the bail map anymore.

So he’s on bail?

He’s on a pre-charge bail then

Op ask police for a referral for an IDVA - an Independent (from police) Domestic Violence Advisor.
I think you have been so ground down and the behaviour to you is normalised as it has been going on for so long.
The police must have reasonable grounds for arrest and bail conditions.
There are other ways than beating a woman to grind her down and it is reasonable to address this seriously.
You must take this seriously and show that you will protect your children.
I really hope you are ok and are starting to value yourself and your children’s’ safety and happiness.
Does your employer have a domestic violence policy? If not, get signed off by the doctor.

Oh ok, its police bail.

That is not unusual i have known bail exclusion maps to be lost before (I work in crim justice)

Can I ask, would you be supportive if it came to charge? Without a witness (ie you) its highly unlikely to be found guilty.

I appreciate you dont feel ready for all this.

The IDVA sounds like a good idea.

I hope you get the support to ltb.

beggars belief that you say “barely any violence” since and you’d still like to leave him. Please try and get help xx